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Last night,the presenter on a charity advert said,"Pick up your phone and pledge."
I'm still sitting here,with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the **** I'm supposed to do next.
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In reply to Post #1631
The Metropolitan Police are baffled after authorities at Wembley opened the stadium this morning to discover that 70,000 seats had towels on them.
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In reply to Post #1630
 
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"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for THUMBTACKS.In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?
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In reply to Post #1624
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In reply to Post #1625
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I was sad to hear that Audley Harrison has hung up his gloves........he could have sold them on ebay as nearly new.
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In reply to Post #1624
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I was in Ikea with my wife yesterday and she asked "What's beech wood"
I smiled and said "Remember when we were in Spain and you were playing in the sand and wearing that bikini?"
"Ohhh...yeah.." she said, giggling.
"Yeah, it's what I would have got that day if you were'nt fat".
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my wife took two hours to get ready to go out last night.
she came downstairs and said " how do i look"
like a film star i replied
oh , really , which one?
i said ****ing lassie
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In reply to Post #1618
after a 10 game ban , he'll probbably die of starvation
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My daughter went out on her first date yesterday, and I asked her how it went.
"Oh my god!" she said, "He was minging."
"In what way?" I said.
"He had greasy hair, manky teeth and really stinky breath."
"You never know, he might've been a really nice bloke," I replied.
"I know," she said, "But my standards are a lot higher than mum's were."
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In reply to Post #1620
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I walked in the pub last night to see 2 big blokes in there 20s arm wrestling with a huge crowd cheering around them.
I walked over and said to them, "I could beat either of you two in arm wrestle, hands down."
"Dont make me laugh," one of them said. "You're about 60 years old."
"I know I am," I replied. "But I'm also a virgin."
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A Mother in law said to her daughter in law, when the baby was born i don't mean to be rude,but he looks nothing like my son,the daughter lifted up her skirt and said,i don't mean to be rude but this is fanny not a ******* photocopier.
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NON Carp stuff