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WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #872 13 Jan 2013 at 9.48am    Login    Register
A Leeds fan, an Chelsea fan and a Manchester united fan escape from prison. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. 

About an hour later two police officers came into the barn. The sergeant told the constable to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sergeant asked him what he saw and the constable yelled back, "Just 3 sacks."

The sergeant told him to find out what was in them, so the constable kicked the first sack, which had the Leeds fan in it. He went, "Woof", so the constable told the sergeant there was a dog in it. 

Then he kicked the sack with the Chelsea fan in it. He went, "Meow", so he told him there was a cat in it. 

Then he kicked the one with the manc fan in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked 6 more times, and finally the manc fan said, "Potatoes".
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #871 13 Jan 2013 at 9.42am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #869
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #870 13 Jan 2013 at 9.37am    Login    Register
Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #869 13 Jan 2013 at 9.31am    Login    Register
A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Liverpool scarf.

"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Manc fans in heaven."
"What?" Exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Mancs."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now F**K OFF!!"
stymie
Posts: 802
stymie
   Old Thread  #868 12 Jan 2013 at 11.40pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #867
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #867 12 Jan 2013 at 7.40pm    Login    Register
Female weightlifter goes to the doctor" i've been taking steroids & seem to have grown a cock".

"Anabolic" asks the Dr.

"No just a cock" says the woman.
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #866 12 Jan 2013 at 2.54pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #864
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #865 12 Jan 2013 at 11.59am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #864
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #864 12 Jan 2013 at 11.19am    Login    Register
The reason Alex Ferguson chews so much gum is that after sucking off all the officials before the match starts, old whiskey nose then has to spend the rest of the game getting the taste out of his mouth.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #863 12 Jan 2013 at 11.19am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #861
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #862 12 Jan 2013 at 9.53am    Login    Register
I was watching the undateables last night and there was a blonde girl on it who due to a stroke a few years ago,now struggles to talk and start conversation.
Undateable? She's perfect.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #861 12 Jan 2013 at 9.48am    Login    Register
The missus went to the doctors to see what the spot was between her tits.
She returned home relieved to be told it was her belly botton
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #860 12 Jan 2013 at 9.45am    Login    Register
LFC have decided to appeal the 2 red cards Howard Webb will give them against Man Utd on Sunday.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #859 12 Jan 2013 at 9.41am    Login    Register
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.
I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a life jacket.
But as I told everyone."its what he would have wanted"!!
.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #858 12 Jan 2013 at 9.37am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #857
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