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luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2394 28 Jan 2016 at 2.38pm  0  Login    Register
Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit and killed her stone dead on the spot.

Jesus looked towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."
biggsyhaulin
Posts: 1662
biggsyhaulin
   Old Thread  #2393 27 Jan 2016 at 9.40pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2392
Guy had trouble getting erection,doc gave him prescription,wondered why girls in chemist were giggling,
When he got home he looked at box and it said,take one tablet each evening.......they were called
MICOXXAFLOPIN
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2392 25 Jan 2016 at 3.15pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2391
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2391 24 Jan 2016 at 5.58pm  0  Login    Register
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie, he tests it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon, the son says, "I did maths at school." The robot slaps the son, the son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies.", dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Star Wars," the robot slaps the son, Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn," dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was," the robot slaps the father, mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son," the robot slaps the mum.
Robot for sale.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2390 18 Jan 2016 at 9.58pm  0  Login    Register
A major British snack food company has decided to honour Tim Peake's recent history-making space walk, by renaming one of their most popular biscuits after him.

McVities 'Gingernauts' will be available at all leading food retailers in the near future.

ChrisKenefick
Posts: 365
ChrisKenefick
   Old Thread  #2389 16 Jan 2016 at 2.21pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2388
4m for Charlie Austin - Southampton are getting someone with experience - they'll not get lost next year driving to the other Championship grounds...
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2388 16 Jan 2016 at 12.53pm  0  Login    Register
My girlfriend used Vaseline on a handjob today.

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

ralph69
Posts: 10362
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2387 13 Jan 2016 at 6.56pm  0  Login    Register
Do you know what the first sign of Madness is ,
Suggs walking up you're drive
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2386 12 Jan 2016 at 3.47pm  0  Login    Register
I learned a lot from my ex wife before we split up.

I found out a group of sharks is called a Shiver, a group of flamingoes is called a Flamboyance, a group of goldfish is called a Troubling, a group of buffaloes is called an Obstinance and a threesome with Mike and Tony is called A couple of drinks with the girls after work.

ChrisKenefick
Posts: 365
ChrisKenefick
   Old Thread  #2385 12 Jan 2016 at 11.12am  0  Login    Register
Sean Connery walks into a cake shop in Sauchiehall Street and says to the woman serving, "Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"

The woman replies, "No your right, it's a macaroon"
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2384 10 Jan 2016 at 7.34pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2383
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2383 8 Jan 2016 at 7.33pm  0  Login    Register
I went down to the morgue to identify my wife's body when just before the Mortician lifted the sheet some gas escaped resulting in a farting sound.

"I'm sorry, " he said, "this happens sometimes. "

"No need to lift the sheet, " I replied, "I would recognise that smell anywhere. "

ralph69
Posts: 10362
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2382 5 Jan 2016 at 9.27pm  0  Login    Register
Why are some people so thick . Was out with my dog today this bloke came up to me and said what's that ?
So I told him , it's a dog
luckyjim
Posts: 3622
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2381 4 Jan 2016 at 5.53pm  0  Login    Register
A woman goes to the doctor and says I think I'm pregnant will you examine me so I know for sure, OK says doc get your kit off and jump on this (pointing to the couch) after a brief fondle in all departments the doc says no....it's wind, thank you says woman and goes home to tell her husband, a week goes bye and she visits the doc again.....I'm sure I'm pregnant will you check again for me........after another fondle in the canyon and everywhere else he says no as I said before its wind.....oh OK she says.....goes home and tells the old fella the news.....NO NO that's not right I'll come with you....doc confirms to them both "its wind".......the old geezer says your 100% sure.....yes says the doc.....with that the fella slaps his bobby dangler on the desk and says.....what do you think this is.........a bloody bicycle pump.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2380 3 Jan 2016 at 3.15pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2379
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