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elltell
Posts: 1437
elltell
   Old Thread  #2354 12 Dec 2015 at 11.18am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2352
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters SNIPE into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today. The rest of us are posting and reading jokes on Carpforum😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2353 11 Dec 2015 at 9.27pm  0  Login    Register
I like my women how I like my advent calendar.

Against my wall, flaps open, ready to be eaten.

luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2352 11 Dec 2015 at 5.41pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2351

And we came 3rd for getting this one wrong > name 2
days of the week begining with the letter T
TODAY and TOMORROW was not right
ralph69
Posts: 10362
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2351 11 Dec 2015 at 0.47am  0  Login    Register
In the pub tonight and got involved in the quiz , the last question for us to win it was , name two things commonly found in cells .
Apparently It weren't scoucers and pikeys .
We came second
Leftythfc
Posts: 418
   Old Thread  #2350 1 Dec 2015 at 10.31pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2349
Absolute quality I've been reading some of your other jokes I'm actually crying your a legend COYS!!!
ralph69
Posts: 10362
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2349 1 Dec 2015 at 9.33pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2348
My missus told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with fools and horses.
I just sighed and said , okay , I'll get me suitcase from the van
elltell
Posts: 1437
elltell
   Old Thread  #2348 29 Nov 2015 at 5.33pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2347
This blonde is selling a snake in the local paper!

A bloke rings up and asks how big is it,

F----ng massive she says,

The bloke asks, how many feet?

None she replies, it's a F----ng snake
elltell
Posts: 1437
elltell
   Old Thread  #2347 29 Nov 2015 at 5.24pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1

A young woman walks into a supermarket. On her way round she sees the man with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a pub.

He is stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
"You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"

"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

Tel
lincs-carper
Posts: 867
   Old Thread  #2346 23 Nov 2015 at 8.36pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2345
A bloke takes his wife to the doctors as he's worried about her.. The doctor says well I'm not sure whether you wife's got aids or alzheimers. Only way to find out is to go for a drive, drop her off 10 miles from home and if she comes home don't f@#k her!!!!!
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2345 22 Nov 2015 at 5.58pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2344
ralph69
Posts: 10362
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2344 22 Nov 2015 at 5.04pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2343
A bloke threw a tub of margarine at me in sainsburys over a fortnight ago , splitting my eyebrow .
Can't believe it's not better
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2343 13 Nov 2015 at 5.42pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2342
Bert, in the old folks home said to Gladys "I'm leaving you and I'm gonna go with Doris cos she holds my one eyed trouser snake all night", Gladys said "so do I" yes said Bert but Doris has parkinson's .
ralph69
Posts: 10362
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2342 7 Nov 2015 at 2.47pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2341
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2341 7 Nov 2015 at 12.29pm  0  Login    Register
A blind carpenter go's into a timber yard for a job, the boss says your blind how can you do anything?
the chippie says "just by smell I can tell what a timber is and where it came from" Mmmm says the boss I'll test you, he lays a piece of wood on a bench and says lean forward and smell the wood, after moving his head a couple of times he says "its BC Pine from Canada", right says the boss, next, try this one, after a few sniffs he says " this is Oak from England", right, the boss cant believe this so he go's to the office and tells the girl to strip and lay on the bench face down, ok if you get this one I'll take you on, the chippie sniffs and sniffs then says turn it over I'm not sure about this one, the girl turns over and he sniffs again, "Yeah I got its a khazi door from a trawler boat in Grimsby".
stymie
Posts: 802
stymie
   Old Thread  #2340 6 Nov 2015 at 7.28pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2339
Got felt up by a blind woman last night. She said I had the thickest, longest shaft she'd ever felt.

She was pulling my leg
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