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CarpyPat
Posts: 7352
CarpyPat
   Old Thread  #1 27 Feb 2012 at 3.19pm    Login    Register
We have removed the last Joke thread due to the content i.e. Racist and offensive jokes/comments.

Please do not post any jokes or comments that are racist or that are likely to cause offense.

Anyone posting racist or highly offensive 'jokes/comments' will be banned from the forum.
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2753 20 Jun 2023 at 5.38am    Login    Register
Some good uns there
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2752 19 Jun 2023 at 9.34pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Ive just recently spent my entire life savings on a gender reassignment operation"………………now I haven’t got a sausage
harveyboy
Posts: 1389
   Old Thread  #2751 7 Jan 2023 at 6.41pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2750
Love it lol
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2750 7 Jan 2023 at 6.27pm    Login    Register
I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up;
she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2749 4 Jan 2023 at 8.49pm    Login    Register
I asked a hundred young housewives,
"What's your favourite shower gel?"

the top answer was,,

WTF are you doing in my shower?
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2748 4 Jan 2023 at 8.44pm    Login    Register
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and his blonde wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time."
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2747 4 Jan 2023 at 8.29pm    Login    Register
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2746 29 Dec 2022 at 5.08pm    Login    Register
I got a phone call from the school today to inform me my boy was being expelled,
"why" I asked?
"he's been playing doctors and nurses with a girl", the headmaster replied.
I said,"but all kids do that, it's no reason for expulsion".
"he's removed her bloody appendix"
Oh!
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2745 28 Dec 2022 at 5.48pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2744
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2744 20 Dec 2022 at 11.48pm    Login    Register
2 carp anglers called Dave and Stuart, are seated either side of a table in a

pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a ****er......
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2743 11 Dec 2022 at 9.55am    Login    Register
A woman knocked on the door today, She said she was collecting for a local swimming pool and would I like to contribute, so I gave her a bucket of water.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2742 12 Sept 2022 at 10.34pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2741
sign in a shop window

"We sell everything"
Paddy goes in and asks for a chicken jumper,
salesman says I'll go out the back and check,
comes back a few minutes later with a brown
paper bag, gives it to Paddy and says that will
be £6, Paddy pays and goes out, he stops
and looks into the bag, there is a condom and
nothing else, Paddy storms back into the shop
and says I asked for a chicken jumper, salesman
says sorry sir we are out of them, the closest
we have is a pullover for a cock.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2741 2 Sept 2022 at 11.14am    Login    Register
Dave and Carol came round for an evening of poker,
all was going well till I dropped a card, I went under
the table to pick it up and noticed Carol came commando
(no drawers), after a while we decided to have a break, I
went in to the kitchen followed by Carol, she said did you
see anything you liked under the table, yes I said, she said
you can have it for £50, I agreed and she said come round
Friday afternoon thats when Dave plays golf, Friday came,
she got Rogered I paid and left, Dave came home and asked
did Jim come round this afternoon, she sheepishly said yes,
and did he give you £50, she nodded, oh thats good, he came
by the club this morning to borrow £50 and he would pay it
back today.

Now that's a poker plater.
oldgeezer
Posts: 26814
oldgeezer
aka Mr Linky Poo
   Old Thread  #2740 26 Aug 2022 at 11.24pm    Login    Register
Cucumber`s are great for your memory 40 years ago someone shoved one up my m8s bum and he still remembers it
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2739 11 Aug 2022 at 11.23pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2738
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2738 11 Aug 2022 at 9.09pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2737


True story, once went into Pulse and Cocktails, some weird goings on in the mega store

After laughing at all the outfits, rubber fists, arms and what have you , the one that made me chuckle the most was a brown arse with an hole and two handles on the side, bit like a dinner tray, WTF

Imagine the wife catching you with that under the bed, all of a sudden the dildo looks like a teaspoon
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2737 11 Aug 2022 at 6.59pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2736
Heres 1 for ya Scozza, you can relate to this.

When a girl buys a Vibrator, it's cool, but when a guy buys that FcukMaster 5000 Pro Latex blow up doll, with the 6 spend pulsating self lubricating pussy with the non-drip collection nut tray with optional built in realistic orgasm 7.1 surround sound system, he's a perv, Just don't make sense to me.
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2736 10 Aug 2022 at 10.27am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2735


You be careful Jim having a sense of humour these days
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2735 9 Aug 2022 at 11.09pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2733
Crackers, yeah, thats me, hope your keeping well
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2734 9 Aug 2022 at 11.06pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2733
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, mounted the pavement wiped out 2 fences and a shed, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby buggy. For a second everything went quiet, then the passenger said,
fcuk me your touchy I only tapped you on the shoulder to ask you something,
The driver said today is my first day as a cabbie I've been driving a hearse for the last 12 years.
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2733 30 Jul 2022 at 7.32pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2732
Crackers Jim
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2732 30 Jul 2022 at 1.10pm    Login    Register
Dear Marge
Yesterday my boyfriend said anal sex could relieve
constipation, I wasn't sure about that but after a long
chat I agreed to give it a go, so, we got down to it, he
shoved his spam ram into the chocolate box and
banged away for what felt like eternity, then he shot
his muck and pulled out, glad that was over, he phoned
me this morning to say it didn't work and he wants to
do it again, what should I do.

Sue Brown, West Yorkshire.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2731 27 Jul 2022 at 9.00pm    Login    Register
The village doctor was about to retire and
a much younger doc came to take over, old
doc said come with me on my rounds and
meet some of the patients, in the 1st cottage
the woman complained about stomach pains,
old doc said try to eat less fruit then they left,
young doc said "you didn't examine her" how
did you reach that conclusion, old doc said
when I dropped my pen I saw a lot of banana
skins in the bin, in the next cottage the woman
said she was tired all the time, the young doc said
take it easy, do less for the church, when they
got out side old doc said I know that lady very
well and she is a church warden, but how did
you reach your decision, young doc said when
I dropped my pen I saw the vicar under the bed.
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2730 20 May 2022 at 8.01am    Login    Register
Two Jewish friends, Cohen and Zachary were chatting and suddenly Cohen blurted out, " I've got something important to tell you, I've just won the lottery and scooped 10 million pounds." "That's wonderful news", said Zach but being a more practical man said, "Yes but what about the begging letters?" Cohen though about it for a moment and replied "Oh yes, I'll still keep on sending those!"
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2729 19 May 2022 at 4.05pm  1  Login    Register
I went to a seminar recently, and the speaker asked me to name something I was not very good with starting with the letter N.

Spelling I replied
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2728 18 May 2022 at 9.14pm  1  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2727
better safe than sorry, don't want to get "Banged" up, if you know what I mean.
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2727 18 May 2022 at 9.12pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2726
I saw the funny side, I guess others wouldn’t
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2726 18 May 2022 at 9.06pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2724
not in good taste.
I will remove.
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2725 18 May 2022 at 8.46pm  1  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2723


Crackers Jim, nice to see somebody with a sense of humour, jokes seem to be a thing of the past sadly

scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2724 18 May 2022 at 8.45pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2722
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2723 18 May 2022 at 8.00pm    Login    Register
2 guys in court for dealing drugs for the 1st time, judge says
I'll give you a chance to prove you will not do it again, go out
this weekend and see how many people you can get to stop
taking drugs and I will see you both back here on Monday,
back in court the judge asks the 1st guy what kind of weekend
did you have, he said pretty good I got 17 to stop
taking drugs, judge says thats good how did you do that,
I drew 2 circles 1 small and 1 big, I told them that when you start
taking drugs your brain is the big one and after tacking drugs your
brain is the small one, well done says the judge, then asks the 2nd guy
how about you, he said I got 138 to stop, judge says wow what did
you do, I did the same with 2 circles and told them the small one
is your ass when you go to prison and.....
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2722 21 Apr 2022 at 10.13am    Login    Register
A woman stopped me in the street and asked
"do you want to buy a ticket for the police mans ball"
I said sorry luv I don't dance, she said "its a raffle".
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2721 16 Apr 2022 at 1.41pm    Login    Register
A boy asks his dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

dad says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pound. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pound. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The boy asks his mother. “Mum, if someone gave you a million pound, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”

He then asks his sister, if someone gave you a million pound, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

She replies, Definitely!

The boy goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve worked it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million pound, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2720 15 Apr 2022 at 9.53pm    Login    Register
Was in B&Q earlier on today, and some c*nt in an orange apron asked if i wanted decking…..luckily enough i got the first few punches in
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2719 15 Apr 2022 at 9.51pm    Login    Register
I was walking the dog today, around a nice country village, and noticed a beautiful cottage with a for sale sign in the garden…… as I was admiring the cottage the current owner came out, and i asked if i could look round……

He replied you look round enough to me you fat tw@t
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2718 15 Apr 2022 at 5.39pm  1  Login    Register
I kid asks his mum and dad why they decided to name his sister Teresa. "We'll", replied his dad, "both me and your mother both really love easter and teresa is an anagram of easter". "Anyway, whats with all the questions Alan?"
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2717 22 Mar 2022 at 7.21am  1  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2716
Crackers
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2716 21 Mar 2022 at 9.43pm    Login    Register
A guy goes to India for a penis transplant, it was
recommended that he has the baby elephant trunk,
a few weeks later he was in a restaurant with
his new girlfriend, he feels a happy movement in his
under crackers, YES, he thinks tonight could be
the night, then all of a sudden his Hampton burst
out of his pants shoots up onto the table takes an
apple and goes back down, WOW says the girl,
can you do that again, yes he says my old chap
can but my arse cant take another apple.
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2715 15 Mar 2022 at 6.06pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2714


I know some people are very worried about the rising cost of petrol, but it doesn't bother me too much as I always just put £30 in ...
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2714 14 Mar 2022 at 9.07pm    Login    Register
Ive just seen on Sky Sports that Everton cannot sell any tickets whatsoever this season….




They havent been sanctioned, they just cant sell any tickets
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2713 13 Mar 2022 at 3.19pm    Login    Register
Today I thought I'd go for a game of golf at my local golf club, and a woman playing golf hits me near by
She rushes over to me and I am rolling on the the ground, screaming!! In pain with my hands between my legs.
She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve my pain. Since she is a doctor, I agreed, She gently moves my hands to my side, and unzips my zipper and puts her hands inside, She massages me tenderly for a few minutes and asks: "How does it feel?"
I replied: "It feels great! but I still think my thumb is broken".
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2712 28 Feb 2022 at 12.35pm    Login    Register
Janet Street Porter goes into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif". The barman says, "I'd seriously doubt it luv!".
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2711 21 Feb 2022 at 5.22pm    Login    Register
Boy
Mum, is it bad to have a penis?

Mum
No it isn't, why do you ask.

Boy
Dad's upstairs trying to pull his off.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2710 20 Feb 2022 at 11.55pm    Login    Register
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss

The Responce:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured

and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective

clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area

before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2709 20 Feb 2022 at 6.09pm    Login    Register
After the recent murders of Tony the Tiger, the Honey Monster and the Coco Pop Chimp, police believe that they are looking for a cereal killer!
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2708 19 Feb 2022 at 8.30am    Login    Register
I went fishing with Gazza. He gave me a chocolate bar and I ate it. "Oh Gazza", I said, "this taste of coconut". "Oh aye, it's bounty", he replied.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2707 12 Feb 2022 at 1.57pm    Login    Register
A young guy starts work in a super store, manager says I'll serve a couple of customers so you get the idea on what to do, he asks a lady "can I help you" she wants a hose pipe, we have 10, 20, or a 30ft, she takes the 30, he says can I interest you in a lawn mower, "why" she asks, your going to water the lawn why not cut it, ok she buys a lawn mower.
He asks a guy the same question, he wants fertiliser, we have 5, 10, or 20KG bags, he buys the 10, when asked about the lawn mower he agrees with the reason and buys one.
Its now the youngsters turn, he asks a woman can I help you, she wants some tampons, he says we have 5, 10 or a 15 pack which one would you like, she takes the 15 pack, the youngster then asks would you like a lawn mower, she says why the hell would I want a lawn mower, he replies well, your weekend is f***** you may as well cut the grass.
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2706 12 Feb 2022 at 8.09am    Login    Register
Some Johovah Witnesses knocked on Paddy's door. He said he didn't know there was an accident!

Did you hear about the Jewish Detective who had a tip-off?

I once took my car to a Jewish garage to have it Simonized. When I picked it up a few hours later I found out they had chopped 3 inches off the exhaust pipe!

A dyslexic bloke was wondered around the piste not knowing what to do. He went up to a bloke and said, "I'm confused, am I supposed to zig-zag or is it zag-zig?" "Don't ask me", replied the bloke, "I'm a tobogganist". "Oh, I'll have 20 Benson and Hedges please", he replied.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2705 5 Feb 2022 at 5.50pm    Login    Register
A woman go's into a bar, throws her arm in the air showing very hairy armpits and shouts "who will buy a lady a drink", you could hear a pin drop, the drunk at the other end of the bar shouts "give the ballerina a drink", a while later she does the same again, throws her arm in the air and shouts "who will buy a lady a drink", the drunk calls the barman and says give the ballerina a drink, barman whispers to the drunk its your money and your choice but why do you call her a ballerina? drunk replies any woman that throw her legs that high must be a ballerina.
oldgeezer
Posts: 26814
oldgeezer
aka Mr Linky Poo
   Old Thread  #2704 4 Feb 2022 at 8.31pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2703
3 bloke talking one said the fastest thing must be electricity because you switch the light switch and the light comes on straight away
2nd one says no its got to be sound thats the fastest you open your mouth say something and the sound is instant

the 3rd man say nope your both wrong its got to be Diarrhea thats the fastest
the other 2 laughed and said how do you explain that ?

well last night I woke up in the night with Diarrhea and before I could turn the light on or shout I had **** myself
oldgeezer
Posts: 26814
oldgeezer
aka Mr Linky Poo
   Old Thread  #2703 4 Feb 2022 at 8.24pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2702
Keir Starmer
KenTownley
Posts: 30589
KenTownley
   Old Thread  #2702 3 Feb 2022 at 4.49pm  1  Login    Register
Boris Johnson...
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2701 2 Feb 2022 at 11.36pm    Login    Register
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out, then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no ******* bike!"...
Zulul
Posts: 9
Zulul
   Old Thread  #2700 28 Dec 2021 at 1.24pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2699 17 Nov 2021 at 7.36pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2698
Bloke goes to the sperm bank with his wife, they are trying for kids and he can’t get her pregnant. He decides to go for some tests.

Doctor comes over “if you would like to go in the cubicle over there and get me a sample in this bottle we will get It analysed. There are some magazines on the side if you need them”

His wife and the doctor are waiting outside. After 10 minutes of banging and clattering and all kinds of moaning noises his wife knocks on the door “have you done it yet?

“No”he replies “go away and keep quite, I am trying to concentrate”

After another 5 minutes the doctor knocks on the door, “are you alright in there?

Go away he says, I am trying my best, they stood waiting...

After another 5 minutes the door finally flys open and he staggers out of the cubicle dripping in sweat.“Well doctor, i can’t believe this, I’ve had it in my left hand, I’ve had it in my right hand, I have even had it in my mouth, I also trapped it in the gap of the door and I still can’t get the lid off this ****ing bottle
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2698 19 Sept 2021 at 6.20pm    Login    Register
In Ireland, a young kid sits sobbing his heart out on his doorstep. A man walks past as says "What's the matter child?" "It's me mam", the kid wails "She's just died." "Sweet mother of Jesus, that is bad news" replied the man, "Shall I call a priest?" "No, it's alright" replied the kid, "I'm pretty upset as it is and don't want a sore bum as well!"
WaltG
Posts: 22
WaltG
   Old Thread  #2697 12 Aug 2021 at 1.12pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2683
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall - “Dam!”
WaltG
Posts: 22
WaltG
   Old Thread  #2696 12 Aug 2021 at 1.11pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2
What’s a fish’s favorite musical instrument? - A bass drum.
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2695 8 Jul 2021 at 6.09pm    Login    Register
Oxford University commissioned a study to understand why the penis has a bulbous tip. After several years research and many millions of pounds spent, they concluded it was to heighten the sexual pleasure gained by the male.

Not to feel left out, Cambridge University also commissioned a study and after several years and many millions of pounds spent, they concluded it was to heighten the pleasure gained by the female.

The Jocks felt they had to chip in their two pennyworth and commissioned Glasgow University to conduct a study. After several years and many millions of pounds spent, they concluded it was to stop the male from smashing into his forehead!
harveyboy
Posts: 1389
   Old Thread  #2694 5 May 2021 at 5.55pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2693
Love it, although I admit had to think about it a few moments
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2693 2 May 2021 at 7.43am    Login    Register
A women has been married for a few years and visits her mother. During the conversation, she mentioned that there had been some problems "in the bedroom." "I've been married to your father for 30 years and so nothing nothing you say can shock me." she said. "Well" replied the daughter, "he wants to stick it in my other other hole." "That's disgusting" boomed the mother, "I hope you refused." "Oh, of course I did" replied the daughter, "I don't want a houseful of bloody kids!"
Mr-Bean-Laden
Posts: 2194
Mr-Bean-Laden
   Old Thread  #2692 24 Feb 2021 at 1.09pm    Login    Register
Not the best of drives from Tiger Woods, straight in the rough
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2691 9 Feb 2021 at 8.20am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2690
Or watch this one. An American women is terrified after the Trump election debacle and screams into her phone, priceless!

Heavy Metal Karen
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2690 8 Feb 2021 at 4.32pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2689
I've seen a few of his videos. Bloody brilliant. You should check out the one with the angry shoppers...

Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2689 8 Feb 2021 at 7.25am    Login    Register
Watch this, the funniest thing I've ever seen on YouTube. Two religious nutcases handing down their judgement on Covid 19, while a bloke accompanies it with a heavy metal overlay.

Absolute nutters!
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2688 5 Feb 2021 at 3.10pm    Login    Register
Oops, wrong thread.
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2687 26 Jan 2021 at 7.06pm    Login    Register
I had a gay mate who played football in a "pink" league. He was a big Wolverhampton Wanders fan and had their initials tattooed on his buttocks. Every time he dropped the soap in the shower and went to pick it up, all his mates said "WoW!"
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2686 18 Jan 2021 at 11.45pm    Login    Register
in reply to # 2682

scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2685 17 Jan 2021 at 8.01am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2683
Crackers
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2684 17 Jan 2021 at 7.39am    Login    Register
My mate just rang me and he has unfortunately caught Covid 19 from his cat....dont ask meow
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2683 16 Jan 2021 at 4.54pm    Login    Register
A vicar happened to chance upon a young girl walking her dog. "Hello little girl, what's your name?" he enquired. "Rosemary", she replied. "My mummy was going to call me Mary but whilst lying in the garden, a rose petal fell on her tummy with me inside and so she called me Rosemary". "Oh, that's lovely" said the vicar. "And what's your doggies name?" "Porky", she replied. "It's that because he's a little bit fat?" asked the vicar. "No", she replied, "it's because he f*cks pigs!"
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2682 14 Jan 2021 at 6.33pm    Login    Register
A man with no legs was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

Three women, from England , Wales and Scotland were walking past
and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said “Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said “No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, “No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said,

“'Ave ya ever been f*cked, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, “No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2681 25 Dec 2020 at 9.53am    Login    Register
Watched a Bollywood porn movie last night, Come Dan Singh.
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2680 22 Dec 2020 at 12.13pm    Login    Register
An Indian man has being arrested for assaulting his wife.
Chindda Gudandproppa denies all charges.
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2679 6 Dec 2020 at 10.29am    Login    Register
Few days ago I was diagnosed as being colour blind. Didn’t see that coming, came right out of the purple.
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2678 14 Nov 2020 at 10.22am    Login    Register
A homo sexual visited the Doctors and said, "I've been a bit promiscuous recently and I've got a sore bum, can you give me anything for it?" The Doctor wrote out a note and handed it to him. As he was walking out the door, the bloke said, "'Ere what's this? Ten pints of lager, vindaloo curry washed down with liver salts. Will that cure it?" "Probably not" replied the Doctor, "but at least it should remind you what your arse should be used for!"
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2677 11 Nov 2020 at 8.22am    Login    Register
I was sat in with the careers teacher at school with my parents. "Your son shows no aptitude for his lessons, is constantly late, rude to his teachers and shows no empathy for his fellow pupils" was his assessment of my performance. "As far as jobs go, his career path will be severely limited". "Perhaps he could be a lavatory cleaner?" chipped in my Dad. "Or he could always works on the bins" my Mum said hopefully. "No, I don't think he would suitable" was my teachers honest but brutal reply. "There must be something he could do?" pleaded my father. The teacher sighed and said, "I'm afraid the only option for him is to be a controller at First Bus".
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2676 10 Nov 2020 at 8.55pm    Login    Register

Wife “will you stop playing with yourself”

Husband “ but the. Doctor said i can touch myself whenever i want”

Wife “NO he never, he said “you may have a stroke at anytime”
jeffire
Posts: 3899
jeffire
   Old Thread  #2675 9 Nov 2020 at 9.35pm    Login    Register
10 years ago today my mate came running in the bar tears streaming down his face shouting" Its a boy " "Its a boy "

We have never been to thailand since .😀
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2674 6 Nov 2020 at 10.42pm    Login    Register
I got a job at the local pasta factory but only lasted a few days due to me making a fusilli mistakes.
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2673 6 Nov 2020 at 10.40pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2672
spanker
Posts: 1446
spanker
   Old Thread  #2672 6 Nov 2020 at 8.19pm    Login    Register
Why can't Trump enter the Whitehouse soon ,

Because it's forbiden
spanker
Posts: 1446
spanker
   Old Thread  #2671 5 Nov 2020 at 5.54pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
spanker
Posts: 1446
spanker
   Old Thread  #2670 5 Nov 2020 at 5.54pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
My therapist told me to write letters to the people i hate then burn them , so , i'm just wondering what to do with the letters now !
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2669 27 Oct 2020 at 5.19pm    Login    Register
Just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam program I have ever seen
spanker
Posts: 1446
spanker
   Old Thread  #2668 26 Oct 2020 at 6.05pm    Login    Register

link.

Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2667 6 Oct 2020 at 10.53am    Login    Register
What do you say to a Country and Western singer?

"Sorry to hear your girlfriend left you, your truck broke down and your dog died!"
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2666 26 Sept 2020 at 5.06pm    Login    Register
The barmen says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve time travelers in here".






A time traveler walks into a pub........
harveyboy
Posts: 1389
   Old Thread  #2665 25 Sept 2020 at 9.54pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2664
I bought a dozen bees from a bee keeper,when I checked i realised he had made a mistake and gave me 13,nice chap said keep it its a free bee.
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2664 22 Sept 2020 at 11.15pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2663
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2663 22 Sept 2020 at 8.19pm    Login    Register
Met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area the other day.

He had a Wigan address.
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2662 27 Aug 2020 at 4.49pm    Login    Register
https://youtu.be/QMKWmmU63aU

Watch from just before 2 mins
stymie
Posts: 802
stymie
   Old Thread  #2661 22 Aug 2020 at 2.50pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2660
That was brilliant 🤣
Tinhead
Posts: 16257
Tinhead
   Old Thread  #2660 14 Aug 2020 at 11.32am    Login    Register
Not a joke as such but very funny
LINK
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2659 29 Jul 2020 at 9.51pm    Login    Register
What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce and a tomato?.

Chicken Caesar salad.

SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2658 5 Apr 2020 at 0.20am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2657
stusid
Posts: 724
stusid
   Old Thread  #2657 22 Mar 2020 at 7.06pm    Login    Register
Deliveroo are changing their name
To Deliver flu...
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2656 24 Feb 2020 at 1.07am    Login    Register
What do you call a constipated detective?

....

....

No sh*t sherlock

Theblankfather
Posts: 1403
   Old Thread  #2655 29 Jan 2020 at 11.05pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2644
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2654 18 Jan 2020 at 9.22pm    Login    Register
Took the wife out for a romantic dinner tonight. We played footsie under the table. I had lasagna, she got toad in the hole
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2653 4 Dec 2019 at 11.19pm    Login    Register
me and the wife sat down for dinner, she nearly choked to death when I told her I put ginger in the curry, Christ.....she loves that cat.
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2652 2 Dec 2019 at 11.13pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2651
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2651 2 Dec 2019 at 2.49pm    Login    Register
Paddy goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pains, doc checks him out and says well I can't find anything wrong, must be the drink, Paddy says ok doc I'll come back when your sober.
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2650 1 Dec 2019 at 10.00pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2649
Gutted as my beloved pet mouse named Elvis died recently due to getting caught in a trap.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2649 20 Oct 2019 at 1.15pm    Login    Register
Paddy says to Mick I've just found a pen, is it yours? Mick replies give it here, then writes on a scrap of paper, yes says Mick, it is mine, Paddy says how can you be so sure, Mick says its MY hand writing.
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2648 15 Oct 2019 at 11.37pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2646
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2647 15 Oct 2019 at 10.36pm    Login    Register
To the person who stole my glasses....

I will find you....




I have contacts
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2646 6 Oct 2019 at 12.29pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2644


Brilliant
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2645 6 Oct 2019 at 12.16pm    Login    Register
A guy was going into the mental home, he stopped and asked the doctor "how do you judge wether a patient is sane or not" the doc replied "we fill a bath with water and put a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket next to it and ask the patient to empty the bath", ah, I get it, the normal person will choose the bucket, the doc said "no, the normal person will pull the plug, would you like a bed near the window.
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2644 23 Sept 2019 at 2.39pm    Login    Register
The lad asked me if I’d bring him 6 cans of sprite over and when i was almost there I realised I’d picked 7 up.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2643 23 Sept 2019 at 2.20pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2639
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2642 8 Sept 2019 at 6.25pm    Login    Register
A guy goe's to the doctor's complaining about a little bump in the middle of his forehead, Doc say's have you been attacked or had an accident? no replies the guy, doc ask's doe's it hurt?, no, Doc gave him some cream and said if it dosn't go down in a week come back, a week passes and the guy goe's back, look doc it's getting bigger, Mmmm says the doc, its beginning to stick out more, doc says keep applying the cream and I will make some enquiries, another week passes, the guy is back to see the doc, now the bump resembles a sausage, doc says it looks like a very rare complaint called Penisitis which means it will grow to the size of your penis, FFS said the guy, are you telling me every time I have a shave and look in the mirror I'm going to see this cock on my forehead, No said the doc your nuts will be covering your eye's you won't see a thing.
Golden-Paws
Posts: 231
Golden-Paws
   Old Thread  #2641 8 Aug 2019 at 6.49am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2640
I've just finished reading Victoria Beckham's autobiography. It tells about why she denied having a boob job, the real truth about herself and the things most precious in her life. It's called "The Liar, the Witch and the Wardrobe!"
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2640 30 Jul 2019 at 3.25pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2638
talking about Viagra, my granddad went to the chemist and asked for half a dose of Viagra, the guy behind the counter said sorry we don't sell half measures but why do you only want half? granddad said I don't want a full blown stiffy just enough to stop me p1ssing on my slippers.
oldgeezer
Posts: 26814
oldgeezer
aka Mr Linky Poo
   Old Thread  #2639 14 Jul 2019 at 6.59pm    Login    Register
Its been a funny old day today

it started off really well when I found a hat full of money !!
but then I got chased by a loony man with a guitar ?
TrickyD
Posts: 31
   Old Thread  #2638 10 Jul 2019 at 6.01pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2637
Viagra is just a trade name, now the license has expired you can buy the generic drug Mycoxafloppin.
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2637 12 Jun 2019 at 9.42pm    Login    Register
I was watching the viagra connect advert earlier, 4.3 million men in the U.K. experience erectile problems?

Looking at 20 million of the fat arsed ugly woman in the UK I can understand why
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2636 31 Mar 2019 at 8.36pm    Login    Register
The Mrs asked ‘what do i excel in’, wasn’t too impressed when I told her ‘underwear’.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2635 16 Mar 2019 at 12.47pm    Login    Register
Angie: Hey Sharon, I don’t feel well, I have a very sore throat.

Sharon: ooo that’s bad, when I have a sore throat I give me old man a blow job and the next day there’s a big improvement, try that, it can’t do any harm.

2 days later

Angie: Hey Sharon, I did wot you said and it doe’s work but your old man didn’t believe it was your idea.
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2634 2 Mar 2019 at 9.29pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2633
Stevewils
Posts: 47
   Old Thread  #2633 1 Mar 2019 at 9.03pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Paddy:why do scuba divers always fall backwards from the boat Murphy :cos if they fall forward they would still be in the boat
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2632 10 Feb 2019 at 9.59am    Login    Register
Just been recommended the Adam Ant diet.....







































‘Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever’.
PPPIKER
Posts: 540
PPPIKER
   Old Thread  #2631 8 Feb 2019 at 3.12pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2630
People are always asking what will you be doing next year....


How do I know it’s not as if I have 2020 vision
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2630 30 Jan 2019 at 1.53pm    Login    Register
Special thanks to my neighbour who lent me some sheeting to put on the windscreen during this freezing weather.














































Ta Pauline.
Palpatine
Posts: 31
   Old Thread  #2629 1 Jan 2019 at 9.48am    Login    Register
What do you call a french man wearing open toe shoes?

Felipe Falope!

Happy Brexit, whoops....Happy New Year!
AndyJB
Posts: 34
   Old Thread  #2628 26 Dec 2018 at 11.49pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2627
What is a chickens favourite footwear?

Reebok, bok, bok, bokarrr
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2627 25 Dec 2018 at 0.12am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2626
Indeed you do.

Happy Xmas mate.
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2626 24 Dec 2018 at 7.21pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2625
You have to laugh, all in a night out

tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2625 24 Dec 2018 at 7.16pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2624


What a lad.

My mate took the bus from the bus station, dropped the lads off at twigg street and as they were getting off asked them for the fare.,...

scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2624 24 Dec 2018 at 5.56pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2623
No, different initials. Quite a few years ago now. Its the same lad who drive a JCB on a night out through a supermarket window of a “southern holiday” resort. Quite a character, got sent down
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2623 24 Dec 2018 at 4.55pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2622
Stranglely enough my mate did the same....

Not the same mate is it, couldn’t be, surely?.

Initials of my mate who did that........C.B
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2622 24 Dec 2018 at 10.39am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2619
Good un that

Reminds me of a lad I know who once pinched a coach and did the same, took all his mates home
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2621 23 Dec 2018 at 7.21pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2619
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2620 23 Dec 2018 at 7.21pm    Login    Register
Skeleton goes into a bar, orders a pint of lager and a mop.
PPPIKER
Posts: 540
PPPIKER
   Old Thread  #2619 19 Dec 2018 at 8.36am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2618
A warning to all be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto the shots Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my van at the pub and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2618 18 Dec 2018 at 6.46pm    Login    Register
Went to the doctors the other day , he told me to take up a hobby that gets me out of the pub ,
So I started smoking again
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2617 12 Dec 2018 at 8.39pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2615
10 Pinter that

What’s the most popular owl in the world?

Tea towel


Why do they call pirates, pirates?

Cause they Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2616 1 Dec 2018 at 9.29pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2615
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2615 1 Dec 2018 at 9.11pm    Login    Register
My son said to me ‘what rhymes with orange’. I said ‘it doesn’t’.
PPPIKER
Posts: 540
PPPIKER
   Old Thread  #2614 24 Nov 2018 at 5.41pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2613

Tampax have announced that they are to replace the string with tinsel, but only for the Christmas period.
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2613 19 Nov 2018 at 5.15pm    Login    Register
Was late the other day on my way to work. Got stuck behind a tractor as the driver was shouting ‘the end of the world is coming, the end of the world is coming, the end of the world is nigh’. I think it was farmer Geddon.
PPPIKER
Posts: 540
PPPIKER
   Old Thread  #2612 22 Oct 2018 at 7.39pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2611
Son- Dad why is my sister called Teresa
Dad- Because you’re mum loves Easter - it’s an anagram
Son- Thanks Dad
Dad- No problem Alan
🥊🥊
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2611 10 Oct 2018 at 10.31pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2610


I’m here all week...
Theblankfather
Posts: 1403
   Old Thread  #2610 9 Oct 2018 at 10.27pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2609
Now that's better .
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2609 9 Oct 2018 at 8.51am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2608
The letter ‘u’ would appropriately fit in there somewhere.
Theblankfather
Posts: 1403
   Old Thread  #2608 1 Oct 2018 at 11.52pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2607
Hmmm
tazi
Posts: 4648
tazi
   Old Thread  #2607 23 Sept 2018 at 10.23pm    Login    Register
What goes in and out and stinks of p155?.















Your grandparents doing the Hokey Cokey.
Theblankfather
Posts: 1403
   Old Thread  #2606 23 Sept 2018 at 11.19am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2605
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2605 29 Aug 2018 at 9.44pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2604
, i went into the jewellers today and said to the fella , " I've come to buy a watch " , he said analogue , I said no , just the watch
stymie
Posts: 802
stymie
   Old Thread  #2604 29 Aug 2018 at 6.05pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2603
That's a bit insensitive, I had to put my dog down today.














Weighed a bloody ton.
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2603 27 Aug 2018 at 6.35am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2602
I went to the dentist today he said say aahhhh , I said why , he said coz my dog died
Bacardiblue
Posts: 1615
Bacardiblue
   Old Thread  #2602 26 Aug 2018 at 1.14pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2601
Hold up... Black footballers staying away from football grounds because of racism!
What feck is west hams excuse then cause they have not turned up this season🤣
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2601 14 Aug 2018 at 10.07pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2600
You're a wrong 'un ralphy
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2600 14 Aug 2018 at 8.47pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2599
Sorry mate , never saw them , thought you was on about carpypats post from 6years ago 😂
Anyway , what do you call a black man ...............😂




mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2599 14 Aug 2018 at 8.33pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2598
Peace and love man....
Tinhead
Posts: 16257
Tinhead
   Old Thread  #2598 14 Aug 2018 at 8.14pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2597
Stop being so PC and get you hair cut.
Bloody hippies
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2597 14 Aug 2018 at 7.36pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2596
Alright ralphy.

There was a load of posts about offensive jokes and I was putting my pov across.

But... now they've all gone!

Maybe I'm losing my marbles in my old age!

ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2596 14 Aug 2018 at 5.13pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2595
Wtf are you on about malster ?
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2595 14 Aug 2018 at 11.11am    Login    Register
Have to say that the mods got it right.

The argument that if people are offended then they shouldn't read the thread just doesn't wash (sorry ralphy). Should black footballers who are offended by racist chants be told they should avoid football grounds? Of course not. If your sister complains some prat felt her bum in a club would you say she shouldn't go clubbing?

It's a public forum and the mods need to regulate accordingly.

If that means you are going to sulk and not post then maybe bit says more about what you find funny than what others find offensive.

Keep the thread going. I often have a good laugh reading it. It's almost as funny as some of magoos posts on the footy thread
daveman
Posts: 2371
daveman
   Old Thread  #2594 7 Aug 2018 at 9.31am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2593
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
daveman
Posts: 2371
daveman
   Old Thread  #2593 6 Aug 2018 at 10.01pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2548
To the thief that stole my antidepressants,
I hope you're happy now.
Paulepsom
Posts: 109
   Old Thread  #2592 21 Jun 2018 at 6.44pm    Login    Register
Q. What's the difference between football and Tommy Robinson ?
A. Footballs coming home
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2591 12 Jun 2018 at 10.35pm    Login    Register
IMG 0976
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2590 15 Apr 2018 at 3.42am    Login    Register
*****s are like ****ing kebabs , you only wanna eat one when you're ****ing piss3d
Smufter
Posts: 3631
Smufter
   Old Thread  #2589 22 Mar 2018 at 7.52am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2587
Mate of mine has just got a job at a funeral directors.
He ran up to the owner and said "Hey Boss, that little old lady over there has got a prawn sticking out from between her legs".
The boss went to have a look and said "You stupid sod, that's her clitoris".
"Well it tasted like a prawn" he said.

luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2588 15 Mar 2018 at 5.43pm    Login    Register
The old Guy went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the toilet during the night, then said: I must be blessed, God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm finished", later that day, the doc called the old guys wife and said: "his test results were fine, but he claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the toilet at night,”
wife said “the silly old sod, he’s been peeing in the fridge again”.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2587 25 Feb 2018 at 11.56am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2586
frag
Posts: 790
frag
   Old Thread  #2586 24 Feb 2018 at 7.14pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Got back from the lake the other day and found my wife in bed with my best friend..
Obviously I kicked her out, I'm not going to stand for it! As for my best friend I sat down with him, looked him straight in the eyes and said 'bad dog'
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2585 11 Feb 2018 at 0.23am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
My therapist told me that a good way to let go of my anger was to write letters to the people I hate and to burn them.

I did that, and the hereapists suggestion was right, I do feel a lot better.

But now I am wondering if I should I keep the letters?


Tel
yonny
Posts: 7639
yonny
   Old Thread  #2584 31 Jan 2018 at 2.32pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
I arrived at the bus stop the other day to find a rather plump lady waiting.
"When's it due"? I asked.
"I'm not pregnant you cheeky git" she replied.
"I meant the bus you fat c*nt" I said.
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2583 30 Jan 2018 at 11.17pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
A priest was called to perform an exorcism on a chicken coop.
He managed to rid it of a poultrygeist.

Tel
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2582 30 Jan 2018 at 11.12pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
A friend’s wife asked him what he was doing today.
“Nothing planned” was his reply.
She then reminded him that he had done nothing the previous day.
Quick as a flash he came back with.
“I know. I haven’t finished yet”

Tel
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2581 14 Jan 2018 at 7.35pm    Login    Register
guy goes into the clinic says "I've got a strawberry up my arse" Doc says I've got some cream for that.
Smufter
Posts: 3631
Smufter
   Old Thread  #2580 5 Jan 2018 at 7.17am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2577
Bill & Ben lying in bed.
Bill says "Flibber, flobba, flibber flobba"
Ben says "If you loved me, you'd swallow that"

deaffred
Posts: 4817
deaffred
   Old Thread  #2579 21 Dec 2017 at 7.15pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2578
shed
Posts: 1394
shed
   Old Thread  #2578 19 Dec 2017 at 12.48pm    Login    Register
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2577 26 Oct 2017 at 10.38pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2576

Tel
Paulepsom
Posts: 109
   Old Thread  #2576 26 Oct 2017 at 8.06pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2575
It's hard to find any good chemistry jokes anymore
All the best Argon
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2575 29 Sept 2017 at 8.39pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2574



Teacher. OK class, when we visited the farm today can you tell me what sounds we heard.

Sarah. I heard Bah Bah.

James. I heard snort snort.

Billy. I heard "get off that f****** tractor"
.
lincs-carper
Posts: 864
   Old Thread  #2574 26 Sept 2017 at 6.47am    Login    Register
Donald trump goes to the hospital for a circumcision. The doctor says I can not operate on this man, There's no end to this p#@ck!!
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2573 23 Sept 2017 at 5.59pm    Login    Register
Mick says to Paddy "why did you name your dogs Rolex & Timex"?
Paddy replied coz there're watch dogs
lincs-carper
Posts: 864
   Old Thread  #2572 21 Sept 2017 at 0.03am    Login    Register
I came home from work tonight and the missus says "can I have £5000."
What for I ask her.
She says I want it for a boob job.
You don't need £5000 I said, all you need is a bit of toilet roll. Rub it in between your boobs twice a day and your boobs will be enormous.
Really, she said.

Of course, look what it's done for your arse.
CharleMagne
Posts: 17
CharleMagne
   Old Thread  #2571 19 Sept 2017 at 7.33am    Login    Register
One day, a husband exclaims to his wife, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"

Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
CharleMagne
Posts: 17
CharleMagne
   Old Thread  #2570 18 Sept 2017 at 4.34am    Login    Register
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes, the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2569 16 Sept 2017 at 8.43pm    Login    Register
I hate my insomnia


But on the plus side it's only 3 sleeps til christmas
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2568 16 Sept 2017 at 8.41pm    Login    Register
Handy tip.

When being chased by psycho taxidermist, never 'play dead'
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2567 16 Sept 2017 at 7.06pm    Login    Register
A young married couple was discussing love making, she said you just rip yer clothes off....fling em in the air then jump into bed rip my jim jams off start banging away....why can't you have some respect and good manners....like you do when we are at the dinner table, next time they go to bed he takes his clothes off lays them on a chair, slowly and gently pulls back the sheets slide in gracefully and says can you pass the pussy please.
CharleMagne
Posts: 17
CharleMagne
   Old Thread  #2566 16 Sept 2017 at 2.12am    Login    Register
A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.

There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind of thing.

The T-Rex liked her anyway though so they started going together.

Even though his parents complained that it was awkward at Christmas dinner and all his friends laughed about how she had him eating salads, he still asked her to marry him.

He was happier because he'd never met a dinosaur like HERBIVORE.
CharleMagne
Posts: 17
CharleMagne
   Old Thread  #2565 15 Sept 2017 at 6.02am    Login    Register
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
CharleMagne
Posts: 17
CharleMagne
   Old Thread  #2564 14 Sept 2017 at 5.49am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2559
Hahaha! That definitely cracked me up.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2563 10 Sept 2017 at 5.41pm    Login    Register
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the *******' dark!" says Murphy.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2562 7 Sept 2017 at 5.40pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2561
jhhilton1983
Posts: 1638
jhhilton1983
   Old Thread  #2561 6 Sept 2017 at 5.46pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2560
Paddy & Murphy walking down a lane and come to a bridge over a river and see Sean and Paul...

Paul is holding Sean off the edge of the bridge by his ankles, they ask what's happening. Paul explains that he and Sean are fishing....

"I hold him by the anckles and he reaches down and puts his hands in the water, when I salmon swims through his hands he shouts pull me....."

At that moment Sean's Shouts "pull me up" and bang there he is with a Salmon in his hands.

Seriously impressed Paddy & Murphy carry on down the lane for a bit until they come to another bridge. Still on a high from what they saw earlier, Paddy says they should give it a go and Murphy readily agrees.

Paddy grabs Murphy by the ankle and hangs him down and they wait...

"have you had anything Murphy"... "No Paddy"..... 5 mins passes.... "have you had anything Murphy.."No Paddy.. this time 10mins pass and then all of a sudden the call comes...

"Murphy Pull me up, Pull me up" yells Paddy... "Have ye got one Paddy" asks Murphy

No there's a train coming!!
lincs-carper
Posts: 864
   Old Thread  #2560 6 Sept 2017 at 2.28pm    Login    Register
Whats the difference between a scouser and batman....batman can go out without robin
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2559 1 Sept 2017 at 9.24pm    Login    Register
Man to woman in a bar " you remind me of my big toe"

Woman replies "why's that"

Man answers " cos when I get home I'm gonna bang you on the coffee table".
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2558 31 Aug 2017 at 7.37pm    Login    Register
Dad there's a couple at the door collecting for the old folks home,
give them grandma and tell them to **** off.
stymie
Posts: 802
stymie
   Old Thread  #2557 30 Aug 2017 at 9.05pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2556
I was round my scouse mates house last week, admiring the trampoline he had in the garden. "What site did you get it from?" I asked.

"google earth"
stymie
Posts: 802
stymie
   Old Thread  #2556 30 Aug 2017 at 9.01pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2555
Excellent

Dad theres a bloke at the door with a bald head
Tell him to **** off I've got one
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2555 29 Aug 2017 at 9.07pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2553
Dad , there's a bloke knocking the door with a beard .

Well no wonder I couldn't ****ing hear him.
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2554 29 Aug 2017 at 9.05pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2552
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2553 29 Aug 2017 at 9.01pm    Login    Register
I was on my way home yesterday and seen my neighbour who is a dwarf standing at the bus stop.

So I stopped and shouted "jump in John, ill give you a lift home".

To which he told me to f#ck off.......

Ungrateful b@stard, so I zipped up my rucksack and carried on walking.
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2552 29 Aug 2017 at 8.58pm    Login    Register
I've just had the police knocking on my door saying " they have received complaints that my dog has been chasing the postman on his bike".

So I informed them its cannot be my dog cos he hasn't got a bike
Clobersauraus
Posts: 694
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2551 29 Aug 2017 at 8.41pm    Login    Register
I've just spent my life's savings on a gender reassignment operation..............now I haven't got a sausage.......
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2550 29 Aug 2017 at 6.33pm    Login    Register
I was at the bar having a pint when a woman glanced at my jeans and said "your garage doors are open"

can you see the long big shiny Cadillac inside? I said

no she said but I can see a Mini with 2 flat tyres.



Oh god the old ones are still .................the old ones.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2549 22 Aug 2017 at 9.27pm    Login    Register
Paddy says to Mick I've got a box of cakes here........if you can guess how many there are you can have both of them
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2548 11 Aug 2017 at 3.03pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2543


i went to the zoo the other day

all they had was a little oriental sounding dog


it was a shih tzu

ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2547 23 Jul 2017 at 10.05pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2546
Went to an AA meeting last month , their advice was to stay away from alcoholics , so I never went back
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2546 23 Jul 2017 at 4.53pm    Login    Register
A Chinese baby boy was born prematurely and was named Sudden Lee.
Tinhead
Posts: 16257
Tinhead
   Old Thread  #2545 24 Jun 2017 at 8.27am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2543
Bread in captivity
I missed that one thanks to Jim for bringing it to my attention
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2544 23 Jun 2017 at 11.45pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2543
Brilliant clean fun.

Tel
oldgeezer
Posts: 26814
oldgeezer
aka Mr Linky Poo
   Old Thread  #2543 6 Jun 2017 at 12.39pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2542
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2542 12 May 2017 at 4.16pm    Login    Register
a guy asks the assistant "where can I find Irish sausages"

Assistant. ----- Are you Irish ?

Guy. ----- yes I am but if I had asked for Italian sausage would you have asked was I Italian

Assistant. ----- I doupt it

Guy. ----- And if I had asked for Kosher sausage would you have asked if I were Jewish

Assistant. ----- Proberly not

Guy. ----- So why did you ask if I was Irish

Assistant. ----- Your in Halfords.

elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2541 30 Mar 2017 at 3.38pm    Login    Register
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, and then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Tel
stymie
Posts: 802
stymie
   Old Thread  #2540 14 Mar 2017 at 8.06pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2539
What's the difference between a seductress and a flirt? A seductress uses her feminine guile and the allure of potential sexual gratification to get what she wants. A flirt is what Geordie milkmen ride round on
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2539 12 Mar 2017 at 8.28am    Login    Register
An unemployed man went into a job center in Devon and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Enticed by the job title, he went in

and asked the clerk for details of the position.


The clerk pulled up the file and read;


"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the Gynecologist .

You have to help the women out of there underwear , lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynecologist's examination.

"The annual salary is 125.000 , and if you are interested you will have to travel to Inverness Scotland ".


"Good grief....Is that where the job is?"


"No sir..... that's where the end of the line is for applicants right now.
😂😂
Tel
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2538 5 Mar 2017 at 10.12am    Login    Register
Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hit the Target. 🎯

From the kitchen wife asks the husband :
"What are u doing?"

Husband : "MISSING YOU DARLING"
👍
Tel
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2537 4 Mar 2017 at 2.13pm    Login    Register
a 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom, the 7 year old says it's time we started swearing, when we go down for breakfast I'll start then you, OK, the 4 year old says yeah OK, they go down and mum says what do you want for breakfast? the 7 year old says Coco pops Bitch, whack, he gets a clout round the head and ends up on the floor, she turns to the 4 year old and says what about you, well it won't be f***ing Coco pops.
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2536 13 Feb 2017 at 1.43pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2532
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2535 31 Jan 2017 at 6.09pm    Login    Register
two cannibal's eating a clown (not me) one turns to the other and says does this taste funny to you?
lincs-carper
Posts: 864
   Old Thread  #2534 31 Jan 2017 at 3.48pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Donald trump goes to the hospital for his circumcision. The doctor walks in and says "I cannot operate on this man, there's no end to this *****"
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2533 24 Jan 2017 at 6.54pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2531
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2532 24 Jan 2017 at 6.02pm    Login    Register
Boy says to mum , I've got the biggest nob at nursery , is it because I'm a scouser , no she replies
It's because you're 28 and a ****ing retard now be a good lad and don't get you're spaghetti hoops
Down you're Liverpool shirt
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2531 23 Jan 2017 at 7.49pm    Login    Register
If someone tries to assassinate president Trump will his bodyguards shout Donald , Duck
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2530 20 Jan 2017 at 1.23pm    Login    Register
Kids know far to much these days , today in the doctors waiting room a little girl was playing with
Ken and Barbie dolls imitating the doggy position . I bent down and whispered , you'll end up
With baby dolls if you keep doing that , she replied I don't think so dickhead , he's doing her up
The ar$e
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2529 18 Jan 2017 at 6.43pm    Login    Register
Got chatting to this bird in a club the other night and she whispered in my ear "fancy coming back to mine , I've got a fanny like a polo " , to right I said .
Got her home and dropped her draws then I gasped , she said you look shocked , I said i thought you meant
The mint , not the ****ing hatchback
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2528 7 Jan 2017 at 12.41pm    Login    Register
A guy goes in to a pub, he grabs a guy at the bar, sticks a gun up his trumpet and says "who's been shagging my wife"? The barman laughed and said "you don't have enough bullets".
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2527 30 Dec 2016 at 8.35pm    Login    Register
The wife had her teeth whitened last night, but to be honest I think most of it went on her chin.
Smj1
Posts: 264
   Old Thread  #2526 30 Dec 2016 at 1.15am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2522
👍🏼😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2525 26 Dec 2016 at 8.34pm    Login    Register
As it is the time of the year.

A little boy asks his mother: "Mom, can I have a puppy for Christmas?"

His mother replies: "You'll have turkey same as everybody else."😂😂😂😂😂😂

Tel
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2524 26 Dec 2016 at 8.31pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
A couple are out shopping before Christmas and get separated in the crowds.
After a while the wife phones the husband to ask where he is.

The husband replies: "Do you remember 5 years ago when were looking in the window of that little jewellers? The one where you saw that beautiful diamond bracelet; and I said that one day in the future, when I could afford it, I would buy it for you."

The wife, choking back the tears replies:

"Oh yes darling, I remember"

"Well" said the husband "I'm in the pub next door 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Tel
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2523 26 Dec 2016 at 8.30pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Seasonal advice - don't drink and drive.

Last night for example, I was out with the lads and had a few pints followed by several whiskies. So I decided it was better to take a bus home. On the way I passed a patrol car stopping all the cars and doing breath tests. Boy was I glad, and I got home safely.

Which was lucky really, because I'd never driven a bus before, and can't remember where I got it from...


Tel
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2522 23 Dec 2016 at 3.53pm    Login    Register
The wife got out of the shower and said "as a special Christmas treat I've shaved my pussy, you know what that means" I said "yeah the ****ing drain is blocked again".
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2521 17 Dec 2016 at 1.20pm    Login    Register
Just got a new high tech bed for Christmas, the "Micro wave" type........you get a full nights sleep in 20 minutes
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2520 15 Dec 2016 at 8.49pm    Login    Register
Years ago I once walked in on my nan giving my grandad a nosh , I was in total shock coz I thought she
Buried it with the rest of him
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2519 12 Dec 2016 at 10.05pm    Login    Register
Just watched a scouse family on family fortunes , you should have seen there faces when Vernon Kay said you have a chance to steal
snowman01
Posts: 525
snowman01
   Old Thread  #2518 11 Dec 2016 at 11.13am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2517
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2517 24 Nov 2016 at 2.55pm    Login    Register
paddy spot's a tasty bird with big jugs at a party, he go's over to her and gets her several drinks then asks "do you want to come back to my place so we can make love" she said I would but I'm on my menstrual cycle, paddy says that's ok you go on ahead and I'll follow on my Honda.


O god .....the old ones are still the......old ones......
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2516 21 Nov 2016 at 5.17pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2515
snowman01
Posts: 525
snowman01
   Old Thread  #2515 21 Nov 2016 at 8.40am    Login    Register
My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”

I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”
Dicky
Posts: 2346
Dicky
   Old Thread  #2514 18 Nov 2016 at 1.07pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2513
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2513 18 Nov 2016 at 10.56am    Login    Register
The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Thedeadsea
Posts: 7
   Old Thread  #2512 18 Nov 2016 at 9.08am    Login    Register
Another 'best joke of all time'

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2511 16 Nov 2016 at 8.41pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2507
snowman01
Posts: 525
snowman01
   Old Thread  #2510 16 Nov 2016 at 9.19am    Login    Register
What do two rednecks say after breaking up? Lets just be cousins !
snowman01
Posts: 525
snowman01
   Old Thread  #2509 16 Nov 2016 at 9.14am    Login    Register
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

Tinhead
Posts: 16257
Tinhead
   Old Thread  #2508 15 Nov 2016 at 11.48am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2507
oldgeezer
Posts: 26814
oldgeezer
aka Mr Linky Poo
   Old Thread  #2507 15 Nov 2016 at 11.36am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2506
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend carp fishing with his mate.
When he finally got home on Sunday night he was confronted by his very angry wife!
After two hours she stopped nagging and said, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied, 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2506 9 Nov 2016 at 6.55pm    Login    Register
Farmer in a field rounding his sheep up with his dog. Man walks around the corner and says to the farmer, hey farmer, if I can tell you how many sheep you have got in that field in the next 3 seconds can I have one?

Farmer says, Ok then, try it, Man replies, 787.

The farmer astonished, how did you know that, man replies, I'm just good with numbers. Ok mate, fair play, get yourself up the field and get one

The man comes walking down with the hill, the farmer says, Oi, if I can tell you where you come from can I have my sheep back.

Bloke says, yeah, fair play, the farmer replies, Dublin, Southern Ireland. The man replies **** me, how did you know that?

Farmer replies, put the ****ing dog down...
Thedeadsea
Posts: 7
   Old Thread  #2505 9 Nov 2016 at 7.08am    Login    Register
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

RobertmBronson
Posts: 5
   Old Thread  #2504 8 Nov 2016 at 8.43am    Login    Register
Joke of the day

Why We Vote in November :D

Old man walks up and says, "For sixty years I've been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year."

"Why's that?"

"Better selection of turkeys!"
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2503 7 Nov 2016 at 6.56pm    Login    Register
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador", "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2502 7 Nov 2016 at 6.38pm    Login    Register
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's cabinet by the bed. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.Your boyfriend, then?', No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear, 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear That's me before the surgery.' ....
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2501 4 Nov 2016 at 1.05pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2500


Nice one
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2500 3 Nov 2016 at 6.36pm    Login    Register
95% of scousers admit to having sex in the shower , the other 5% ain't been inside yet .

Alright malster
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2499 1 Nov 2016 at 11.50am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2498
Micketionath
Posts: 6
   Old Thread  #2498 31 Oct 2016 at 7.12am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
hi all. here's my joke of the day:

Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me.

ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2497 28 Oct 2016 at 9.28pm    Login    Register
My missus told me she was leaving me because I'm immature and we should set a date so we can talk about the state of our marriage .
She can **** off if she thinks I'm doing that in the middle of the conker season .
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2496 25 Oct 2016 at 9.02pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2495
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2495 25 Oct 2016 at 7.30pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2494
And yours
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2494 25 Oct 2016 at 7.04pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2493
so doe's yours
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2493 25 Oct 2016 at 10.35am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2490
Yes she does
Warnisses2803
Posts: 9
Warnisses2803
   Old Thread  #2492 25 Oct 2016 at 9.42am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2478
Can't stop laughing, luckyjim
scozza
Posts: 17062
   Old Thread  #2491 5 Oct 2016 at 8.22pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2489
PMSL

I had a wife, once lol
Tinhead
Posts: 16257
Tinhead
   Old Thread  #2490 5 Oct 2016 at 8.20pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2489


Sounds like my wife but she doesn't take it up the arse and she's useless with the kids
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2489 5 Oct 2016 at 8.14pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2488
The old bill knocked my door last night holding a picture of my wife, they said " excuse me sir , is this you're wife" , l said "yes" . He replied " I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus " . I said "I know , but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids .
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2488 15 Sept 2016 at 9.15pm    Login    Register
went to a show the other night, there was a hypnotist, boy he was good, swinging his pocket watch left to right and back again he had 7 guys under his spell in no time, as he turned to the audience he stumbled and dropped the watch, it broke into a thousand pieces, as he bent down to pick up the bits he said f*** me and what I saw in the next 5 minutes will haunt me for the rest of my life.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2487 5 Sept 2016 at 11.06am    Login    Register
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home, feeling well randy and full of confidence he leans his hand on the wall and says "darling will you give me a blowjob"
"no my parents will see us"
"oh come on who's gonna see us at this hour"
"no, can you imagine if we get caught"
"oh come on they're all asleep"
"no its just too risky"
"please please I love you so much"
"I love you too but I just can't "
"I beg you"
then the landing light goes on and the girls sister comes down the stairs, in a sleepy voice says "dad says give him a blowjob, or I can do it, or if need be he'll do it but for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom"
mal
Posts: 8899
mal
   Old Thread  #2486 31 Aug 2016 at 10.58pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2485
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2485 31 Aug 2016 at 4.07pm    Login    Register
Jack Wiltshire has fallen out of the transfer window and will be out for four months
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2484 18 Aug 2016 at 12.15pm    Login    Register
Mick O'Reilly raised his beer glass and said "here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me lovely wife", he won the best toast of the night, went home and told the wife, aye did you now, what was the toast? "here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife", next day the wife bumps into one of Mick's drinking pals, hello Mary he chuckles I see Mick won the best toast of the night and it was about you, yes she said though I'm a bit surprised he's only been in there twice in the last 4 years, the first time I had to pull his ear to make him come and the second he fell asleep.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2483 13 Aug 2016 at 1.38pm    Login    Register
Paddy is holding down a good job at The Natural History museum then one day a Yank said hey buddy what is that? paddy replied that boss is a Mammoth it's very old, really, how old is it? this one is 4 million years 8 months, Wow said the yank, how can they get the age so accurate? well said paddy it was 4 million years old when I got the job and I've been hear 8 months now.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2482 4 Aug 2016 at 7.24pm    Login    Register
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2481 4 Aug 2016 at 7.19pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2480
brill
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2480 3 Aug 2016 at 7.46pm    Login    Register
Went to my first Isis birthday party today , musical chairs was a bit slow but **** me pass the parcel weren't half quick .
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2479 2 Aug 2016 at 9.05pm    Login    Register
My neighbor just confronted me about stuff going missing from her washing line ,
**** me , I nearly sh1t her pants
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2478 2 Aug 2016 at 8.46pm    Login    Register
A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2477 2 Aug 2016 at 8.42pm    Login    Register
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
MunkyFunK74
Posts: 7319
MunkyFunK74
   Old Thread  #2476 19 Jul 2016 at 7.49am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

'Son, where were you today?'

Son says 'at school dad.'

Robot slaps the son!

'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!'

'What dvd?'

'Toy story.'

Robot slaps the son again!

'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.

'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!

Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'

Robot slaps the mum!
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2475 8 Jul 2016 at 5.12pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
My missus left me because of my obsession with the footy , bitch , we'd been together ten seasons
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2474 8 Jul 2016 at 7.00am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2473
Paddy opens Micks fridge and asks him why he keeps a empty bottle of milk in their.
In case somebody wants a black coffe you thick **** was his reply
stymie
Posts: 802
stymie
   Old Thread  #2473 5 Jul 2016 at 7.45pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2472
I met our postman at the gate the other day, I don't know what surprised him more, the fact that I was naked or the fact that I knew where he lived
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2472 2 Jul 2016 at 4.10pm    Login    Register
Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside! Do you think I should change dentists?
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2471 30 Jun 2016 at 2.19pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2470
There's an Englishman , Irishman ,Scotsman and normally a Welshman but he's still in France
harveyboy
Posts: 1389
   Old Thread  #2470 24 Jun 2016 at 3.40pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2469
Word has it that the Welsh have found another use for their sheep. .....it's called wool.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2469 5 Jun 2016 at 9.45am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2466
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2468 4 Jun 2016 at 11.24pm    Login    Register
Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2467 1 Jun 2016 at 11.48pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2466
boom boom ......boom boom boom boom boom boom boom
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2466 1 Jun 2016 at 4.49pm    Login    Register
A blokes fat wife walks into the kitchen and says , didn't you just hear me fall down the stairs ?
He says , sorry love , I thought you were watching the start of east Enders
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2465 1 Jun 2016 at 11.49am    Login    Register
2 girls at the cinema watching a film.......after a while one girl turns to the other and says ere the bloke next to me is playing wiv imself..........oh just ignore him..........I can't he's using my hand.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2464 1 Jun 2016 at 11.41am    Login    Register
A daughter asked her mother, "how do you spell 'scrotum'?" mum replied, " you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2463 1 Jun 2016 at 11.38am    Login    Register
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2462 11 May 2016 at 10.56pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2461
my sister had big problems being a kleptomaniac , when it was too much for her she would take something for it.
capt_swearword
Posts: 1006
   Old Thread  #2461 27 Apr 2016 at 7.11pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2460
Thinking of selling my hoover, its just collecting dust.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2460 26 Apr 2016 at 10.39pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2459
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2459 26 Apr 2016 at 4.31pm    Login    Register
I said to my missus this morning , you look just like a saint "
She said , "ohh , do I really "
I said yeah, a ****ing Saint Bernard
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2458 25 Apr 2016 at 9.46pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2456
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2457 22 Apr 2016 at 9.34pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2456
Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading This..

You hang in there......



Tel
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2456 21 Apr 2016 at 5.59pm    Login    Register
How unlucky is my mate , he went in hospital today to have his tonsils out and some ****er turned the trolley round
Tony59
Posts: 1660
Tony59
   Old Thread  #2455 19 Apr 2016 at 5.13pm    Login    Register
Last year my wife ran away with the neighbour.
I still miss him.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2454 19 Apr 2016 at 12.55pm    Login    Register
Billy said to Johnny like your new phone, yeah said Johnny you’ll never guess how I got it, I came home early from Sunday school and caught mum and dad at it like rabbits so they bought me the phone to stay the full session you should try it, yeah says Billy I’ll give it a go, the next Sunday Billy go’s home early and catches his parents at it doggy fashion, as he stood in the doorway his dad says OH hello Billy what do you want? I wanna watch, ok son come in and sit over there.

elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2453 18 Apr 2016 at 9.05pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2452
Well it made me chuckle when I had it arrive on my phone, almost as much as reading the football thread on here😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tel
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2452 18 Apr 2016 at 6.14pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2449
That's quality
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2451 18 Apr 2016 at 3.53pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2449
lincs-carper
Posts: 864
   Old Thread  #2450 18 Apr 2016 at 1.16pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2449
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2449 18 Apr 2016 at 12.18pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher.


'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “bloody Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”

storer123
Posts: 715
storer123
   Old Thread  #2448 17 Apr 2016 at 10.55am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2447
lincs-carper
Posts: 864
   Old Thread  #2447 17 Apr 2016 at 9.39am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Two blokes walking through a jungle when they see a crocodile with a blokes head sticking out of its mouth. One says to his mate, look at that flash barsteward hes only got a lacoste sleeping bag
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2446 16 Apr 2016 at 11.41pm    Login    Register
Mick goes in to a flag shop to get a flag for the queen's birthday, bejazzus oy'll have a green union jack says Mick, the assistant is in tears with laughter and says they are red,white and blue, OK says Mick oy'll have a blue one
Delboy1977
Posts: 255
Delboy1977
   Old Thread  #2445 13 Apr 2016 at 9.39pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2442
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2444 13 Apr 2016 at 9.33pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2443
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2443 13 Apr 2016 at 9.09pm    Login    Register
Paddy gets the sack for doing the worst bricklaying on the site, he says to the gaffer I have a wife and 4 kids to support please keep me on, I can't afford to says the gaffer, OK OK says Paddy if I show you a wall that is worse than that will you keep me on? yeah ok I suppose so, Paddy shows him a wall that is pissed in every direction, jeeeeze says the gaffer that's really bad you can keep your job, oh thanks boss, by the way says the boss who did that? Paddy says I did.......
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2442 13 Apr 2016 at 7.16pm    Login    Register
Bloke next door , who I don't like asked how many rolls of wallpaper I bought for my lounge .
Twelve , I replied .
Next time I saw him he said , I got twelve and had six left over.
I said , so did I
lincs-carper
Posts: 864
   Old Thread  #2441 7 Apr 2016 at 11.20am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Women are like parking spaces. When all the good ones are gone and when no one's looking, stick it in a disabled one.
Tony59
Posts: 1660
Tony59
   Old Thread  #2440 31 Mar 2016 at 1.17pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2439
Wah - that censor thing works a bit too well!
Tony59
Posts: 1660
Tony59
   Old Thread  #2439 31 Mar 2016 at 1.16pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2431
I was born in S****horpe - the joke about Tony will never be as bad as the joke about S****horpe - that always seemed to appear on the inside of the loo doors.
If Typhoo put the T in Britain - Who put the **** in S****horpe.
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2438 31 Mar 2016 at 6.31am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2437
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2436 29 Mar 2016 at 10.09am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Saw this in a local paper!!!!

"This is Lexi. She's an 14-week-old German Shepherd.

I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs, so we are now looking to find her a new home.

She is 59 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house."
Tel
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2435 26 Mar 2016 at 3.26pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2434
And was he ?
lincs-carper
Posts: 864
   Old Thread  #2434 24 Mar 2016 at 8.36pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
As jesus was nailed to the cross, he looked down on his diciples and said...........don't ****ing touch my easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday!
lincs-carper
Posts: 864
   Old Thread  #2433 24 Mar 2016 at 8.33pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2429
jimmyAd
Posts: 8977
jimmyAd
   Old Thread  #2432 24 Mar 2016 at 9.27am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2430
I'm surprised they didn't call you sirry ****
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2431 23 Mar 2016 at 10.30pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2430
Tony59
Posts: 1660
Tony59
   Old Thread  #2430 23 Mar 2016 at 9.08pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2429
I think I did get it really

When I worked in China - they called me Toe Lee
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2429 23 Mar 2016 at 8.51pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2428

What do you call a man with no shins................................................

TOE........KNEE = Tony!!!


not Tony59
Tony59
Posts: 1660
Tony59
   Old Thread  #2428 22 Mar 2016 at 10.25pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2417
I don't get it....
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2427 18 Mar 2016 at 5.54pm    Login    Register
What's the difference between three cocks and a joke .?

You're mum can't take a joke
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2426 7 Mar 2016 at 4.53pm    Login    Register
A three foot midget go's into the gent's public toilet and points Percy to the porcelain, in walked a giant of a man with a twitch, after a minute or so the big guy looked down to the little guy and said isn't it funny you have the same affliction as me, the little guy looked up and said "affliction be buggered, every time you twitch you keep pissing in my ear".
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2425 5 Mar 2016 at 12.10pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2423
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2424 5 Mar 2016 at 7.29am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2423
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2423 5 Mar 2016 at 7.00am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1

Q. Whats the difference between a penis and a bonus ?.
A. Your wIfe will always "blow" your bonus!!

Tel
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2422 27 Feb 2016 at 9.20pm    Login    Register
All the following spoken in a west country farmers voice


Farmer Brown!
Yes farmer piles Giles
I hear you have a very rare pig, the same as me,
That's right I do, why do you ask?
If we get them together to mate, their offspring will earn us a fortune,
Right, mine is a male so to conserve his energy for the boncking session you bring your girl over to my farm in the morning
farmer Giles put her in a wheel barrow and off they go,
the deed was done
next morning
is she up the duff?
how do I tell?
she will be laying on her back with two feet in the air.
Oh no she's standing.
ok bring her back in the morning.

this go's on for a week
on the last day
is she laying on her back.....
No!
what's she doing
she's in the wheel barrow with a big grin on her face.
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2421 26 Feb 2016 at 7.50pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
What's the difference between a hippo and Zippo?


One's a heavyweight, the other is a little lighter
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2420 23 Feb 2016 at 6.17pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I’m six-foot tall, 14-stone blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The woman to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.”

“Now seriously, Mister, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

“No …. not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”.
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2419 22 Feb 2016 at 1.11pm    Login    Register
An East London girl runs home to mum crying , mum asks what's the matter?
My new boyfriend says I've got East end tits and West end hips,
Don't worry about that your dad had a Whopping cock and a Barking arse and we're still together
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2418 20 Feb 2016 at 3.48pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Dear Agony Aunt:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 15 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot pool with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!
lincs-carper
Posts: 864
   Old Thread  #2417 19 Feb 2016 at 9.29pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2416
What do you call a man with no shins................................................

Tony!!!!
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2416 18 Feb 2016 at 1.42pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2415

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinski
2. Tony Blair
3. Robert Mugabe
4. Jeremy Corbyn
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Sepp Blatter

You had trouble with #5.......Typical, you know the criminals, murderers,
thieves, sluts, liars and cheats, but you don’t know the Pope!
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2415 17 Feb 2016 at 7.17pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2414
What weighs 18 stone and rides a Derby winner.

Adam johnsons soon to be cell mate
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2414 17 Feb 2016 at 12.55pm    Login    Register
My mate , who is dyslexic is on a new water , he's just text me that he's had a 23lb Crap
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2413 12 Feb 2016 at 9.09am    Login    Register

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name.
'Polo, I'm the one with the hole,' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts,' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But 3 days later his Sherbet Dip started to itch.....
turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts
Tinhead
Posts: 16257
Tinhead
   Old Thread  #2412 11 Feb 2016 at 7.50am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2411
Yes about 30 years ago
tuftytowers
Posts: 674
tuftytowers
   Old Thread  #2411 10 Feb 2016 at 9.31pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2410
did you tell them the one about 6 legs as well???
Tinhead
Posts: 16257
Tinhead
   Old Thread  #2410 10 Feb 2016 at 10.58am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2397
According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty

Just told that to the blokes at work.
They're still laughing
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2409 5 Feb 2016 at 3.08pm    Login    Register
A prisoner in a British jail has been caught with 4 mobile phones up his arse.

After struggling to squeeze them out,his ringtone changed.
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2408 5 Feb 2016 at 2.21pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2407
Was in a que earlier behind a great big fat bird with a huge Arse , her phone started bleeping and
The young lad behind me shouts out , **** me , mind out , she's reversing
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2407 5 Feb 2016 at 9.14am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2404
elltell
Posts: 1394
elltell
   Old Thread  #2406 4 Feb 2016 at 1.24pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2404
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Tel
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2405 4 Feb 2016 at 10.39am    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2404
ralph69
Posts: 10353
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2404 4 Feb 2016 at 9.19am    Login    Register
Flagged a black cab down in London this morning and said to the driver "Waterloo please mate"
"The station , he replied" . I said well I'm a bit ****ing late for the battle ain't I
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2403 2 Feb 2016 at 9.49pm    Login    Register
Scientists say that sniffing Rosemary can increase memory by 75 percent, yet every time I try she slaps me and says I'm a creep.

luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2402 2 Feb 2016 at 7.36pm    Login    Register
I said to a local business man your obversely very rich and successful
what is your negative side?
"my honesty" he said
"I don't think that's bad"
"I don't give a f*** what you think".
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2401 1 Feb 2016 at 5.51pm    Login    Register
I said to my mate Bob....my wife tells me that all her girl friends
says your fantastic in bed and can go at it for ages, how do you do it?
well said Bob......before I go in the bedroom I go in the kitchen and drop
me strides then bash the old spam ram on the work top till it throbs and
I can hardly feel it, ok so now I'm going to try it, I left work early and crept
into the kitchen, dropped everything and bashed the life out of Mr wiggle
till he was throbbing when all of a sudden the wife calls out......"is that you Bob"?
luckyjim
Posts: 3616
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2400 31 Jan 2016 at 6.29pm    Login    Register
In reply to Post #2399
SlugHunter
Posts: 22735
SlugHunter
   Old Thread  #2399 31 Jan 2016 at 1.09pm    Login    Register
My wife walked in on me watchin