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ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2554 29 Aug 2017 at 9.05pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2552
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2553 29 Aug 2017 at 9.01pm    Login    Register
I was on my way home yesterday and seen my neighbour who is a dwarf standing at the bus stop.

So I stopped and shouted "jump in John, ill give you a lift home".

To which he told me to f#ck off.......

Ungrateful b@stard, so I zipped up my rucksack and carried on walking.
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2552 29 Aug 2017 at 8.58pm    Login    Register
I've just had the police knocking on my door saying " they have received complaints that my dog has been chasing the postman on his bike".

So I informed them its cannot be my dog cos he hasn't got a bike
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2551 29 Aug 2017 at 8.41pm    Login    Register
I've just spent my life's savings on a gender reassignment operation..............now I haven't got a sausage.......
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2550 29 Aug 2017 at 6.33pm    Login    Register
I was at the bar having a pint when a woman glanced at my jeans and said "your garage doors are open"

can you see the long big shiny Cadillac inside? I said

no she said but I can see a Mini with 2 flat tyres.



Oh god the old ones are still .................the old ones.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2549 22 Aug 2017 at 9.27pm    Login    Register
Paddy says to Mick I've got a box of cakes here........if you can guess how many there are you can have both of them
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2548 11 Aug 2017 at 3.03pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2543


i went to the zoo the other day

all they had was a little oriental sounding dog


it was a shih tzu

ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2547 23 Jul 2017 at 10.05pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2546
Went to an AA meeting last month , their advice was to stay away from alcoholics , so I never went back
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2546 23 Jul 2017 at 4.53pm    Login    Register
A Chinese baby boy was born prematurely and was named Sudden Lee.
Tinhead
Posts: 16257
Tinhead
   Old Thread  #2545 24 Jun 2017 at 8.27am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2543
Bread in captivity
I missed that one thanks to Jim for bringing it to my attention
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2544 23 Jun 2017 at 11.45pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2543
Brilliant clean fun.

Tel
oldgeezer
Posts: 26814
oldgeezer
aka Mr Linky Poo
   Old Thread  #2543 6 Jun 2017 at 12.39pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2542
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2542 12 May 2017 at 4.16pm    Login    Register
a guy asks the assistant "where can I find Irish sausages"

Assistant. ----- Are you Irish ?

Guy. ----- yes I am but if I had asked for Italian sausage would you have asked was I Italian

Assistant. ----- I doupt it

Guy. ----- And if I had asked for Kosher sausage would you have asked if I were Jewish

Assistant. ----- Proberly not

Guy. ----- So why did you ask if I was Irish

Assistant. ----- Your in Halfords.

elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2541 30 Mar 2017 at 3.38pm    Login    Register
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, and then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Tel
stymie
Posts: 802
stymie
   Old Thread  #2540 14 Mar 2017 at 8.06pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2539
What's the difference between a seductress and a flirt? A seductress uses her feminine guile and the allure of potential sexual gratification to get what she wants. A flirt is what Geordie milkmen ride round on
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