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carpy09
Posts: 13753
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1512 9 Apr 2013 at 5.50pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1509
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1511 9 Apr 2013 at 4.57pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1509
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1510 9 Apr 2013 at 4.09pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1509
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1509 9 Apr 2013 at 3.23pm    Login    Register
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1508 9 Apr 2013 at 3.14pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1506
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1507 9 Apr 2013 at 3.12pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1499
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1506 9 Apr 2013 at 12.26pm    Login    Register
I was gutted to hear about the death of margaret thatcher....i had Nelson mandela in the sweepstake!
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1505 9 Apr 2013 at 12.21pm    Login    Register
When i realized margaret thatcher was dead,i did a double fist pump and shouted,f...... brilliant"
Everyone around me was disgusted,and looking back,i suppose it was out of order.especially as i was the first paramedic at the scene.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1504 9 Apr 2013 at 12.17pm    Login    Register
Just seen the plans for Thatchers grave.It looks good but i think they should have made the dance floor a bit bigger.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1503 9 Apr 2013 at 12.15pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1502
Samjones_94
Posts: 513
Samjones_94
   Old Thread  #1502 8 Apr 2013 at 11.20pm    Login    Register
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=497402913640240&set=vb.449509825096216&type=2&theater

Proper funny! This guy goes absolutley mental over not being able to play guitar!
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1501 8 Apr 2013 at 6.47pm    Login    Register
Is it too early to say Margaret Thatcher ...... me when i was a miner?
KyleCarton95
Posts: 19
   Old Thread  #1500 8 Apr 2013 at 5.10pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1499
I was out last night when an ugly ****ing bird approached me. We got into into a conversation and she asked me if I had a nickname and I replied "Yes my friends call me the sledge". She said "The sledge, why do they call you that ?" "Because I always get pulled by ****ing dogs" I replied.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1499 8 Apr 2013 at 9.22am    Login    Register
I confronted my daughter after she strolled in at 3am this morning.

"You've been to a bukkake party, haven't you!" I said.

"No, I haven't dad, I promise!" she replied contritely.

"Oh come on," I said, "It's all over your face."
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1498 7 Apr 2013 at 10.59am    Login    Register
A man goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his sons room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesnt eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. Good God, Dear,he proclaims, i have just had the worst day of my entire life

She responds, You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.
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