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PPPIKER
Posts: 540
PPPIKER
   Old Thread  #2313 15 Jul 2015 at 3.28pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2312
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine !

Tis me, ..........................
I've quit Drinking !"
carpstar40
Posts: 3539
carpstar40
   Old Thread  #2312 13 Jul 2015 at 12.51pm    Login    Register
During the American/Japanese war in some far off remote island the American troops are trying to take control of the island moving ever closer to doing so, progressing slowly every day.

After weeks of fighting they reach a point by where the only thing standing in their way is a river crossing to which the Japs are based in the last little stronghold, at the end of a few hours skirmish about the middle of the day the American Commander turns to his troops and says tomorrow this God forsaken island will be ours, he turns and says to the troops rest easy tonight because tomorrow we cross the river and clear them out but for tonight we will retreat 500 yards set up camp and post a lookout to keep an eye on them sneaky Japanese.

Looking from across the river the Japanese Commander can see that by the morning they will be under siege by the Americans and so turns to his troops and says tonight we will retreat 500yards to the shoreline set up camp and party like it's our last night ever but we will post a lookout to keep an eye on them sneaky Yanks.

An hour or so passes and the American lookout keeping an eye on the Japanese lookout is starting to get bored so he picks up his binoculars gives a little whistle and sees the Little Japanese soldier stick his head out of the undergrowth, he then thinks to himself now I've got his attention what can I do so he thinks to himself I wonder what regiment he's in so he puts down his bino's holds his arms out by his sides and mimics an aeroplane, to which there is no response or movement thinking to himself again perhaps he's Naval so a little whistle to gain his attention and he starts to mimic swimming the front crawl, again no response so one more whistle go's out to get his attention again and the American private thinks he must be a standard private like me so he starts to mimic thrusting his hips and drinking a beer again no movement so he picks his bino's back up to look at him, with that the little Jap is up on his feet and takes off like a scalded cat.

As the out of breath Japanese private reaches the beach his Commander stops him and says what the hell are you doing here I posted you to keep an eye on those Yanks, the young private says to his Commander you can go and keep a lookout if you like I'm not staying there, whats the matter asked the Commander to which the young Japanese private responded it's 2.30 now and at quarter to three he was going to swim across and **** me then suck me until my eyes popped out.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2311 5 Jul 2015 at 5.19pm    Login    Register
Bill get's a phone call from the Doctor, Doc say's I've got good news and bad news, Bill say's whats the good news? You've got 24 hours to live, jeeeeeez What's the bad news? I tried to call you yesterday.
Nick
Posts: 7107
Nick
   Old Thread  #2310 1 Jul 2015 at 9.43pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Sweating like a Greek MP on the phone to Wonga.....
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2309 28 Jun 2015 at 1.18pm    Login    Register
My old uncle suffered from water on the knee in his younger years, the doc suggested getting a pair of drain pipe trousers as he was a teddy boy
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2308 28 Jun 2015 at 12.59pm    Login    Register
The young girl next door bought some new knickers made by Tupperware, she say's they're not that comfortable but they do keep everything fresh.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2307 19 Jun 2015 at 8.32pm    Login    Register
My mate Mark phoned me up last night, I said wot you phoning me for at 4 o'clock in the morning? he said I can't sleep there was somebody outside my window calling me, who was it? nobody was there except a dog with a hair-lip barking.
Dicky
Posts: 2346
Dicky
   Old Thread  #2306 19 Jun 2015 at 6.58pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2304
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2305 18 Jun 2015 at 1.30pm    Login    Register
Marvelman: Hello Superman what have you been up to today?

Superman: Oh just flying around putting the world to right.

Marvelman: that must get boring after a while.

Superman: yeah it doe's but I spotted Wonderwoman sun bathing in the nude so I flew down at the speed of light and
give her one.

Marvelman: Blimey I bet that surprised her.

Superman: yeah but not as much as the surprise the Invisible man got who was giving her one at the time.

luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2304 11 Jun 2015 at 8.30pm    Login    Register




A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?"
"Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork? "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
A while later, the rabbi said "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
"Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for a while.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2303 10 Jun 2015 at 10.51am    Login    Register
BREAKING NEWS
It has been reported that at the junction of the M25 and A1M a massive hole has appeared in the road and the police are looking into it.

An elephant was seen on the M1 doing a ton, the AA suggest drive carefully and treat it as a roundabout.
ralph69
Posts: 10352
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2302 6 Jun 2015 at 1.53pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2301
My mate thinks he's smart , he told me that an onion is the only food that makes you cry
So I threw a coconut at his face
ralph69
Posts: 10352
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2301 30 May 2015 at 11.15pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2300



A man walks into the doctors and says , " every time I masturbate I shout , come on arsenal"
The doctor replies " most w@nkers do "
stymie
Posts: 802
stymie
   Old Thread  #2300 30 May 2015 at 9.08pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2299
A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.

"Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"

"Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."
ralph69
Posts: 10352
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2299 28 May 2015 at 3.37pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2298
Blimey , that Kym marsh don't hang around .
After her latest love split , she's only gone and married Steve Macdonald
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