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In reply to Post #2031
nelson mandella dies at 95
respect where its due.....
thats 5 mph faster than paul walker
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In reply to Post #2030
SHIFT work i presume 
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Bar staff wanted in Glasgow,must be able to work a rotor
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tom daley always looks slightly bent when he enters the water,
and when he gets out.
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In reply to Post #2027
 
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Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm and next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey b*****d put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
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In reply to Post #2025
God looking down from heaven
GOD........Allo Adam my son wots going down?
ADAM......Allo pops, just munchin an apple
GOD........Wheres Eve?
ADAM...... shes avin a dip in the river
GOD........ Oh no not again she knows it makes the fish smell 
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In reply to Post #2024
My wife said what would you say if you caught me in bed with your best friend?
I'd call you a lesbian i replied
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I was in a pub in Glasgow last night and it was utter chaos,smoke everywhere,people screaming,fighting,spilled beer and men trampling over each other in a blind panic to be free.
Then,to make matters worst,a f**king helicopter crashed through the roof.
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My missus says if she finds me w**king over a porn site again, she will bang my head against the f**king keyboarfrgvcdsedsedsxcbnnhygtfrfbghyuujkkikjnhgg!
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In reply to Post #2021
Just been watching some ladies golf on TV. They're useless at driving, but amazing with an iron.
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I looked out my window last night and saw a group of people gathering around a Asian who'd fallen off his moped.I frantically rushed over."out of the way!" I shouted.As I pushed through the crowd a woman asked "are you a doctor?" "No" I replied......" That's my ******* pizza!!"
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Local now doing a 'Star Wars Stir Fry' ...
Freshly cooked in their E-wok
(Sorry)
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I was in the pub the other night telling a group of girls I could arse read.I explained it was a bit like palm reading,but I needed to stick my finger up their ******** to do it.Within 5 mins I was with a blonde in the toilet cubicle,knuckle deep. "Right,let's see"I said,having a poke,"for a start,I can tell you're very ******* gullible".
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My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back.Half way through he said to the bloke,don't forget to put the tomahawk in his hand.The bloke said give us a ******* chance mate I've only just finished his turban.
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NON Carp stuff