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When my mate and I walked into an 'anything goes' club in Amsterdam, we couldn't believe our eyes:
I said, "I'm so f**king horny, I feel like a dog with two dicks."
"Yeah, me too" he smiled.
"F**k off" I said, "It'll look weird if we ask for the same thing."
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Real men don't wear pink.
They eat it.
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I don't care if my wife spits or swallows.
As far as I'm concerned, she earned that cum and she can do whatever she wants with it.
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I've been using the same gag to get woman into bed for over five years now.
I should get a new one really,this one's got blood on it.
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I've just heard that the man who had the recent hand transplant has been caught shoplifting in Tesco,turns out the donor was a scouser
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I was on my way home and see me dwarf neighbour waiting at the bus stop so I stopped and said jump in.
He said he';d sooner walk.So i done me zip back up on my back pac and carried on walking.
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1 inch - are you taking the piss?
2 inch - I can't even hold it properly
3 inch - never been so unsatisfied in my life
4 inch - I've had bigger
5 inch - good, but not enough
6 inch - about right
8 inch - perfect
10 inch - it's hurting my insides
12 inch - I'm absolutely destroyed
How do you rate your pizza?
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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but only one can get into the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. The Queen promptly pulls out a douche bottle and starts cleaning her vagina.
St. Peter then asks Dolly why she thinks she is worthy of entering heaven. In response, Dolly flashes her boobs.
He then proceeds to open the gates, letting Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly. When Dolly asks St. Peter why the Queen was let through and not her, Peter replies, "A royal flush beats a wild pair."
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In reply to Post #824
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My mate just said, "What's your favorite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in tampax adverts."
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People tell me I don't understand anal sex.
It's not my fault, I just haven't found a woman with a vagina big enough for my arse to fit into yet
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In reply to Post #822
 
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'Phone rings, woman answers.
Pervert with heavy breathing says, 'I bet you have a tight arse, with no hair.'
Woman replies 'Yes, he's watching the football. Who shall I say is calling?'
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In reply to Post #818
And any Newcastle fans a bit peed off they are losing their idol, apparently the club have an offer on for only £3 you can have the letters "stard" added on to your existing shirt. 
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So a bloke has a hand transplant.. Surely they should have called it a handjob
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NON Carp stuff