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snowman01
Posts: 525
snowman01
   Old Thread  #2515 21 Nov 2016 at 8.40am  0  Login    Register
My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”

I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”
Dicky
Posts: 2346
Dicky
   Old Thread  #2514 18 Nov 2016 at 1.07pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2513
luckyjim
Posts: 3619
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2513 18 Nov 2016 at 10.56am  0  Login    Register
The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Thedeadsea
Posts: 7
   Old Thread  #2512 18 Nov 2016 at 9.08am  0  Login    Register
Another 'best joke of all time'

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

luckyjim
Posts: 3619
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2511 16 Nov 2016 at 8.41pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2507
snowman01
Posts: 525
snowman01
   Old Thread  #2510 16 Nov 2016 at 9.19am  0  Login    Register
What do two rednecks say after breaking up? Lets just be cousins !
snowman01
Posts: 525
snowman01
   Old Thread  #2509 16 Nov 2016 at 9.14am  0  Login    Register
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

Tinhead
Posts: 16313
Tinhead
   Old Thread  #2508 15 Nov 2016 at 11.48am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2507
oldgeezer
Posts: 26916
oldgeezer
aka Mr Linky Poo
   Old Thread  #2507 15 Nov 2016 at 11.36am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2506
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend carp fishing with his mate.
When he finally got home on Sunday night he was confronted by his very angry wife!
After two hours she stopped nagging and said, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied, 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
scozza
Posts: 17150
   Old Thread  #2506 9 Nov 2016 at 6.55pm  0  Login    Register
Farmer in a field rounding his sheep up with his dog. Man walks around the corner and says to the farmer, hey farmer, if I can tell you how many sheep you have got in that field in the next 3 seconds can I have one?

Farmer says, Ok then, try it, Man replies, 787.

The farmer astonished, how did you know that, man replies, I'm just good with numbers. Ok mate, fair play, get yourself up the field and get one

The man comes walking down with the hill, the farmer says, Oi, if I can tell you where you come from can I have my sheep back.

Bloke says, yeah, fair play, the farmer replies, Dublin, Southern Ireland. The man replies **** me, how did you know that?

Farmer replies, put the ****ing dog down...
Thedeadsea
Posts: 7
   Old Thread  #2505 9 Nov 2016 at 7.08am  0  Login    Register
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

RobertmBronson
Posts: 5
   Old Thread  #2504 8 Nov 2016 at 8.43am  0  Login    Register
Joke of the day

Why We Vote in November :D

Old man walks up and says, "For sixty years I've been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year."

"Why's that?"

"Better selection of turkeys!"
luckyjim
Posts: 3619
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2503 7 Nov 2016 at 6.56pm  0  Login    Register
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador", "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
luckyjim
Posts: 3619
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2502 7 Nov 2016 at 6.38pm  0  Login    Register
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's cabinet by the bed. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.Your boyfriend, then?', No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear, 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear That's me before the surgery.' ....
mal
Posts: 8913
mal
   Old Thread  #2501 4 Nov 2016 at 1.05pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2500


Nice one
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