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In reply to Post #1392
Should have used the peter beardsley one.....even more messy than messi 
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My girlfriend wanted me to give her a messy facial.
So I cut the poster out of my football magazine, poked holes in the eyes and attached a rubber band.
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I bought some kangaroo condoms today.
They're for the gland down under.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 |  | |
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In reply to Post #1384
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My wife found out I slept with a prostitute the other day.
"It's over between us!" she shouted, "You will pay for what you did."
"Sure," I replied, "It was the best 30 quid I've ever spent."
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In reply to Post #1386
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation." The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water Representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence "Your card! Show him your fcukin card!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A blonde woman is invited for dinner at her cousins house and as they only live a few blocks apart the blonde lady has walked there. As the blonde is getting ready to leave it starts pouring with rain. The cousin has had a few too many drinks at dinner so says to her blonde cousin "why not just sleep the night here and you can head home tomorrow when it's stopped raining or I can run you home as I'll be sober then"
The blonde agrees so her cousin goes to get some blankets. When she comes back with the blankets she can't find the blonde anywhere. Half an hour later there's a knock at the door. It's the blonde, completely drenched. The cousin says "What are you doing ? Where have you been in the rain I thought you were going to sleep over?" "Yes I am " says the blonde "but I had to go home to get my pyjamas
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In reply to Post #1384
 kin funny tho 
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You think the new Tower Zingy Burger from KFC is spicy?
Try going down on your lass after she has been dancing.
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In reply to Post #1382
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In reply to Post #1376
Haha!!!!!
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In reply to Post #1379
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In reply to Post #1379
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to make his first jump from an airplane. The next day he called home to tell his father about it.
“So, did you jump?” the father asked.
“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!”
“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father.
“Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”
“Did you jump then?” asked the father.
“I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass.”
“So, did you jump?”
“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ‘Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’”
“I said, ‘No, sir. I'm too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this baby up your @ss!’”
“So… did you jump?” asked the father.
“Well, a little, at first.
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NON Carp stuff