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SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1032 5 Feb 2013 at 10.17am    Login    Register
As the doctors rushed about in the operating room, my head was in a daze. Slowly but surely I could feel my life ebbing away. The lads holidays I'm going to miss, spontaneous piss ups a long distant thing of the past, so many unfulfilled dreams that would never happen.

As I tried to grasp the magnitude of what was happening, I heard one of the doctors utter the words I was dreading.

"Congratulations Mr. Smith, you have a healthy baby girl."
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1031 5 Feb 2013 at 10.12am    Login    Register
I started my first day as a telephone operator for The Suicide Helpline this morning and I had a call from some guy.

He said, "I'm currently walking towards a railway track deciding on whether or not to get hit by a train and end my life."

"Don't do it," I said, "Do you think that you could hold the line for just a minute?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Well, do that then," I said, "Electrocuting yourself is a much manlier way to go."
chris9
Posts: 4400
chris9
   Old Thread  #1030 4 Feb 2013 at 9.17pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1029
Richard III holds the record for staying in a car park the longest.

2nd goes to Peter Odemwingie.
carpy09
Posts: 13753
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1029 4 Feb 2013 at 7.02pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1027
carpy09
Posts: 13753
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1028 4 Feb 2013 at 7.01pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1024
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1027 4 Feb 2013 at 6.49pm    Login    Register
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $1,000?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for
$ 10,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again,
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for
$100,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says,"Hmmmmm, $100,000... OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,
burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"No!," says the little old man... "That costs
too much!
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1026 4 Feb 2013 at 5.03pm    Login    Register
"Match-fixing: Champions League tie played in England 'was fixed'"

'No idea what you're talking about' Said Alex Ferguson as he bundled Howard Webb into a taxi.
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1025 4 Feb 2013 at 4.46pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1024
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1024 4 Feb 2013 at 4.42pm    Login    Register
Rocky Has Broken His Leg And His Friend Bob Comes Over To See Him.Bob: “How Are You Doing?”Rocky: “Fine, Hey, Do Me A Favor Go Upstairs & Get Me My Slippers, My Feet Are Freezing”Bob Goes Upstairs & Sees Rocky’s Hot Twin Sisters Laying On The Bed.Bob: “Your Brother Sent Me Up To Have Sex With You Girls”Twins: “Prove It”Bob (Shouting): “Hey Rocky, Both Of Them?”Rocky (Shouting Back): “Of Course, What’s The Point Of Fcuking One
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1023 4 Feb 2013 at 2.07pm    Login    Register
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1022 4 Feb 2013 at 12.33pm    Login    Register
My wife has got a tattoo on her inner thigh of a sea shell,

When I put my ear to it, I can smell the sea.
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1021 4 Feb 2013 at 12.14pm    Login    Register
I said to the wife, "I'm horny."

"What you want me to do?"

"Give me a sh@g."

"Oh, really?"

"No, just joking," I laughed. "I just wanted to give you a headache
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1020 4 Feb 2013 at 10.14am    Login    Register
What separates men from animals?

A bucket of cold water..
deaffred
Posts: 4816
deaffred
   Old Thread  #1019 3 Feb 2013 at 9.06pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1018


I,m loving this thread , shame the other one went
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1018 3 Feb 2013 at 6.42pm    Login    Register
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $1,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $1 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about"
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger
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