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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Then I realized that she is a dyslexic bitch and that she was trying to say she loves Alan, my best friend.
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I bought a new perfume for my wife called "Chloroform", but she says she doesn't like it any more as it makes her sleepy and her arse is sore when she wakes up.
Tel
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I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
Tel
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men in the north east think that putting out the wheelie bins each week
is the most romantic guesture.
as for most couples in newcastle it's where they had there first date 
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"It's a good job you're cute" said the girl I pulled, "cos you're probably the cheesiest bloke I've ever met."
"Whatever love" I replied, "just keep sucking."
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Girls everywhere are posting selfies of themselves with no make up on to raise awareness of breast cancer.
Would it not make more sense to post pictures of their tits? That would get my attention.
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Let's spare a thought for the man who told his wife that he was going to China on the Malaysian plane and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment.
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I stole a TV from my next door neighbour's kitchen but I think it's broken.
Every channel is a slow spinning bowl of porridge.
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In reply to Post #2100
That could be why you're single ralphy. 
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Message Suppressed by Forum Moderator.
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I told my office junior that I'd promote her if she gave me a blow job.
She did, so I wrote: "Samantha gives great head" on the gent's wall.
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Guy in the street shouts.."BLOW UP DOLLS £40!!-BLOW UP DOLLS £40!!"
Another guy walks past... "Hey mate.. I bought one of these yesterday and I blew it up and it went straight down"
Guy in the street shouts "BLOW UP DOLLS £70!!-BLOW UP DOLLS £70!!"
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It's a bad Valentine's Day when the lamppost by the pub gets more cards and flowers than I do.
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Apparently scientists are saying semen is 'good for women's health and helps fight depression'
It makes sense, because it's normally the miserable ones who don't ****ing swallow in the first place.
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "Quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove past'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have visitors,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skateboard!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!
Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'
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