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The Meteorological Office announced that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather. Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population , it will now be referred to a " Muslim Weather"
( Partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite ? )  
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In reply to Post #2137
theres an englishman a Scot and a paddy training for war in the desert the drill sergeant comes up to the englishman and asks if you were stranded in the desert and you had the choice of one item what would you you choose water says the englishman so i can stay hydrated very good says the sergeant he goes to the scot and asks the same question the scot replies a wide brimmed hat to keep the sun off me very good sergeant moves on to the paddy and asks the same question a car door replies the irish man what the **** do you want with a car door in the desert said the sergeant the paddy replies if it gets to hot i can always wind the window down
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Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f***ing chainsaw.
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In reply to Post #2135
Oscar Pistorius has said he won't be entering any further races.
I think he has to worry more about different races entering him, once he's in prison.
First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
and one for the chelsea fans
Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend.
Proof that even a man with no legs has a better shot than Fernando Torres.
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In reply to Post #2134
Tel
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Rolf Harris has been instructed to bring his toothbrush to court today on the assumption he'll get a custodial sentence.
I'd take a fine comb too, a toothbrush won't get the cum out of that goatee.
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Serena Williams exits Wimbledon with a virus.
I bet it's man flu
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In reply to Post #2131
Adoption
Couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.
So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.
"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".
There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.
"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.
So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.
"It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as he fits in the cannon"
Made me chuckle!!!!! 
Tel
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In reply to Post #2130
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
Tel
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In reply to Post #2129
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow
”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”
“Sticks”, said Paddy
Tel
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In reply to Post #2128
A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR.
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
Well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
Tel
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In reply to Post #2127
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Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then said: "You have to shove all of the fruit that you brought back up your ass without any expression on your face and without making any noise or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in Heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
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Not believing all the negative rubbish written about Katie Price and, wanting to show that someone appreciated her, I sent her one of those scented candles for her birthday.
She sent it back saying it made her fanny itch.
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In reply to Post #2124
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