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carpy09
Posts: 13864
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1074 10 Feb 2013 at 11.30am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1073
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1073 10 Feb 2013 at 11.25am  0  Login    Register
One morning, a Hell's Angel goes into a coffee bar and orders a large cappuccino. As he is about to leave, he asks the waitress for his bill.

"Two pounds sixty," she says.

The Hell's Angel produces 260 penny coins, drops them on the floor and leaves.

This happens every morning for the next few days until one morning the Hell's Angel wants to pay with a fiver. Gotcha, thinks the waitress, who has been waiting for this day to get her revenge: she drops 240 pennies onto the floor.

"Your change," she says with a smug little smile.

The Hell's Angel produces a 20 pence coin and places it on the table.

"Another large cappuccino, please."
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1072 10 Feb 2013 at 10.26am  0  Login    Register
It turns out that the horse meat scandal was all a big misunderstanding.

The CEO of the meat company has since sacked his buyer, saying "I told you to research new markets for supplies, not fcuking Newmarket.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1071 9 Feb 2013 at 9.43pm  0  Login    Register
My doctor has told me l have to watch what l eat,so i've booked tickets for the grand national.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1070 9 Feb 2013 at 9.20pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1069
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1069 9 Feb 2013 at 9.11pm  0  Login    Register
I got woken up in the early hours as my son got in from a night out, giggling and stumbling up the stairs before the inevitable groans and banging headboard of a good old drunken shag. 'That's my boy.' I whispered to myself and nodded back off to sleep, proud as proud can be!

I waited for the all clear in the morning then collared him.

"Had a good time last night?", I asked.

"Yeah, thanks for asking.", he replied sheepishly.

"Listen son," I said, "I was your age once, going round town nailing everything in sight but I was always careful and you should do the same. You did wear a condom didn't you?"

"Don't worry dad," he replied, "we both did!"
andywilcock
Posts: 1921
andywilcock
   Old Thread  #1068 9 Feb 2013 at 7.38pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1045
Im crying!
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1067 9 Feb 2013 at 3.21pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1066
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1066 9 Feb 2013 at 12.07pm  0  Login    Register
I was playing rock, paper, scissors with the girlfriend earlier.

When it was time to show, I started to gesture my finger in and out of my mouth.

"What is that supposed to be?" she said, "That's not rock, paper or scissors."

"I know, it's a blowjob." I said, "Nothing beats a blowjob."
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1065 9 Feb 2013 at 8.32am  0  Login    Register
Never mind horses in lasagne,

I think I've found Heather Mills missing leg in my Linda McCartney sausages.
steveelmes
Posts: 465
steveelmes
   Old Thread  #1064 8 Feb 2013 at 8.07pm  0  Login    Register
Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?" Girl says "I donít think itís in yet"He replies "Yeah, thatís the one!!!"
steveelmes
Posts: 465
steveelmes
   Old Thread  #1063 8 Feb 2013 at 8.06pm  0  Login    Register
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality!"
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1062 8 Feb 2013 at 10.58am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1060
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1061 8 Feb 2013 at 10.40am  0  Login    Register
A girl with a fantastic figure started talking to me at a bar.

"Are you a student?" she asked me.

I said, "Yes,"

"That's great," she added. "What are you studying at the moment?"

"Your tits." I replied.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1060 8 Feb 2013 at 10.39am  0  Login    Register
Viagra has been great for my sex life...

But my frequent need to urinate has stained my bathroom ceiling tiles piss yellow.
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