CarpForum Thread : Joke Thread : Carp Fishing Forum




[Log-In] or [Register]	Advertise to thousands of anglers a day! Click HERE to see how



Home	Search		Help / FAQs	Rules / Usage

Who's Online	Member List	Articles	Gallery	Weather

New Posts: 0

Joke Thread
[Log-In] [Register]

sik

Posts: 2391

#1713 15 May 2013 at 4.19pm

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

sik

Posts: 2391

#1712 15 May 2013 at 4.14pm

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the fcukin remote

SlugHunter

Posts: 22735

#1711 15 May 2013 at 9.56am

An old man went to the pharmacy to buy Viagra.

"Could I have 6 pills, and could they be split into quarters please?"

"I can split them" said the Pharmacist. "But a quarter of a pill won't give you a full erection."

"I'm 96 years old, I don't want an erection. I just want it too poke out enough that I don't piss on my slippers!"

carpy09

Posts: 13803

#1710 13 May 2013 at 6.21pm

In reply to Post #1705

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1709 13 May 2013 at 6.16pm

In reply to Post #1705

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#1708 13 May 2013 at 4.45pm

In reply to Post #1705

shed

Posts: 1394

#1707 13 May 2013 at 4.11pm

In reply to Post #1705

SlugHunter

Posts: 22735

#1706 13 May 2013 at 10.40am

In reply to Post #1704

sik

Posts: 2391

#1705 13 May 2013 at 8.15am

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!

sik

Posts: 2391

#1704 13 May 2013 at 8.11am

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

sik

Posts: 2391

#1703 13 May 2013 at 7.54am

In reply to Post #1701

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#1702 13 May 2013 at 7.24am

The last time I saw this much fuss about an old man finishing his career in Manchester

Ken Barlow was being led away in handcuffs

catfish1

Posts: 1629

#1701 12 May 2013 at 6.06pm

"I've been waiting for you."She whispered as she bent over pulling up her nighty."Now get over here and stick it in my arse".
I hate suppository time at Grandma's house.

carpy09

Posts: 13803

#1700 12 May 2013 at 2.02pm

In reply to Post #1695

sik

Posts: 2391

#1699 12 May 2013 at 1.59pm

In reply to Post #1698


	Page: 70.3333333333333 of 184




Stickies General Discussion Sponsor Posts/Updates CarpForum FishIns Tackle Reviews Rigs Bait Catch Results Venues (UK) Venues (Foreign) Classifieds FAQs and Help Feedback to CarpForum NON Carp Stuff	Advertising disclosure
� Copyright 2002-2024 - www.CarpForum.co.uk	contact : webmaster@carpforum.co.uk