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Posts: 2941
   Old Thread  #1793 1 Jun 2013 at 7.27pm  0  Login    Register
After 1 pint I was an absolute mess. I threw up down my shirt, tried to finger this old lady, before ****ting myself and falling asleep in the corner.

The nurses said that isn't a normal reaction to giving blood.
Posts: 2941
   Old Thread  #1792 1 Jun 2013 at 7.26pm  0  Login    Register
"Hi there caller, you're through to Babestation. What's your name, sexy?"

"Michael. My name's Michael."

"Nice name. My stepdad's called Michael."

"Yeah, I kn... err, rub your tits a bit more for me, please."
Posts: 2391
   Old Thread  #1791 1 Jun 2013 at 12.40pm  0  Login    Register
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie" The first man asks "Can i make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesnt He?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC
Posts: 22735
   Old Thread  #1790 1 Jun 2013 at 9.13am  0  Login    Register
I rang the wife to tell her I was coming home, after a month of working away.

"I can't wait to see you again." She told me.

"And I've a nice surprise for you, too."

When I got there, I opened the living room door to find her lying on the couch, stark naked.

"Holy **** baby, you look amazing!!" I said, jaw hitting the floor.

"It looks like you've lost loads of weight and certainly aren't the same fat bitch you were a few weeks ago. This is a fabulous surprise."

"Oh **** off, Dave!" she snapped. "I've bought us a bigger sofa."
Posts: 3455
   Old Thread  #1789 31 May 2013 at 8.46pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1788
Posts: 22735
   Old Thread  #1788 31 May 2013 at 1.58pm  0  Login    Register
Try this puzzle.....its amazing!!! This maths sequence can predict your favourite film. Mine was Goodfellas.....Not sure how it knows but it IS my absolute fave does work!!!

Pick a number between 1 & 9

Multiply it by 3

Add 3 to that number

Multiply again by 3

Add the two digits together and see results below:

3. Oliver Twist

4. Star Wars

5. Goodfellas

6. Saving Private Ryan

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats and Leather-Clad, Oiled-Up Lady Boys.

10. Mary Poppins's spot on!!!!!
Posts: 2197
   Old Thread  #1787 30 May 2013 at 8.28pm  0  Login    Register
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
Posts: 22735
   Old Thread  #1786 30 May 2013 at 6.45pm  0  Login    Register
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 he owes me?"
Posts: 22735
   Old Thread  #1785 30 May 2013 at 6.42pm  0  Login    Register
My wife insists I take off my socks during sex...

All THREE of them.
Posts: 22735
   Old Thread  #1784 30 May 2013 at 6.41pm  0  Login    Register
I was talking to one of the girls on Babestation last night.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Gary," I said. "You've got great tits."

"Thanks, Babe," she replied.

"And that arse is to die for," I continued.

"Aw, you're a sweetie," she smiled.

"Now, lick your nipples," I growled.

"What did you say?" she asked.

"Lick your nipples," I repeated, sliding my pants down. "And play with your clit at the same time."

She looked to her left and said, "Dave... This new cameraman's a bit creepy."
Posts: 1629
   Old Thread  #1783 29 May 2013 at 6.19pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1782
Posts: 1409
   Old Thread  #1782 29 May 2013 at 5.40pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1781
at school teacher said right where is pakistan? jonny says out there playing football with paki dave
Posts: 10362
   Old Thread  #1781 29 May 2013 at 3.51pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1775
Posts: 3455
   Old Thread  #1780 29 May 2013 at 7.15am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1779
gud un!
Posts: 22735
   Old Thread  #1779 28 May 2013 at 10.48pm  0  Login    Register
After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Sheila replied, "That's me before the operation."
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