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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
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my wife walked into the bathroom and found me with my head down the toilet.
she said,"stop pretending to be sick,you're still coming with me to my Mothers."
I said,"i'm not,i'm just getting use to the smell of p***."
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If you had the choice between Bill Gates fortune or ending poverty in Africa,what colour ferrari would you pick?
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brought a tin of evaporated milk this morning , took it home and opened it and there was **** all in it
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Bet if you lost your t.v remote you'd try blame Rolf Harris, the man's nothing but nice. He once taught me how to milk a cow blind folded!
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Malcolm Tucker is the new Doctor.
I cant wait to see him tell a Dalek to go and **** its self.
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In reply to Post #1
Minnie Mouse and Micky Mouse in the divorce court, after the summing up the judge says to Micky " having buck teeth is not suitable grounds for divorce" Micky says i didn't say she had buck teeth, i said "she f***ing Goofy". 
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In reply to Post #1941
Irish Medical Dictionary.
Artery- The study of paintings
Bacteria- back door to café
Barium-What doctors do when patients die
Cat scan- Search for kitty
Cauterize-made eye contact with her
Enema-not a friend
Fester-Quicker than someone else
Impotent-Distinguished
Post operative-A letter carrier
Tumour-One plus one more
Urine-Opposite of your out
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I was given the job of interviewing Kate Middleton's midwife.
"What colour hair did it have?", I asked.
"None at all, completely bald," he replied.
"Is it cute?"
"It was beautiful, one of the cutest I've ever seen," he added.
I said, "Now lets talk about the baby."
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An 8" canister was found outside a mosque today
the local muslims said they had never seen anything like it
experts are not ruling out deoderant
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In reply to Post #1935
 
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In reply to Post #1937
selling all my old dogging gear on ebay-no bids as yet but loads of watchers!
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In reply to Post #1933
Kin ell Paul
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In reply to Post #1931
 gud un
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This Rooney hating thing has gone too far. I'm outside Old Trafford & there's a guy burning small effigies of Rooney & selling them to fans. Oh, hang on....its a baked potato stand.
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