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SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1313 13 Mar 2013 at 7.09pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1312
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1312 13 Mar 2013 at 4.31pm  0  Login    Register
Little Timmy hears his parents arguing... Mom: You b@stard! Your d1ck is too small! Dad: Oh yeah bitch? Well your c*nt is too hairy! *Never hearing these words before he asks them what they mean. Mom: Oh, well, sometimes adults call each other bitches and b@stards... and d1ck and c*nt is what we nicknamed our coats... *Satisfied with these answers he leaves. The next day was Thanksgiving. *He goes upstairs and his dad cuts himself while shaving Dad:Sh1t! Timmy: Daddy what does sh1it mean? Dad: uh... It's the brand of shaving creme I'm using... go downstairs. *Goes downstairs and his mom burns herself from the turkey Mom:Fcuk! Timmy:Mommy what does fcuk mean? Mom:um... It's the kind of stuffing I'm using *The guests arrive and determined to put his new vocabulary to use, he says... Timmy: Okay all you bitches and b@stards, you can hang your d1cks and c*nts in the closet. My dad is putting sh1t on his face and my mom is fcuking the turkey
carpy09
Posts: 13838
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1311 13 Mar 2013 at 4.28pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1308
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1310 13 Mar 2013 at 4.13pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1309
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1309 13 Mar 2013 at 4.09pm  0  Login    Register
Amsterdam's oldest prostitutes have retired after more than 50 years each in the sex trade, twins Louise and Martine Fokkens have slept with over 355,000 men between them.

A spokesman said the City of Amsterdam will erect something in their honour.
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1308 13 Mar 2013 at 3.48pm  0  Login    Register
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a fcukin bull in Montana.
carpy09
Posts: 13838
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1307 13 Mar 2013 at 3.24pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1305
carpy09
Posts: 13838
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1306 13 Mar 2013 at 3.23pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1304
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1305 13 Mar 2013 at 2.42pm  0  Login    Register
A husband calls up a hotel's manager from his room..
Husband : Please come fast , I was having an argument with my wife and she says shes gonna jump out of the window.
Manager : Sir, I am sorry I can't help you , this seems to be a personal issue.
Husband : You fcuking a@@hole, this is a maintenance issue. The window isn't opening
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1304 13 Mar 2013 at 2.34pm  0  Login    Register
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing
carpy09
Posts: 13838
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1303 13 Mar 2013 at 8.06am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1302
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1302 13 Mar 2013 at 7.47am  0  Login    Register
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what “sh1t” meant.

Thinking fast she replied “food on the table.”

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does “son of a bitch” mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says “It’s a priest.”

Next day he comes home a asks what does “fcukin” mean. She says it means “getting dressed.”

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells “got it”. He opens the door and says “Hey son of a bitch, sh1ts on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fcukin
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1301 12 Mar 2013 at 10.08pm  0  Login    Register
Paddy and murphy in tesco's and paddy says the cheeky barstards are putting zebra meat in burger ingredients now.

Murphy says thats the bar code you tw@t.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1300 12 Mar 2013 at 2.55pm  0  Login    Register
Ive ust bought myself a pair of Meatloaf underwear.

On the front it says "i will do anything for love"

On the back it says "but i wont do that".
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1299 12 Mar 2013 at 2.52pm  0  Login    Register
My best mate found out last week that he couldn't give his wife children.

He committed suicide last night.

I went to see his wife today, I held her in my arms, comforting her, both of us crying.

"He didn't even leave a note." She sobbed.

"He wanted to, but couldn't." I wailed back.

"Why not?" She sniffed.

"He had no lead in his pencil." I replied.
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