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It turns out that the horse meat scandal was all a big misunderstanding.
The CEO of the meat company has since sacked his buyer, saying "I told you to research new markets for supplies, not fcuking Newmarket.
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My doctor has told me l have to watch what l eat,so i've booked tickets for the grand national.
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In reply to Post #1069
 
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I got woken up in the early hours as my son got in from a night out, giggling and stumbling up the stairs before the inevitable groans and banging headboard of a good old drunken shag. 'That's my boy.' I whispered to myself and nodded back off to sleep, proud as proud can be!
I waited for the all clear in the morning then collared him.
"Had a good time last night?", I asked.
"Yeah, thanks for asking.", he replied sheepishly.
"Listen son," I said, "I was your age once, going round town nailing everything in sight but I was always careful and you should do the same. You did wear a condom didn't you?"
"Don't worry dad," he replied, "we both did!"
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In reply to Post #1045
Im crying!
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In reply to Post #1066
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I was playing rock, paper, scissors with the girlfriend earlier.
When it was time to show, I started to gesture my finger in and out of my mouth.
"What is that supposed to be?" she said, "That's not rock, paper or scissors."
"I know, it's a blowjob." I said, "Nothing beats a blowjob."
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Never mind horses in lasagne,
I think I've found Heather Mills missing leg in my Linda McCartney sausages.
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Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?" Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!!!"
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The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality!"
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In reply to Post #1060
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A girl with a fantastic figure started talking to me at a bar.
"Are you a student?" she asked me.
I said, "Yes,"
"That's great," she added. "What are you studying at the moment?"
"Your tits." I replied.
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Viagra has been great for my sex life...
But my frequent need to urinate has stained my bathroom ceiling tiles piss yellow.
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My doctor has told me I have to stop eating Findus frozen meals.
I have to reduce my Shergar intake.
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In reply to Post #1057
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NON Carp stuff