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sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1552 16 Apr 2013 at 6.11pm    Login    Register
While in bed, the wife and I like to play a childish game; here is how it works:
We make love like any normal husband and wife would. After five minutes of passionate sex, my neighbour pops round and joins in the fun. A couple of minutes later my best mate walks through the door and joins, as does my other mate. This goes on until my wife suddenly snaps. She jumps up and down throwing everyone and everything everywhere causing havoc within the bedroom. The person who joined the game last before the wife got fed up loses.

I like to call it Fcukaroo
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1551 16 Apr 2013 at 3.09pm    Login    Register
Well, I'm certainly not a fan of Thatcher's, but I have to say that all the celebrations and parties don't feel like the appropriate response to the announcement of her death.

That's why I'm organising a little candlelight vigil with some friends.

Around her corpse.

Stake and mallet in hand.

Just to be on the safe side. The parties can wait.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1550 16 Apr 2013 at 10.59am    Login    Register
"Kids are just like sh1ts" I said to a mate.

"Why, because you can only stand your own?" he said.

"No" I replied, "Ever since my wife had one in front of me I don't want to go anywhere near her!"
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1549 15 Apr 2013 at 1.25pm    Login    Register
I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard...

I came in cider.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1548 15 Apr 2013 at 10.05am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1547
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1547 15 Apr 2013 at 5.18am    Login    Register
I came home early and found a naked man in my house. The bloke looked uncomfortable, but my wife told the most extraordinary story. She told me that the man was 'seeing' Tracey from upstairs and as her husband arrived early, in a panic he hid his clothes and sneaked downstairs and made a dart for our door.

I sympathised with the bloke since I realised how awkward the situation must be, and to be fair, good on him. I gave him some of my clothes and enough money for a taxi. We also had a quiet laugh at Tracey's husband's expense on the way out.

The next day I was telling this quite incredible tale to mates down at the pub, when the ****s all burst out laughing. I knew what they were trying to make out, but after a bit I'd got a bit fed up with all the banter.

My oldest friend pulled me to one side and said, "Mate, you've been taken for a ride there, stop showing yourself up."

I replied, "I know what you're trying to get at, it's not funny. It's just one of those scenarios... "

He interrupted my sentence with a big sigh, gazed at his pint for a few seconds then slowly looked back at me.

"Mate", he said, whilst pausing for a few more uncomfortable moments, "You live in a bungalow.
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1546 15 Apr 2013 at 4.57am    Login    Register
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, "Big t1ts."

He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

So I said, "Oh, seriously big t1ts."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's t1ts are that big
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1545 14 Apr 2013 at 8.47pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1544
well in
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1544 14 Apr 2013 at 7.28pm    Login    Register
It's sick the way some people are cashing in on Maggie's death!

Bloody corner shop's put up the prices of eggs and flour!
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1543 14 Apr 2013 at 7.27pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1542
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1542 14 Apr 2013 at 6.42pm    Login    Register
So Tiger Woods has been given a 2 shot penalty for dropping his ball in the wrong place.

He's lucky its only a 2 shot penalty, the last time he misplaced his balls so carelessly it cost him his marriage.
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1541 14 Apr 2013 at 6.16pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1534
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1540 14 Apr 2013 at 10.53am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1538
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1539 14 Apr 2013 at 10.51am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1534
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1538 14 Apr 2013 at 10.23am    Login    Register
My wife and I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent

Simon said, "What is your act?"
I said, "Magic."
He said, "Okay, so what are you both going to do?"
I said, "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air."
He said, "Have you ever done this before?"
I said, "Yes, once."
He said, "Okay Gerry & Kate, good luck.
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