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catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #107 13 Apr 2012 at 6.59pm    Login    Register
My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday.
l was so f--king angry!
What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers??
carpy09
Posts: 13763
carpy09
   Old Thread  #106 12 Apr 2012 at 8.01pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #102
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #105 12 Apr 2012 at 7.05am    Login    Register
I've got this magical cow that can talk. I keep it outside most of the time, but sometimes you can hear it saying some hilarious things,Like 'Let me in, for God's sake, I'm your wife
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #104 12 Apr 2012 at 7.02am    Login    Register
I found my girlfriend dead in the bed the other day. She just lay there lifeless, so I deceided to s.ag her one last time. All of a sudden she jumped up and shouted BOO!!! Honestly some people are sick in the fcuking head
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #103 12 Apr 2012 at 6.59am    Login    Register
I looked on the roof of the supermarket today, to see a fat chick standing up there."What are you doing?" I shouted up to her."I'm sick of being teased about my weight!" She cried. "I'm killing my self.""Come on, there's kids round," I replied. "And they'll start singing fcuking Humpty Dumpty
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #102 12 Apr 2012 at 6.56am    Login    Register
This chap went to India for a cheap penis extension operation.The surgeon said, "I can fit you with a baby elephant's trunk for 3000 pounds.""Excellent," said the chap. "Go ahead."6 weeks later he's having dinner with his new girlfriend when his new cock shoots out of his trousers, steals an apple off the table and disappears back inside his trousers."That was amazing," said his girlfriend. "Can you do it again?""Sorry," he said, "I don't think my ar.e could manage another apple
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #101 11 Apr 2012 at 10.51pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #99
sik by name
carpy09
Posts: 13763
carpy09
   Old Thread  #100 9 Apr 2012 at 9.06pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #99
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #99 9 Apr 2012 at 12.12pm    Login    Register
I said, "Gran, I think this milk is off."She said,
Well, it's been along time since anyone sucked my nipples
CraftyCarper
Posts: 3587
CraftyCarper
   Old Thread  #98 7 Apr 2012 at 7.19am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #97
Went swimming the other day and while at the deep end I decided to have a cheeky Piss.
Unfortunatly the life guard spotted me and I tell you what.
He blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in
bytealarm
Posts: 23
bytealarm
   Old Thread  #97 5 Apr 2012 at 2.49pm    Login    Register
A guy walks into a bar and drinks ten pints of lager, then he says to the barman "Do you sell shorts?". Barman says "Of course we do." Good" he says, "Gimme a pair cause I just pissed myself!"

Guy walks into a bar and says "Can I have a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps?" Barman says "Sorry, we've only got plane."

Bloke sat at a table in the pub enjoying a nice pint of bitter. Woman walks over to him, puts her bum over his glass and farts into it, she casually walks away back to the bar. Bloke goes over to her and says "You fart in my Whitbread?" "No" she says, "I'm Tessa Sanderson".
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #96 4 Apr 2012 at 6.34pm    Login    Register
What is the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? The pickpocket spends his time snatching watches.
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #95 4 Apr 2012 at 6.29pm    Login    Register
Snow....Gods way of saying "stay in and save your petrol because its too ****ing expensive"
Anon
Posts: 3520
   Old Thread  #94 2 Apr 2012 at 1.27pm    Login    Register
Wikipedia has printed the following clarification :-

James Cameron is a man who directed a film about a captain steering his ship inexorably towards disaster
David Cameron is an English Prime Minister

Anon
Posts: 3520
   Old Thread  #93 2 Apr 2012 at 1.14pm    Login    Register
FOR SALE - 5 million shares in The British Jerry Can Co

Applications to Francis Maude, House of Commons, Westminster

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