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paddy pulls up at the traffic lights and a really fit bird pulls up next to him
paddy smiles at her and winds his window down
she smiles back at paddy and winds her window down
paddy says to her ," have you farted aswell"
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I went into my local pharmacy for some condoms. It's run by my mate's mum, who's a snotty cow.
"Can I have two dozen condoms please, Miss?" I said with my best smile.
"Don't 'Miss' me, young Dave Wheeler!" she replied sternly.
"Ooooh, OK!" I told her. "Better make it 25 then."
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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, man, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle like."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Geordie said "Just the one, Gaffa."
The manager groaned ..."Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?â
"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a booat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the new 4 x 4 Mitsubishi Shogun".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of Tampax for his missus like and I said ''Well, since ya weekend's buggered, ya might as well be gan fishin..."""
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Jimmy puts his hand up. "Miss," he says. "Would you do anal?"
"I beg your pardon?" says his teacher.
"I mean, would you take it up the arse miss?"
His teacher explodes. "You just stay behind after school and see me, young man!"
"Good," beams Jimmy. "I was hoping you would."
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I got to the off-licence at five past ten last night.
'Sorry, we're closed,' the owner said.
'Oh, for ****'s sake!' I shouted.
He said, 'Calm down mate. Think, what would Jesus do?'
I replied, 'Bearing in mind that he could turn water into wine, I doubt this would really be much of a setback for that ****.'
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In reply to Post #1744
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In reply to Post #1745
 
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The wife's just finished trimming her pubes.Her fanny looks a lot neater now but she's completely ****** my flymo.
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Ariel Castro ******* legend! Holds three woman captive for 10 years and neighbours don't hear a thing.
I can't keep mine quiet for 10 ******* minutes
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In reply to Post #1740
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A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a pr1ck in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
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My daughter's lisp really winds me up.
Thought we were going to watch the Eurovision Thong Contest.
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"You know something love.." I said to the wife, "I'm that ****ing bored, I'm even thinking of decorating this living room."
"Well what about THIS for an idea?" She replied, ripping off her knickers and throwing them over the back of the sofa.
"That seems like an excellent idea." I told her.
"It'll stop me getting paint on the cushions."
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In reply to Post #1730
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In reply to Post #1737
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NON Carp stuff