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Joke Thread
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sik

Posts: 2391

#792 29 Dec 2012 at 12.02pm

In reply to Post #791

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#791 29 Dec 2012 at 10.10am

3 women, one engaged, one a mistress, & one married. They decide to treat their men by wearing black stockings & suspenders, black leather basque, black knee high boots and a leather face mask. Later the engaged woman says, "My man jumped me and sex me all night!" The mistress adds, "Me too. We had wild, dirty sex till dawn!" The married woman says, "My husband came home, slapped my arse and said, 'What's for dinner Batman?'"

SlugHunter

Posts: 22735

#790 28 Dec 2012 at 5.59pm

In reply to Post #788

carpy09

Posts: 13803

#789 28 Dec 2012 at 5.36pm

In reply to Post #788

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#788 28 Dec 2012 at 5.25pm

a Sikh and a Pakistani were driving in opposite directions one night and as they passed each other their cars collided.To their amazement neither was hurt but both cars are destroyed.
in celebration of their luck they agreed to put their differences aside from that moment on.The Sikh goes to the boot of his car and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey.He hands it to the Pakistani and says"l know Muslims don't normally drink but who's gonna know".The Pakistani says "may the Sikhs and the Muslims live together forever in peace and harmony"and then gulps down half the bottle.
He goes to hand the bottle to the Sikh who replies,"no thanks, I'll just wait till the cops get here you paki c--t.

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#787 28 Dec 2012 at 5.03pm

My wife is a mute.She communicates by embroidery.

It's her own version of sign language,sew to speak.'

SlugHunter

Posts: 22735

#786 28 Dec 2012 at 11.39am

In reply to Post #780

carpy09

Posts: 13803

#785 26 Dec 2012 at 9.22am

In reply to Post #780
Quality

sik

Posts: 2391

#784 26 Dec 2012 at 8.50am

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off was doing here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

sik

Posts: 2391

#783 26 Dec 2012 at 8.49am

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, 'I have a 22 year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.'

I asked again, 'So why are you crying?'

He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight.'

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

He answered, 'I can't remember where I live

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#782 26 Dec 2012 at 8.46am

In reply to Post #780

gud un!!!!

sik

Posts: 2391

#781 26 Dec 2012 at 8.45am

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

sik

Posts: 2391

#780 26 Dec 2012 at 8.44am

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray- haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

sik

Posts: 2391

#779 26 Dec 2012 at 7.53am

In reply to Post #778

clever ian

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#778 26 Dec 2012 at 7.22am

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.


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