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WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #710 13 Dec 2012 at 8.32pm    Login    Register
I remember my dad telling me, "Son. Only ever gamble what you don't mind losing."It was the last thing he said to me before handing me over to my new "dad".
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #709 13 Dec 2012 at 6.25pm    Login    Register
so tulisa"s new album has been labelled a flop..she must have tried to suck it off !!
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #708 13 Dec 2012 at 3.45pm    Login    Register
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the expectation was unbearable.
It seemed to take so long but eventually there she was, stood beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that fcukin trolley over here fatty, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2.
ralph69
Posts: 10358
ralph69
   Old Thread  #707 13 Dec 2012 at 3.44pm    Login    Register
my missus said , youre football mad you are , you love tottenham more than you love me.

i said , i ****ing love arsenal more than i love you.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #706 13 Dec 2012 at 3.39pm    Login    Register
The wife wanted sex so I lay on the bed, waiting.

Eventually she entered the bedroom,naked.

"Hi darling!" she said "I thought tonight we'd try something different."

"Different, how?" I asked.

"I'm thinking anal" she said

"Anal!? That's disgusting and.... unhygienic!" I cried.

"Don't worry, I've washed thoroughly. I think it will be a pleasurable experience."

"Pleasurable for you maybe. But then it's always all about you isn't it? It's always sucking your nipples then licking you to orgasm while you scream and moan."

"Well, tonight it will be anal, then nipples, then clitoris. Or we can get your mate, Dave, over again. He did anything I asked. He's an animal! And you like to watch, remember?"

"I thought I'd like to watch" I said "But turns out I don't. So, ok then"

"Good boy." she said as she lowered her backside to my face.

That'll teach me to drink and drive, I thought, as I readied my tongue. I fcuking hate being paralysed from the neck down.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #705 13 Dec 2012 at 7.07am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #702
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #704 12 Dec 2012 at 6.35pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #702
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #703 12 Dec 2012 at 6.33pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #702
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2198
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #702 12 Dec 2012 at 6.24pm    Login    Register
I used to be a cowboy
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #701 12 Dec 2012 at 5.35pm    Login    Register
Breaking News.Nurse Jacintha Sadanas has turned up safe and well .In a phone call to an Australian radio broadcaster she said "Beat that for a f--king wind up"
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #700 12 Dec 2012 at 5.30pm    Login    Register
Dear Deirdre,my boyfriends a right dick!He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex.I didn't believe him but after some persuasion he talked me into it and shagged me up the ar$e really hard. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.What should i do? A.Blonde essex
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #699 12 Dec 2012 at 1.36pm    Login    Register
I tried having sex with my mum whilst I was drunk last night.

She pushed me off and said, "What is wrong with you?"

"I'm really sorry," I replied, as I sat on the edge of the bed, "It must be the alcohol."

"Either that or you don't fancy me anymore." she said, slapping my flaccid penis.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #698 11 Dec 2012 at 6.42pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #697
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #697 11 Dec 2012 at 6.36pm    Login    Register
What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?....
Nurses can take a temperature.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #696 11 Dec 2012 at 6.34pm    Login    Register
RIP. SIR PATRICK MOORE
The man was a genius of an astronomer but even he couldn't figure out what them 3 f--king stars on man city's shirt mean.
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