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SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1072 10 Feb 2013 at 10.26am    Login    Register
It turns out that the horse meat scandal was all a big misunderstanding.

The CEO of the meat company has since sacked his buyer, saying "I told you to research new markets for supplies, not fcuking Newmarket.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1071 9 Feb 2013 at 9.43pm    Login    Register
My doctor has told me l have to watch what l eat,so i've booked tickets for the grand national.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1070 9 Feb 2013 at 9.20pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1069
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1069 9 Feb 2013 at 9.11pm    Login    Register
I got woken up in the early hours as my son got in from a night out, giggling and stumbling up the stairs before the inevitable groans and banging headboard of a good old drunken shag. 'That's my boy.' I whispered to myself and nodded back off to sleep, proud as proud can be!

I waited for the all clear in the morning then collared him.

"Had a good time last night?", I asked.

"Yeah, thanks for asking.", he replied sheepishly.

"Listen son," I said, "I was your age once, going round town nailing everything in sight but I was always careful and you should do the same. You did wear a condom didn't you?"

"Don't worry dad," he replied, "we both did!"
andywilcock
Posts: 1920
andywilcock
   Old Thread  #1068 9 Feb 2013 at 7.38pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1045
Im crying!
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1067 9 Feb 2013 at 3.21pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1066
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1066 9 Feb 2013 at 12.07pm    Login    Register
I was playing rock, paper, scissors with the girlfriend earlier.

When it was time to show, I started to gesture my finger in and out of my mouth.

"What is that supposed to be?" she said, "That's not rock, paper or scissors."

"I know, it's a blowjob." I said, "Nothing beats a blowjob."
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1065 9 Feb 2013 at 8.32am    Login    Register
Never mind horses in lasagne,

I think I've found Heather Mills missing leg in my Linda McCartney sausages.
steveelmes
Posts: 465
steveelmes
   Old Thread  #1064 8 Feb 2013 at 8.07pm    Login    Register
Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?" Girl says "I donít think itís in yet"He replies "Yeah, thatís the one!!!"
steveelmes
Posts: 465
steveelmes
   Old Thread  #1063 8 Feb 2013 at 8.06pm    Login    Register
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality!"
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1062 8 Feb 2013 at 10.58am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1060
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1061 8 Feb 2013 at 10.40am    Login    Register
A girl with a fantastic figure started talking to me at a bar.

"Are you a student?" she asked me.

I said, "Yes,"

"That's great," she added. "What are you studying at the moment?"

"Your tits." I replied.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1060 8 Feb 2013 at 10.39am    Login    Register
Viagra has been great for my sex life...

But my frequent need to urinate has stained my bathroom ceiling tiles piss yellow.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1059 8 Feb 2013 at 10.38am    Login    Register
My doctor has told me I have to stop eating Findus frozen meals.

I have to reduce my Shergar intake.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1058 8 Feb 2013 at 8.57am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1057
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