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WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1873 30 Jun 2013 at 8.48am  0  Login    Register
I just said hello to my neighbour who has Alzheimer's and Tourette's.

"Hello c*nt. Nice to see you" he said, "who are you? F**k off."
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2197
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #1872 29 Jun 2013 at 4.59pm  0  Login    Register
I've installed a two-way mirror in my daughter's bathroom, but I'm taking it back to the shop tomorrow.

All I can see is me looking stupid with my dick in my hand.
ralph69
Posts: 10362
ralph69
   Old Thread  #1871 27 Jun 2013 at 10.31pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1870
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1870 27 Jun 2013 at 8.26pm  0  Login    Register
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna **** around?"
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1869 27 Jun 2013 at 8.19pm  0  Login    Register
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
gwoods1210
Posts: 622
gwoods1210
   Old Thread  #1868 27 Jun 2013 at 2.47pm  0  Login    Register
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"

The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,

''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.


gwoods1210
Posts: 622
gwoods1210
   Old Thread  #1867 27 Jun 2013 at 2.43pm  0  Login    Register
Theater Seats for Seniors

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man,but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.



With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
"The balcony."
BEHAPPY
Posts: 44
BEHAPPY
   Old Thread  #1866 26 Jun 2013 at 5.15pm  0  Login    Register
A guy has a wife who is an extreme nimphomaniac, she will screw anything that can walk, the slightest touch sets her off, and the guy is really tired of it, he cannot take her anywhere, and it makes him mad, so he takes her to a doctor, and sees if there is anything he can do, he explains everything to him, and the doctor tells the man to wait, and him and the guy's wife go into another room, where the doctor starts to give her a check-up, and at his touch, the woman starts moaning, and starts stripping, moaning louder, and louder, and the doctor eventually cannot take it anymore, and hops on top of her, and starts screwing her, the husband, meanwhile, hears his wife moaning, and getting suspicious, he busts thru the door, and sees the doctor on top of his wife, "What the hell are you doing?", he yells, the doctor flusters, "I was, um, um, uh, um, just taking your wife's tempature!", the man, very angry, takes out his pocket knife and starts honing it on his sleeve very deliberately, "I don't know how you are taking her tempature with that, doc, but that thing damn well better have numbers on it when you pull it out!"
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1865 26 Jun 2013 at 4.08pm  0  Login    Register
My wife said, "I wish I had a pound for every time I had to tell you off."

I replied, "You do, in weight!
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1864 26 Jun 2013 at 4.01pm  0  Login    Register
William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off.

When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he'd been approached by a prostitute.

"I don't believe you," laughed Mildred.

"I'll prove it," said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us."

Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed. "You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's go have a drink and forget it. "

Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails.

Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1863 26 Jun 2013 at 7.20am  0  Login    Register
After the success of the documentary "The Man With The 10 Stone Testicles", Channel 4 have an announced a further documentary featuring a man with no testicles. "An Audience with Nick Clegg airs on August 19th. .
elltell
Posts: 1437
elltell
   Old Thread  #1862 24 Jun 2013 at 3.50pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1860


Stonking, made me chuckle
ilovefishingme
Posts: 1459
ilovefishingme
   Old Thread  #1861 24 Jun 2013 at 1.57pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1859
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1860 24 Jun 2013 at 7.50am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1859
A farmer gets a phone call from his son.I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive....shoot it says the farmer,and then bury it.....about 20 mins later he gets another call....done that,what should i do with the speed camera and motorbike?
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1859 24 Jun 2013 at 7.46am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1858
I've just joined a reggae band playing the triangle,all i have to do is stand around and ting.
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