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ralph69
Posts: 10361
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2194 27 Nov 2014 at 10.29pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2192
Bet it made her toes curl
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2193 27 Nov 2014 at 10.10pm  0  Login    Register
TEACHER: Billie , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's..

Did you copy his?

BILLIE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2192 17 Nov 2014 at 7.39pm  0  Login    Register
an old guy was walking through Soho one evening and as he went past a dark doorway there was a tasty young woman standing in the shadows, she smiled and nodded politely and said allo luv, looking for action? he thought.....play my cards right I'm in wiv a chance, yeah he said ow much? £25 darling, he said wiv a grin I've only got a fiver, nah no good darling, oh go on he said, bugger off I'm not a charity, oh please i ain't ad any fer years, OK then be quick, upstairs 15 minutes later he said if i had known you were this tight i would have given you the £25, she said if i knew you had £25 i would have taken my tights off.
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2191 13 Nov 2014 at 6.42pm  0  Login    Register
Went to a fancy dress party last night, there was a shapely brunette woman with no clothes just a pair of black shoes and a pair of black gloves, my inquisitive nature got the better of me after about 20 minutes, I said what did you come as?
"The 5 of spades" what else.

There was also a girl dressed in red, she came as a fire,didn't get poked so she went out.
PPPIKER
Posts: 540
PPPIKER
   Old Thread  #2190 13 Nov 2014 at 11.48am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2189
A suicide bomber blew himself up and went to his heaven, just as his mad mentor had promised.
When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim the virgins, he was promised.
Out of curiosity he asked Allah “Why are there so many virgins in heaven?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied: "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.
So you're here to service them.
Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And be warned, I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded: "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity ? ”
And Allah replied:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Who said they were women ?”
ralph69
Posts: 10361
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2189 8 Nov 2014 at 1.24pm  0  Login    Register
My old man taught me about the birds and the bees, I now realise that he lied because
I went out with a ****ing woodpecker till I was 21
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2188 7 Nov 2014 at 5.49pm  0  Login    Register



A play boy walks into a bar and sits next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"



No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The guy says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am!”

The play boy smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”

And that, my son…......is Confidence!
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2187 3 Nov 2014 at 11.07pm  0  Login    Register


A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."


He never heard the gunshot..........
ralph69
Posts: 10361
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2186 2 Nov 2014 at 10.15pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2185
some goodies there jim
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2185 1 Nov 2014 at 3.47pm  0  Login    Register
A guy is running down the road as fast as he could, passing everything ,
another guy shouts, whats up? there's a lion escaped from the zoo,
which way did it go?
you don't think I'm ******* chasing it do ya
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2184 29 Oct 2014 at 6.51pm  0  Login    Register
The brothel door bell rang, the madam goes to answer it, she opens the door but there's no one to be seen just as she was closing the door she heard "hello can I come in" she looks down and there was a guy with no arms or legs, she said no you can't come in, what good would you be to a woman? he said "I rang the bell didn't I"
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2183 27 Oct 2014 at 8.23pm  0  Login    Register
Jane Goldberg phones the Jewish Chronicle.

Jane.....Hello is that the editor?

Ed........Yes my dear how can i help you?

Jane.....My husband Morris died the other day and I just want to
put a couple of words in the Births and deaths column.

Ed.........OK, what do you want to put in the paper?

Jane......."Goodbye Morris"

Ed............I'm sorry my dear it's got to be a full line.

Jane.......No no that's all I want to say.

Ed..........It's got to be a full line of 6 words otherwise it upsets the system.

Jane gave it a lot of thought then said OK I got it, "Morris is dead Volvo for sale"
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2182 27 Oct 2014 at 7.10pm  0  Login    Register
3 nuns walking through the desert, running out of supplies and
no water, getting very desperate, sister Molly said if we can pee
into a bowl of flower and leave it in the sun to bake it will make
a loaf of bread and keep us going a bit longer, I'll try first, she strained
and strained but nothing was there, Sister Bridget, "you try",
so she pushed and strained she gave it one final shove, farted blew
all the flower out of the bowl and sister Cathleen pissed herself laughing .
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2181 23 Oct 2014 at 7.05pm  0  Login    Register
A lady came up to me in the high st

LADY..... do you want to buy a ticket for the policeman's ball?
ME.........no, sorry love i can't dance
LADY.......that's ok It's a raffle.
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2180 23 Oct 2014 at 6.59pm  0  Login    Register
Moisha and David were driving along in Davids car, when suddenly Moisha screams out "stop the car i need a dump" David said I can't stop here it's a built up area, look said Moisha there's some bushes in front of that house, I'll go behind them, so David stopped and waited for about 10 minutes, then there was a cry from behind the bush, David have you got any paper? paper shmaper don't be so ******* tight leave it there.
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