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In reply to Post #2151
The Queen was visiting Scotland and Alex Salmond called by.
>
> HM: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
>
> AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland
> when we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll
> be a King?
>
> HM: No, we don’t like that.
>
> AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a
> Prince?
>
> HM: .... (thinks).... No Mr Salmond, I think we should call it a
> Country.
>
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Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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HUSBAND_____ I was talking to the window cleaner this morning, he's made love to every woman in this street except 1
WIFE_________Yeah I bet it's that bitch at number 24 
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a farmer puts an advert in the shop window...... job vacancy ,mole catcher wanted.
the village idiot applies , and gets the job.
the farmer tells him , its on the condition that he gives them a slow and painfull death.
he sees the idiot a couple of days later and he says , all sorted , can i have my pay please .
farmer asks , what have you done with them,
idiot says , i buried them alive
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In reply to Post #2146
 Nicking that one 
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In reply to Post #1
Mr. James Smith,
206 Andover Road,
Salisbury,
Wiltshire.
Dear Mr. Smith,
Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.
I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are
looking for in the show's contestants.
However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.
In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.
Yours,
Charles Knight,
Light Entertainment,
BBC Television Centre,
London.
Tel
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The police are looking for witnesses to a nearby hit and run last Friday night.
I didn't see anything when I went past but it wouldn't surprise me if it was the same c**t who threw a tricycle under my car.
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In reply to Post #2143
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a pissed up geordie gets in his car one night and realises that its been broken into.
he rings the old bill and tells them , they've nicked the steering wheel , the dashboard ,
the brake , the clutch, then pauses and says , oh **** , sorry mate , im in the back
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Ann Summers has announced it's going to start selling a lager-flavoured gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their fannies, in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex. Campaigners have condemned the move, because of fears that it will lead to 24-hour ***** drinking.
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I feel sorry for Julio Cesar tonight.
Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots, he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.
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That semi last night was even more embarrassing than the 1 I got the time I went to watch broke back mountain with Rolf Harris
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The Meteorological Office announced that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather. Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population , it will now be referred to a " Muslim Weather"
( Partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite ? )  
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In reply to Post #2137
theres an englishman a Scot and a paddy training for war in the desert the drill sergeant comes up to the englishman and asks if you were stranded in the desert and you had the choice of one item what would you you choose water says the englishman so i can stay hydrated very good says the sergeant he goes to the scot and asks the same question the scot replies a wide brimmed hat to keep the sun off me very good sergeant moves on to the paddy and asks the same question a car door replies the irish man what the **** do you want with a car door in the desert said the sergeant the paddy replies if it gets to hot i can always wind the window down
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NON Carp stuff