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sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1712 15 May 2013 at 4.14pm    Login    Register
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the fcukin remote
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1711 15 May 2013 at 9.56am    Login    Register
An old man went to the pharmacy to buy Viagra.

"Could I have 6 pills, and could they be split into quarters please?"

"I can split them" said the Pharmacist. "But a quarter of a pill won't give you a full erection."

"I'm 96 years old, I don't want an erection. I just want it too poke out enough that I don't piss on my slippers!"
carpy09
Posts: 13753
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1710 13 May 2013 at 6.21pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1705
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1709 13 May 2013 at 6.16pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1705
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1708 13 May 2013 at 4.45pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1705
shed
Posts: 1394
shed
   Old Thread  #1707 13 May 2013 at 4.11pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1705
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1706 13 May 2013 at 10.40am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1704
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1705 13 May 2013 at 8.15am    Login    Register
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1704 13 May 2013 at 8.11am    Login    Register
There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1703 13 May 2013 at 7.54am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1701
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1702 13 May 2013 at 7.24am    Login    Register
The last time I saw this much fuss about an old man finishing his career in Manchester

Ken Barlow was being led away in handcuffs
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1701 12 May 2013 at 6.06pm    Login    Register
"I've been waiting for you."She whispered as she bent over pulling up her nighty."Now get over here and stick it in my arse".
I hate suppository time at Grandma's house.
carpy09
Posts: 13753
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1700 12 May 2013 at 2.02pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1695
sik
Posts: 2391
sik
   Old Thread  #1699 12 May 2013 at 1.59pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1698
WaftyCranker
Posts: 3455
WaftyCranker
   Old Thread  #1698 12 May 2013 at 1.48pm    Login    Register
After having a good sh!t, I sprayed my aftershave to cover up the smell.

Now my bathroom just smells like a sh!t is getting ready for a night out.
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