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carpy09
Posts: 13832
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1432 26 Mar 2013 at 6.28am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1427
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1431 26 Mar 2013 at 6.11am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1427
Sayler2228
Posts: 156
   Old Thread  #1430 25 Mar 2013 at 7.09pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1429
A rabbit walks into a bar and asks the bar man for a chesse and ham tostie and a pint of beer. Despite being amazed about a talking rabbit, the bar man gives him the tostie and the beer. The rabbit eats the toastie, drinks the beer then leaves.

The rabbit comes back the next night when the pub is busier as word has got round of a talking rabbit. He rabbit gets his toastie and beer, consumes them both, then leaves.

The next night the pub is packed, but in goes the rabbit and asks the bar man for his toastie and beer. The bar man however says to the rabbit, 'I'm sorry we're all out of cheese and ham toasties but we do have cheese and onion toasties, I'm sure you'll like them!'
The rabbit hesitently eats the toastie and drinks the beer then leaves.

After that night the rabbit never returns. The pub becomes run down and on the brink of closing. The bar is empty and the bar man is cleaning when all of a sudden he sees a white figure, it is the rabbit. The bar man says to him, 'what happened you never came back.'
'I DIED!' said the rabbit
'How?' Asks the bar man



'Mixing me toasties!'
Sayler2228
Posts: 156
   Old Thread  #1429 25 Mar 2013 at 6.47pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1428
2 men walk into a building.... you would have thought one of them would see it
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1428 25 Mar 2013 at 6.05pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1427
belter
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1427 25 Mar 2013 at 3.07pm    Login    Register
While taking a break from recording the new series of The Voice, Will popped round to our house for a cup of tea.

Now I don't know if it was his aftershave, but my rottweiler started to get really frisky with him. He pinned down, and was humping away. I tried dragging him away, but he wouldn't let him go till he'd finished.

Needless to say, I Am's now contains 30% more animal protein.
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1426 25 Mar 2013 at 1.44pm    Login    Register
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1425 25 Mar 2013 at 8.57am    Login    Register
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine for his work on clinical depression.

Apparently he can predict who will commit suicide the next week in London by just picking up his phone
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1424 25 Mar 2013 at 8.56am    Login    Register
It can't be easy having a close relative who is severely mentally retarded.

But Harvey Price seems to cope quite well.
carppad
Posts: 528
carppad
   Old Thread  #1423 25 Mar 2013 at 5.42am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1422
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1422 25 Mar 2013 at 4.00am    Login    Register
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”

Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1421 25 Mar 2013 at 1.45am    Login    Register
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.
carpy09
Posts: 13832
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1420 24 Mar 2013 at 7.45pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1415
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1419 24 Mar 2013 at 7.17pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1415
that,s funny sik
ralph69
Posts: 10358
ralph69
   Old Thread  #1418 24 Mar 2013 at 7.15pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1415
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