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Last Christmas eve I was sitting opposite the wife on the sofa when I asked "What am I getting for Christmas?" She winked, hitched up her skirt to reveal her big bushy fanny and replied "This" I was gutted in the morning when I opened my box of pubes.
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I remember my dad telling me, "Son. Only ever gamble what you don't mind losing."It was the last thing he said to me before handing me over to my new "dad".
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 |  | |
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so tulisa"s new album has been labelled a flop..she must have tried to suck it off !!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the expectation was unbearable.
It seemed to take so long but eventually there she was, stood beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that fcukin trolley over here fatty, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2.
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my missus said , youre football mad you are , you love tottenham more than you love me.
i said , i ****ing love arsenal more than i love you.
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The wife wanted sex so I lay on the bed, waiting.
Eventually she entered the bedroom,naked.
"Hi darling!" she said "I thought tonight we'd try something different."
"Different, how?" I asked.
"I'm thinking anal" she said
"Anal!? That's disgusting and.... unhygienic!" I cried.
"Don't worry, I've washed thoroughly. I think it will be a pleasurable experience."
"Pleasurable for you maybe. But then it's always all about you isn't it? It's always sucking your nipples then licking you to orgasm while you scream and moan."
"Well, tonight it will be anal, then nipples, then clitoris. Or we can get your mate, Dave, over again. He did anything I asked. He's an animal! And you like to watch, remember?"
"I thought I'd like to watch" I said "But turns out I don't. So, ok then"
"Good boy." she said as she lowered her backside to my face.
That'll teach me to drink and drive, I thought, as I readied my tongue. I fcuking hate being paralysed from the neck down.
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In reply to Post #702
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In reply to Post #702
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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In reply to Post #702
 
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Breaking News.Nurse Jacintha Sadanas has turned up safe and well .In a phone call to an Australian radio broadcaster she said "Beat that for a f--king wind up"
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Dear Deirdre,my boyfriends a right dick!He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex.I didn't believe him but after some persuasion he talked me into it and shagged me up the ar$e really hard. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.What should i do? A.Blonde essex
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I tried having sex with my mum whilst I was drunk last night.
She pushed me off and said, "What is wrong with you?"
"I'm really sorry," I replied, as I sat on the edge of the bed, "It must be the alcohol."
"Either that or you don't fancy me anymore." she said, slapping my flaccid penis.
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In reply to Post #697
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What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?....
Nurses can take a temperature.
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NON Carp stuff