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We have removed the last Joke thread due to the content i.e. Racist and offensive jokes/comments.
Please do not post any jokes or comments that are racist or that are likely to cause offense.
Anyone posting racist or highly offensive 'jokes/comments' will be banned from the forum.
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In reply to Post #2779
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A couple were on their honeymoon:
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" Says the wife.
The husband says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She says.
The husband says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions. 
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I had a mate who "batted for the other side" and he was in a gay football league. He was an ardent Wolverhampton Wanderers fan and had their initials tattooed on his buttocks. Every time he went to pick up the soap in the shower, all his mates would go "WoW".
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In reply to Post #2775
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"Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, nothing was stirring, not even a mouse!"
I should have bought a carbon monoxide alarm.
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In reply to Post #2773
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I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that's Heinz sight.
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In reply to Post #2771
Took the wife out for dinner, we played footsie under the table, I had a steak and she got toad in the hole 
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One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing, but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel.
I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered.
Without turning around, she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"
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In reply to Post #2769
Good un that
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Just seen pep guardiola doing his weekly shopping.
I thought he’d be a Morrisons person but no, it’s LLLLLDL
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What do you say to a Contry and Western singer?
I'm sorry to hear your girlfriend left you, your dog died and your truck broke down!
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In reply to Post #2766
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NON Carp stuff