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Joke Thread
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carpy09

Posts: 13803

#1273 7 Mar 2013 at 8.26pm

In reply to Post #1272

sik

Posts: 2391

#1272 7 Mar 2013 at 8.23pm

Little Johnny Came Down For Breakfast One Morning And Asked His Grandma.

Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”

Grandma Replied: “They’re Up In Bed”

So The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And Ate His Breakfast And Went Out To Play.

Then He Came Back In For Lunch And Asked His Grandma.

Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”

Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”

And The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And He Ate His Lunch And Went Out To Play.

Then The Little Johnny Came In For Dinner And Once Again He Asked His Grandma.

Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”

Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”

And The Little Johnny Started To Laugh And His Grandmother Asked.

Grandmother: “What Give’s? Every Time I Tell You They’re Still Up In Bed You Start To Laugh! What Is Going On Here? ”

The Little Johnny Replied: “Well Last Night Daddy Came Into My Bedroom And Asked Me For The Vaseline And I Gave Him Super Glue Instead

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2196

#1271 7 Mar 2013 at 7.54pm

Buying a Lasagne in Britain is a lot like trying to pick out a prostitute in Thailand.

You know some of them are going to contain some unwanted meat.

carpy09

Posts: 13803

#1270 7 Mar 2013 at 12.53pm

In reply to Post #1265

SlugHunter

Posts: 22735

#1269 7 Mar 2013 at 10.28am

"I caught my twelve year old son looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey.

"That's pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn't it?" he asked.

"Not on eBay it isn't." I said.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22735

#1268 7 Mar 2013 at 10.21am

I'd do anything for a friend. I once sucked the snake venom out my mate's system and saved his life.

It was a bit weird that the snake bit him directly on the end of his penis.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1267 7 Mar 2013 at 7.43am

In reply to Post #1265

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1266 7 Mar 2013 at 5.37am

In reply to Post #1265

SlugHunter

Posts: 22735

#1265 6 Mar 2013 at 9.50pm

I can remember being told about the 'birds and the bees' when I was about 12.

"Son, there's many things girls like, some like sucking cock, gagging on cock, some like a couple of fingers in their arse, some will even enjoy licking your @rsehole,but always remember contraception.

A good way is to spunk on their tits, or even better in my opinion, get them to swallow the whole load of your salty cum. Have you any questions?"

"Just the one really," I replied,"Isn't it dads job to give me this talking to mum?"

SlugHunter

Posts: 22735

#1264 6 Mar 2013 at 4.29pm

Every time I shag a girl they do an impression of Dr. Evil.

Either that or they just like holding up their baby finger and laughing.

SlugHunter

Posts: 22735

#1263 6 Mar 2013 at 3.33pm

In reply to Post #1262

sik

Posts: 2391

#1262 6 Mar 2013 at 1.42pm

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “Fcuk, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

sik

Posts: 2391

#1261 6 Mar 2013 at 1.30pm

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She choose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked with a hard on

carpy09

Posts: 13803

#1260 6 Mar 2013 at 12.41pm

In reply to Post #1257

sik

Posts: 2391

#1259 6 Mar 2013 at 11.56am

In reply to Post #1248
awesome mate


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