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SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #511 30 Oct 2012 at 3.50pm  0  Login    Register
I shouted up the stairs to my 10 year old daughter,

"Grab the dirty washing off my bedroom floor, make sure you get it all this time, it's not hard!"

"The sock next to your side of the bed is." she replied.
Carter69
Posts: 925
Carter69
   Old Thread  #510 30 Oct 2012 at 1.32pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #509
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says,"This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"
Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."


andy_carper001
Posts: 584
andy_carper001
   Old Thread  #509 29 Oct 2012 at 9.19am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #508
I think I might have put my clocks back a bit too far. I've just seen on the news that Gary Glitter has been arrested for being a paedophile.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #508 28 Oct 2012 at 11.40am  0  Login    Register
My mate was in the pub going on about the amazing sex he had last night with his girlfriend.

''Oh,she was a real dirty bitch,wanted it every way"

I well and truely smashed her back doors in.

Unfortunately for him she overheard his boasting whilst making her way back to the table.

''Excuse me love,with a dick that small,it felt more like you were just picking the lock''.
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #507 27 Oct 2012 at 6.51pm  0  Login    Register
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky"...
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #506 27 Oct 2012 at 5.45pm  0  Login    Register
Woman finds her hubby in bed with a female midget! furious, she screams 'You promised you wouldn't cheat again!' Husband says 'Can't you see I've cut down
ralph69
Posts: 10360
ralph69
   Old Thread  #505 27 Oct 2012 at 11.51am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #501
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #504 27 Oct 2012 at 8.52am  0  Login    Register
Just bought the wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween. Nothing sexual. Just gives her a much better grip on her broomstick.
carpy09
Posts: 13807
carpy09
   Old Thread  #503 26 Oct 2012 at 11.53am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #501
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #502 26 Oct 2012 at 10.29am  0  Login    Register
Tony blackburn was invited to a pool party.When he turned up he had Jimmy Savile and Gary Glitter with him.The host said to Blackburn,"you deaf b-----d,i said bring a pair of speedos!!"
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #501 26 Oct 2012 at 10.24am  0  Login    Register
Today my wife said she had a head cold.I said "its probably caused by you being a fat b-----d.""how can being fat cause a cold?",she asked.I said,"coz your heads never out of the f---king fridge!!"
ralph69
Posts: 10360
ralph69
   Old Thread  #500 25 Oct 2012 at 9.33pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #499
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2196
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #499 25 Oct 2012 at 9.23pm  0  Login    Register
I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.
MrGrantski
Posts: 953
MrGrantski
   Old Thread  #498 24 Oct 2012 at 9.47pm  0  Login    Register
The iPad Mini

For when you haven't got enough space in your bag for an iPad but still want to show people that you're a c#%t.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #497 24 Oct 2012 at 7.21pm  0  Login    Register
"you spend far too much time on that computer"
Possibly a bit harsh,but as one of Stephen hawking's closest friends,i felt someone had to tell him.
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