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ralph69
Posts: 10352
ralph69
   Old Thread  #1752 20 May 2013 at 4.13pm    Login    Register
paddy pulls up at the traffic lights and a really fit bird pulls up next to him
paddy smiles at her and winds his window down
she smiles back at paddy and winds her window down
paddy says to her ," have you farted aswell"
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1751 20 May 2013 at 3.23pm    Login    Register
I went into my local pharmacy for some condoms. It's run by my mate's mum, who's a snotty cow.

"Can I have two dozen condoms please, Miss?" I said with my best smile.

"Don't 'Miss' me, young Dave Wheeler!" she replied sternly.

"Ooooh, OK!" I told her. "Better make it 25 then."
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1750 19 May 2013 at 10.39am    Login    Register
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Aye, man, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle like."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, Gaffa."

The manager groaned ..."Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a booat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the new 4 x 4 Mitsubishi Shogun".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of Tampax for his missus like and I said ''Well, since ya weekend's buggered, ya might as well be gan fishin..."""
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1749 18 May 2013 at 7.54pm    Login    Register
Jimmy puts his hand up. "Miss," he says. "Would you do anal?"

"I beg your pardon?" says his teacher.

"I mean, would you take it up the arse miss?"

His teacher explodes. "You just stay behind after school and see me, young man!"

"Good," beams Jimmy. "I was hoping you would."
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1748 18 May 2013 at 7.50pm    Login    Register
I got to the off-licence at five past ten last night.

'Sorry, we're closed,' the owner said.

'Oh, for ****'s sake!' I shouted.

He said, 'Calm down mate. Think, what would Jesus do?'

I replied, 'Bearing in mind that he could turn water into wine, I doubt this would really be much of a setback for that ****.'
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1747 18 May 2013 at 7.50pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1744
carpy09
Posts: 13753
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1746 18 May 2013 at 7.17pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1745
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1745 18 May 2013 at 7.13pm    Login    Register
The wife's just finished trimming her pubes.Her fanny looks a lot neater now but she's completely ****** my flymo.
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1744 18 May 2013 at 7.10pm    Login    Register
Ariel Castro ******* legend! Holds three woman captive for 10 years and neighbours don't hear a thing.

I can't keep mine quiet for 10 ******* minutes
catfish1
Posts: 1629
catfish1
   Old Thread  #1743 18 May 2013 at 7.07pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1740
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1742 18 May 2013 at 5.27pm    Login    Register
A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a pr1ck in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1741 18 May 2013 at 5.24pm    Login    Register
My daughter's lisp really winds me up.

Thought we were going to watch the Eurovision Thong Contest.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1740 18 May 2013 at 5.23pm    Login    Register
"You know something love.." I said to the wife, "I'm that ****ing bored, I'm even thinking of decorating this living room."

"Well what about THIS for an idea?" She replied, ripping off her knickers and throwing them over the back of the sofa.

"That seems like an excellent idea." I told her.

"It'll stop me getting paint on the cushions."
carpy09
Posts: 13753
carpy09
   Old Thread  #1739 18 May 2013 at 10.32am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1730
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #1738 18 May 2013 at 10.25am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1737
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