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catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1632 3 May 2013 at 10.44am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1631
The Metropolitan Police are baffled after authorities at Wembley opened the stadium this morning to discover that 70,000 seats had towels on them.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1631 3 May 2013 at 10.41am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1630
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1630 3 May 2013 at 10.29am    Login    Register
"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for THUMBTACKS.In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1629 3 May 2013 at 6.13am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1624
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1628 2 May 2013 at 9.37pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1625
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1627 2 May 2013 at 9.35pm    Login    Register
I was sad to hear that Audley Harrison has hung up his gloves........he could have sold them on ebay as nearly new.
carpy09
Posts: 13832
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1626 2 May 2013 at 11.05am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1624
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1625 2 May 2013 at 10.46am    Login    Register
I was in Ikea with my wife yesterday and she asked "What's beech wood"

I smiled and said "Remember when we were in Spain and you were playing in the sand and wearing that bikini?"

"Ohhh...yeah.." she said, giggling.

"Yeah, it's what I would have got that day if you were'nt fat".
ralph69
Posts: 10358
ralph69
   Old Thread  #1624 1 May 2013 at 9.25pm    Login    Register
my wife took two hours to get ready to go out last night.
she came downstairs and said " how do i look"
like a film star i replied
oh , really , which one?
i said ****ing lassie
ralph69
Posts: 10358
ralph69
   Old Thread  #1623 1 May 2013 at 9.21pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1618
after a 10 game ban , he'll probbably die of starvation
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1622 1 May 2013 at 1.30pm    Login    Register
My daughter went out on her first date yesterday, and I asked her how it went.

"Oh my god!" she said, "He was minging."

"In what way?" I said.

"He had greasy hair, manky teeth and really stinky breath."

"You never know, he might've been a really nice bloke," I replied.

"I know," she said, "But my standards are a lot higher than mum's were."
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1621 30 Apr 2013 at 7.53pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1620
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1620 30 Apr 2013 at 6.55pm    Login    Register
I walked in the pub last night to see 2 big blokes in there 20s arm wrestling with a huge crowd cheering around them.

I walked over and said to them, "I could beat either of you two in arm wrestle, hands down."

"Dont make me laugh," one of them said. "You're about 60 years old."

"I know I am," I replied. "But I'm also a virgin."
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1619 30 Apr 2013 at 9.01am    Login    Register
A Mother in law said to her daughter in law, when the baby was born i don't mean to be rude,but he looks nothing like my son,the daughter lifted up her skirt and said,i don't mean to be rude but this is fanny not a ******* photocopier.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1618 29 Apr 2013 at 1.19pm    Login    Register
All Liverpool fans can hope for is that Luis Suarez comes back even hungrier...
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