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The missus packed my bags and threw me out, as I walked out the door she screamed "I hope you have a slow and painful deaths you old *******" "oh" I replied, "so you want me to stay now"
Boom Boom
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worst decision i ever made was having a penis extension...
my house looks ****ing stupid now
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If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
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the vicar see's little Johnny walking down the road with a bottle
Vicar.....hello Johnny how are you today and what have you there in the bottle?
Johnny....It's acid
Vicar....that's very dangerous Johnny, can i swap it for some holy water, the other day i rubbed some on a ladies belly and she had a baby
Johnny....That's nufink i put some acid on my dog's nut's and he overtook a motorbike.
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In reply to Post #1973
MY wife got a vibrator, still don't know how to use it, broke 3 teeth last night 
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In reply to Post #1972
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My mate asked me the other day what I'm getting my wife for christmas , I said I'm gonna get her a new dress and a vibrator .......... If she doesn't like her dress she can go **** herself.
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In reply to Post #1971
Funny how it's, OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians) etc etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims. The sooner we are all on same level playing field the better.
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your bum with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim
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It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.
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In reply to Post #1959
better not do that one
The waiter served my soup, i said you have your thumb in my soup, ..............i have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it warm.............then why don't you stick it up your a***..............i do when i'm in the kitchen 
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In reply to Post #1948
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lying in bed last night i looked into my wifes eyes and said , you remind me of the lottery
she said , is it coz im worth millions to you
i said no........... its coz i wish youd ****ing roll over
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In reply to Post #1966
Those same TOTs have been onto the KW help line and text "stop Kevin stop" 
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In reply to Post #1965
kevin webster called in to the rovers on his way home today-fancied a couple of tots apparently
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