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WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #631 1 Dec 2012 at 6.02pm  0  Login    Register
The BBC have cancelled Bob The Builder, apparently they don't trust anyone who can fix it now...
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #630 1 Dec 2012 at 5.18pm  0  Login    Register
Sad news Marti Pellow has Arthritis.

He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes.
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #629 1 Dec 2012 at 2.28pm  0  Login    Register
A husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor… Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.

Next day when he gets up, he expects her to be really angry with him… He prays that they would not have a fight.. to his surprise, he finds a note near the table that reads:

“Honey, your breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries. I love you.”

He asks his son about what happened last night, his son told:

When mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt.. you were dead drunk and you said… “Hey lady! Leave me alone… I’m married!”
buzzbomb
Posts: 57
buzzbomb
   Old Thread  #628 30 Nov 2012 at 11.37pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Stephen Hawking returned from his first date in 10 years with a black eye, bruises, scrapes, and a twisted ankle. Apparently she stood him up.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #627 30 Nov 2012 at 9.22pm  0  Login    Register
All these years thinking i had a birth mark on my ar$e,now it turns out to be a cigar burn,hows about that then!
JimD
Posts: 2646
   Old Thread  #626 29 Nov 2012 at 10.17am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #622
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2197
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #625 28 Nov 2012 at 6.17pm  0  Login    Register
Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.

She said, "If you help me find it I will let you **** my fanny all night."

I said, "What does it look like?"

She said, "It's a big, black, fluffy thing."

I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a miss."
carpy09
Posts: 13838
carpy09
   Old Thread  #624 28 Nov 2012 at 3.00pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #622
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2197
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #623 28 Nov 2012 at 1.56pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #622
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #622 28 Nov 2012 at 1.50pm  0  Login    Register
As I stripped off my dates clothes I said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but did you used to be a man?"

"Damn," she replied, "I've spent £20,000 on surgery, have great tits, a nice tight pussy and a body to die for. What gave me away?"

I said, "Your mum's sewed 'KEV' nametags in all of your clothes."
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #621 28 Nov 2012 at 9.22am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #617
ralph69
Posts: 10363
ralph69
   Old Thread  #620 27 Nov 2012 at 9.33pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #615
like it
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #619 27 Nov 2012 at 9.03pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #617
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #618 27 Nov 2012 at 8.43pm  0  Login    Register
Yoko Ono is going in the jungle to advise on bush tucker survival. The slitty eyed f@cker has managed to live off a dead beatle for the last 30 years
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2197
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #617 27 Nov 2012 at 8.35pm  0  Login    Register
My son asked me why oysters are Aphrodisiacs.

"Not sure son, maybe because they smell like fannies."

"Ugh, is that what mum's is like?"

"You tell me," I replied, "you were the last one near it."
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