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Posts: 10352
   Old Thread  #2233 6 Mar 2015 at 8.52pm    Login    Register
A doctor goes into a ward to see a pregnant lady who's had bad stomach cramps and fears for her
Unborn child, well dear he says , there's good and bad news, we've run some tests and the bad news is
It's got ginger hair . Oh no , she cries , what's the good news , doc replies , it's dead
Posts: 3616
   Old Thread  #2232 6 Mar 2015 at 8.22pm    Login    Register
Two little kids in prams outside Tesco

1st Hello

2nd Hello (blushing slightly )

1st I've been watching you

2nd have you

1st yeah, your a girl ain't yer

2nd yes I am

1st I thought so, your lovely and I wish I was in your pram
with you in fact I wish I was in your nappy with you

2nd you do........why is that

1st I've filled mine
Posts: 10352
   Old Thread  #2231 4 Mar 2015 at 9.48pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2230
Posts: 3616
   Old Thread  #2230 4 Mar 2015 at 9.22pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2229
Don't worry about that, beauty is only a light switch away
Posts: 10352
   Old Thread  #2229 3 Mar 2015 at 6.08pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2228
Had to ring the old bill in the pub last night as I had two birds fighting over me ,
The copper said to me , what's wrong with that,
I said , the fat ugly ones winning
Posts: 10352
   Old Thread  #2228 27 Feb 2015 at 7.55pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2223
Posts: 3616
   Old Thread  #2227 25 Feb 2015 at 7.22pm    Login    Register
The ol gell at number4 lost her husband a couple of weeks ago, missing him and feeling suicidal she decides to end her life by using his old service revolver, not wanting to suffer she phones the doctor to find out exactly where her heart is, just below your left breast the doc said, later that day she was admitted to hospital with serious gun shot wounds to her left knee
Posts: 1387
   Old Thread  #2226 22 Feb 2015 at 6.57am    Login    Register

An Ode to Fifty Shades of Grey'

The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
...T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
...At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said...
I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.

Posts: 1387
   Old Thread  #2225 22 Feb 2015 at 6.53am    Login    Register
Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every
day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and
discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think
much about it and figured maybe he had a cold
or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Fred really got worried. However, since the only
time they ever got together was at the park, Fred
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to
find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen
the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the
park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Fred was very excited and happy to see him and
told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the
world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little
blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I
sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich
and she filed rape charges against me; and, at
89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into
court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Posts: 1387
   Old Thread  #2224 22 Feb 2015 at 6.52am    Login    Register
A girl goes out with a bloke for the first time. He asks her what she wants to do. "I want to get weighed" she says. He takes her to a weighing machine and gets her to weigh herself.

This happens a few times before the bloke gets fed up and takes her home. Her father greets her and asks if she had a good time.
"Wousy" she says.!!!!!!

Posts: 3616
   Old Thread  #2223 19 Feb 2015 at 6.14pm    Login    Register
I had just bought a big bag of dry dog food when the lady behind me in the queue asked if I had a dog, no I said its for my diet, it worked well before so I’m gonna do it again, how doe’s it work? Fill your pockets with the nuggets and when you feel hungry take one out and eat it, you have to be careful though, last time I did it I nearly died, I woke up in hospital 12lb lighter with tubes coming out from everywhere, MY GOD she said did the nuggets poison you? No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish setters arse and a car hit me.
Posts: 4816
   Old Thread  #2222 18 Feb 2015 at 10.04pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2220
Pmsl , that's a cracker !!!!!
Posts: 3616
   Old Thread  #2221 17 Feb 2015 at 10.23pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2220
Posts: 1150
   Old Thread  #2220 17 Feb 2015 at 11.01am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2219
A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"

"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
Posts: 3616
   Old Thread  #2219 16 Feb 2015 at 8.43pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2218
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