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PPPIKER
Posts: 540
PPPIKER
   Old Thread  #2152 12 Aug 2014 at 3.07pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2151
The Queen was visiting Scotland and Alex Salmond called by.
>
> HM: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
>
> AS: Nice to see you Maíam. Now, what are we going to call Scotland
> when we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then Iíll
> be a King?
>
> HM: No, we donít like that.
>
> AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then Iíll be a
> Prince?
>
> HM: .... (thinks).... No Mr Salmond, I think we should call it a
> Country.
>
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2151 12 Aug 2014 at 2.52pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2150
PPPIKER
Posts: 540
PPPIKER
   Old Thread  #2150 12 Aug 2014 at 2.15pm    Login    Register
Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2149 8 Aug 2014 at 9.21pm    Login    Register
HUSBAND_____ I was talking to the window cleaner this morning, he's made love to every woman in this street except 1

WIFE_________Yeah I bet it's that bitch at number 24
ralph69
Posts: 10352
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2148 29 Jul 2014 at 10.55pm    Login    Register
a farmer puts an advert in the shop window...... job vacancy ,mole catcher wanted.
the village idiot applies , and gets the job.
the farmer tells him , its on the condition that he gives them a slow and painfull death.
he sees the idiot a couple of days later and he says , all sorted , can i have my pay please .
farmer asks , what have you done with them,
idiot says , i buried them alive
stymie
Posts: 802
stymie
   Old Thread  #2147 28 Jul 2014 at 10.05pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2146
Nicking that one
elltell
Posts: 1387
elltell
   Old Thread  #2146 28 Jul 2014 at 4.55pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1


Mr. James Smith,
206 Andover Road,
Salisbury,
Wiltshire.

Dear Mr. Smith,

Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.

I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are
looking for in the show's contestants.

However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.

In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.

Yours,

Charles Knight,
Light Entertainment,
BBC Television Centre,
London.

Tel
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2192
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #2145 19 Jul 2014 at 10.55pm    Login    Register
The police are looking for witnesses to a nearby hit and run last Friday night.

I didn't see anything when I went past but it wouldn't surprise me if it was the same c**t who threw a tricycle under my car.
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #2144 10 Jul 2014 at 11.35pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2143
ralph69
Posts: 10352
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2143 10 Jul 2014 at 11.26pm    Login    Register
a pissed up geordie gets in his car one night and realises that its been broken into.
he rings the old bill and tells them , they've nicked the steering wheel , the dashboard ,
the brake , the clutch, then pauses and says , oh **** , sorry mate , im in the back
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #2142 10 Jul 2014 at 8.10am    Login    Register
Ann Summers has announced it's going to start selling a lager-flavoured gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their fannies, in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex. Campaigners have condemned the move, because of fears that it will lead to 24-hour ***** drinking.
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2192
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #2141 9 Jul 2014 at 8.15pm    Login    Register
I feel sorry for Julio Cesar tonight.

Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots, he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #2140 9 Jul 2014 at 5.39pm    Login    Register
That semi last night was even more embarrassing than the 1 I got the time I went to watch broke back mountain with Rolf Harris
elltell
Posts: 1387
elltell
   Old Thread  #2139 9 Jul 2014 at 4.56pm    Login    Register
The Meteorological Office announced that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather. Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population , it will now be referred to a " Muslim Weather"

( Partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite ? )
suffolkcarper88
Posts: 96
suffolkcarper88
   Old Thread  #2138 8 Jul 2014 at 8.09pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2137
theres an englishman a Scot and a paddy training for war in the desert the drill sergeant comes up to the englishman and asks if you were stranded in the desert and you had the choice of one item what would you you choose water says the englishman so i can stay hydrated very good says the sergeant he goes to the scot and asks the same question the scot replies a wide brimmed hat to keep the sun off me very good sergeant moves on to the paddy and asks the same question a car door replies the irish man what the **** do you want with a car door in the desert said the sergeant the paddy replies if it gets to hot i can always wind the window down
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