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mal
Posts: 8919
mal
   Old Thread  #2715 15 Mar 2022 at 6.06pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2714


I know some people are very worried about the rising cost of petrol, but it doesn't bother me too much as I always just put £30 in ...
Clobersauraus
Posts: 713
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2714 14 Mar 2022 at 9.07pm  0  Login    Register
Ive just seen on Sky Sports that Everton cannot sell any tickets whatsoever this season….




They havent been sanctioned, they just cant sell any tickets
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2713 13 Mar 2022 at 3.19pm  0  Login    Register
Today I thought I'd go for a game of golf at my local golf club, and a woman playing golf hits me near by
She rushes over to me and I am rolling on the the ground, screaming!! In pain with my hands between my legs.
She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve my pain. Since she is a doctor, I agreed, She gently moves my hands to my side, and unzips my zipper and puts her hands inside, She massages me tenderly for a few minutes and asks: "How does it feel?"
I replied: "It feels great! but I still think my thumb is broken".
Golden-Paws
Posts: 234
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2712 28 Feb 2022 at 12.35pm  0  Login    Register
Janet Street Porter goes into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif". The barman says, "I'd seriously doubt it luv!".
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2711 21 Feb 2022 at 5.22pm  0  Login    Register
Boy
Mum, is it bad to have a penis?

Mum
No it isn't, why do you ask.

Boy
Dad's upstairs trying to pull his off.
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2710 20 Feb 2022 at 11.55pm  0  Login    Register
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss

The Responce:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured

and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective

clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area

before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina
Golden-Paws
Posts: 234
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2709 20 Feb 2022 at 6.09pm  0  Login    Register
After the recent murders of Tony the Tiger, the Honey Monster and the Coco Pop Chimp, police believe that they are looking for a cereal killer!
Golden-Paws
Posts: 234
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2708 19 Feb 2022 at 8.30am  0  Login    Register
I went fishing with Gazza. He gave me a chocolate bar and I ate it. "Oh Gazza", I said, "this taste of coconut". "Oh aye, it's bounty", he replied.
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2707 12 Feb 2022 at 1.57pm  0  Login    Register
A young guy starts work in a super store, manager says I'll serve a couple of customers so you get the idea on what to do, he asks a lady "can I help you" she wants a hose pipe, we have 10, 20, or a 30ft, she takes the 30, he says can I interest you in a lawn mower, "why" she asks, your going to water the lawn why not cut it, ok she buys a lawn mower.
He asks a guy the same question, he wants fertiliser, we have 5, 10, or 20KG bags, he buys the 10, when asked about the lawn mower he agrees with the reason and buys one.
Its now the youngsters turn, he asks a woman can I help you, she wants some tampons, he says we have 5, 10 or a 15 pack which one would you like, she takes the 15 pack, the youngster then asks would you like a lawn mower, she says why the hell would I want a lawn mower, he replies well, your weekend is f***** you may as well cut the grass.
Golden-Paws
Posts: 234
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2706 12 Feb 2022 at 8.09am  0  Login    Register
Some Johovah Witnesses knocked on Paddy's door. He said he didn't know there was an accident!

Did you hear about the Jewish Detective who had a tip-off?

I once took my car to a Jewish garage to have it Simonized. When I picked it up a few hours later I found out they had chopped 3 inches off the exhaust pipe!

A dyslexic bloke was wondered around the piste not knowing what to do. He went up to a bloke and said, "I'm confused, am I supposed to zig-zag or is it zag-zig?" "Don't ask me", replied the bloke, "I'm a tobogganist". "Oh, I'll have 20 Benson and Hedges please", he replied.
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2705 5 Feb 2022 at 5.50pm  0  Login    Register
A woman go's into a bar, throws her arm in the air showing very hairy armpits and shouts "who will buy a lady a drink", you could hear a pin drop, the drunk at the other end of the bar shouts "give the ballerina a drink", a while later she does the same again, throws her arm in the air and shouts "who will buy a lady a drink", the drunk calls the barman and says give the ballerina a drink, barman whispers to the drunk its your money and your choice but why do you call her a ballerina? drunk replies any woman that throw her legs that high must be a ballerina.
oldgeezer
Posts: 26962
oldgeezer
aka Mr Linky Poo
   Old Thread  #2704 4 Feb 2022 at 8.31pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2703
3 bloke talking one said the fastest thing must be electricity because you switch the light switch and the light comes on straight away
2nd one says no its got to be sound thats the fastest you open your mouth say something and the sound is instant

the 3rd man say nope your both wrong its got to be Diarrhea thats the fastest
the other 2 laughed and said how do you explain that ?

well last night I woke up in the night with Diarrhea and before I could turn the light on or shout I had **** myself
oldgeezer
Posts: 26962
oldgeezer
aka Mr Linky Poo
   Old Thread  #2703 4 Feb 2022 at 8.24pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2702
Keir Starmer
KenTownley
Posts: 30589
KenTownley
   Old Thread  #2702 3 Feb 2022 at 4.49pm  1  Login    Register
Boris Johnson...
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2701 2 Feb 2022 at 11.36pm  0  Login    Register
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out, then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no ******* bike!"...
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