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sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1473 1 Apr 2013 at 6.54pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1462
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1472 1 Apr 2013 at 6.34pm  0  Login    Register
Tom was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor and ripped off both of his ears. As he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a very large sum of money and left the company. At first he was highly self-conscious about his disability and he stayed at home, keeping himself to himself.

A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out.

After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews. The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, “I couldn’t help but notice, but you don’t appear to have any ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.

The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.

The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together. Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man replied, “Well, it’s obvious really. You can’t wear glasses if you haven’t got any fcuking ears!
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1471 1 Apr 2013 at 5.52pm  0  Login    Register
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of trying they decided to go to the hospital.

As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”

The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1470 1 Apr 2013 at 8.39am  0  Login    Register
Is there no end to Rolf Harris's musical talents? Hit songwriter, singer, virtuoso on didgeridoo and wobble-board, and now we find out he's also an expert fiddler.
carpy09
Posts: 13807
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1469 31 Mar 2013 at 2.49pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1464
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1468 31 Mar 2013 at 2.36pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1464
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1467 31 Mar 2013 at 1.57pm  0  Login    Register
I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had sex with a complete stranger.

As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, "The deal is you must pull out just before ejaculating."

I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out.

Knocking some poor c.... off his motorbike.
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1466 31 Mar 2013 at 1.53pm  0  Login    Register
I went up to a fit girl at a swingers party and asked if she wanted some fun.

"You're new to this aren't you" she smiled.

"What makes you think that?" I said.

"Because you're dressed as a gorilla.
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1465 31 Mar 2013 at 1.47pm  0  Login    Register
A man stubbed his toe so badly he decided to go to the doctor.

When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and wait in the next room.

"I just hurt my toe," complained the man. "Why do I need to take off my clothes?"

"Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress," explained the nurse politely. "It's our policy."

"Well, I think it's a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at my toe! Geeez!"

From the next room another man's voice piped up. . . "That's fcuk all I just came here to fix the telephone!"
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1464 31 Mar 2013 at 1.46pm  0  Login    Register
A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests.

The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room.

Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.

"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."

"Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat. "It's the first hard on I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1463 31 Mar 2013 at 1.32pm  0  Login    Register
My mate asked what a dilemma was?
So i said,"imagine you're naked and in a big bed.
A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
"Who you gonna turn your back on?"
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1462 31 Mar 2013 at 1.28pm  0  Login    Register
I've just broken the world record for holding my breath under water.An incredible 8 Minutes,42 Seconds!
It all started when a girl at the swimming pool shouted "That,s him over there Daddy".
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1461 31 Mar 2013 at 1.24pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1456
carpy09
Posts: 13807
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1460 31 Mar 2013 at 10.16am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1459
elltell
Posts: 1435
elltell
   Old Thread  #1459 31 Mar 2013 at 7.21am  0  Login    Register
Two  businessmen in the centre of Lymington
were sitting down for a break  in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with  only a few shelves set up. 
One said to the other,  "I bet any minute now some pensioner  is going to walk by, put their face to the window,  and ask what we're selling."
No  sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window,  had a peek,   and in a soft voice asked,  

"What are you selling here?" 

One  of the men replied sarcastically,  "We're selling  ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said',,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
 
 
“Must be doing well... Only the two of you left."
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