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What's a pelican, an ostrich and the HM Revenue got in common?
They can all stick their bills up their arse!
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In reply to Post #911
post 904 brilliant 
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In reply to Post #910
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A stranger text me last night asking me to meet him in the woods so he could see my penis.
The weirdo never turned up!!
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Tesco's are bringing out a new range of beef burgers called Fernando Torres............100% Pony.
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If you thought Tesco's burger scandal was bad,it has emerged that Iceland have been selling Quarter Panda's.
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I made a curry the other night and sat down to eat it.On the telly there was a advert for Oxfam.They showed a starving poor family covered with flies and dying.With a lump in my throat and tears streaming down my face l thought,"f--K me this curry's hot!"
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A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
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In reply to Post #904
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 |  | |
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Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do." says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go."
"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves!"
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opened the first room. In it was Nancy Peloisi and a large pool of hot water. she kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was her fate in hell.
"No!' said Obama. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer!" The Devil led him to the next room. In it was George bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day."
The Devil opened the third door. In it, Obama saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to Go!"
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Now Tesco are taking veggie burgers off the shelves as well. Supposedly they've discovered traces of UniQuorn!
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Horse meat found in Tesco burgers,camel toe found in Primark leggings.
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All these protests going on in India over the gang rape death.Who's manning the phones?
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My friend ended up in hospital after eating burgers containing horse meat from Tesco. He's in a stable condition but he still has the trots.
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In reply to Post #898
Just seen Black Hawk Down in 3D. It was brilliant.
Who needs HMV or Blockbusters when you live in Vauxhall
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NON Carp stuff