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In reply to Post #2071
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my missus was sorting out some clothes the other day and said to me
" i've had this about six years now and it still fit's, so i can't have put any weight on"
i said "it's a ****ing scarf you fat cow"
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In reply to Post #2065
 
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In reply to Post #2068
The best one I came across was,
why did the mechanic sleep under his car?
he wanted to get up oily
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Where's the crap cracker jokes from the last couple of days..
Mine is
What does a vampire pour on his Xmas dinner?
Grave ie..
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Irish logic: job application
Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says. "Oh, dat dere is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"You no see it, like? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere ya go"
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I've no brain?"
The boss is getting angry and is worried he's going to have to hire this Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go, One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along, see, and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when do I start, boss?
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In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.
One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".
With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".
With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.
"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".
By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THEM". 
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Pub quiz in Glasgow.. "And the final question to win the £200 is;
Take Thats first album consisted of four words, the first two words were "Take That" so what was the second two words. . .?
There was a long pause then a wee Glasgow man pipes up...
Was it "Ya C#nt"...?!
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I came back from town to find my grandah sitting in the garden bollock naked from the waist down ........ so I asked him .... grandah what the f#ck you doing... get back into the house .....
he replied ..... well son I was sitting out here yesterday with nae shirt on and I got a stiff neck ......
so today .... this is yer grannys idea .
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Today at the gym ... i found a hole in my trainer ...
big enough to put my finger in ..
she has made a formal complaint .... and im now banned fae the gym .. 
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the misses said tae me ...
How do you never pull a cracker at Christmas ?
...
dunno I replied .. must be the ***** aftershave yae buy me every year
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I went tae the local club last night ....
they played the twist ... I done the twist ...
they played ' jump around .. I jumped around
they played ' come on eileen .......
ehhh I got kicked oot and barred for that one
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I went tae the hospital wae a toilet brush stuck up my arse ...
what happened here sir .. asked the doctor ...
well pal .. i met a wee burd at the club last night and a took hur hame ...
ahh said the doctor .. she liked kinky things ???
naw pal i said ... ma f#ckin wife was hame
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In reply to Post #2058
Got my first Xmas card today from the Tourette's society.
Wasn't anything special,but it's the thought that ****s
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In reply to Post #2057
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NON Carp stuff