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CarpyPat
Posts: 7352
CarpyPat
   Old Thread  #1 27 Feb 2012 at 3.19pm  0  Login    Register
We have removed the last Joke thread due to the content i.e. Racist and offensive jokes/comments.

Please do not post any jokes or comments that are racist or that are likely to cause offense.

Anyone posting racist or highly offensive 'jokes/comments' will be banned from the forum.
Baitman
Posts: 4113
Baitman
   Old Thread  #2754 7 May 2024 at 0.14am  2  Login    Register
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
scozza
Posts: 17150
   Old Thread  #2753 20 Jun 2023 at 5.38am  1  Login    Register
Some good uns there
Clobersauraus
Posts: 698
Clobersauraus
   Old Thread  #2752 19 Jun 2023 at 9.34pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
Ive just recently spent my entire life savings on a gender reassignment operation"………………now I haven’t got a sausage
harveyboy
Posts: 1404
   Old Thread  #2751 7 Jan 2023 at 6.41pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2750
Love it lol
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2750 7 Jan 2023 at 6.27pm  0  Login    Register
I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up;
she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2749 4 Jan 2023 at 8.49pm  0  Login    Register
I asked a hundred young housewives,
"What's your favourite shower gel?"

the top answer was,,

WTF are you doing in my shower?
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2748 4 Jan 2023 at 8.44pm  0  Login    Register
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and his blonde wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time."
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2747 4 Jan 2023 at 8.29pm  0  Login    Register
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2746 29 Dec 2022 at 5.08pm  0  Login    Register
I got a phone call from the school today to inform me my boy was being expelled,
"why" I asked?
"he's been playing doctors and nurses with a girl", the headmaster replied.
I said,"but all kids do that, it's no reason for expulsion".
"he's removed her bloody appendix"
Oh!
luckyjim
Posts: 3619
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2745 28 Dec 2022 at 5.48pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2744
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2744 20 Dec 2022 at 11.48pm  0  Login    Register
2 carp anglers called Dave and Stuart, are seated either side of a table in a

pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a ****er......
Greybeard54
Posts: 310
   Old Thread  #2743 11 Dec 2022 at 9.55am  0  Login    Register
A woman knocked on the door today, She said she was collecting for a local swimming pool and would I like to contribute, so I gave her a bucket of water.
luckyjim
Posts: 3619
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2742 12 Sept 2022 at 10.34pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2741
sign in a shop window

"We sell everything"
Paddy goes in and asks for a chicken jumper,
salesman says I'll go out the back and check,
comes back a few minutes later with a brown
paper bag, gives it to Paddy and says that will
be £6, Paddy pays and goes out, he stops
and looks into the bag, there is a condom and
nothing else, Paddy storms back into the shop
and says I asked for a chicken jumper, salesman
says sorry sir we are out of them, the closest
we have is a pullover for a cock.
luckyjim
Posts: 3619
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2741 2 Sept 2022 at 11.14am  0  Login    Register
Dave and Carol came round for an evening of poker,
all was going well till I dropped a card, I went under
the table to pick it up and noticed Carol came commando
(no drawers), after a while we decided to have a break, I
went in to the kitchen followed by Carol, she said did you
see anything you liked under the table, yes I said, she said
you can have it for £50, I agreed and she said come round
Friday afternoon thats when Dave plays golf, Friday came,
she got Rogered I paid and left, Dave came home and asked
did Jim come round this afternoon, she sheepishly said yes,
and did he give you £50, she nodded, oh thats good, he came
by the club this morning to borrow £50 and he would pay it
back today.

Now that's a poker plater.
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