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In reply to Post #2189
A suicide bomber blew himself up and went to his heaven, just as his mad mentor had promised.
When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim the virgins, he was promised.
Out of curiosity he asked Allah “Why are there so many virgins in heaven?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied: "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.
So you're here to service them.
Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And be warned, I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded: "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity ? ”
And Allah replied:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Who said they were women ?”
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My old man taught me about the birds and the bees, I now realise that he lied because
I went out with a ****ing woodpecker till I was 21
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A play boy walks into a bar and sits next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?”
The guy says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What's it telling you now?”
Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am!”
The play boy smirks, taps his watch and says, “Darn thing's an hour fast.”
And that, my son.........is Confidence!
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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot.......... 
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In reply to Post #2185
 some goodies there jim
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A guy is running down the road as fast as he could, passing everything ,
another guy shouts, whats up? there's a lion escaped from the zoo,
which way did it go?
you don't think I'm ******* chasing it do ya
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The brothel door bell rang, the madam goes to answer it, she opens the door but there's no one to be seen just as she was closing the door she heard "hello can I come in" she looks down and there was a guy with no arms or legs, she said no you can't come in, what good would you be to a woman? he said "I rang the bell didn't I" 
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Jane Goldberg phones the Jewish Chronicle.
Jane.....Hello is that the editor?
Ed........Yes my dear how can i help you?
Jane.....My husband Morris died the other day and I just want to
put a couple of words in the Births and deaths column.
Ed.........OK, what do you want to put in the paper?
Jane......."Goodbye Morris"
Ed............I'm sorry my dear it's got to be a full line.
Jane.......No no that's all I want to say.
Ed..........It's got to be a full line of 6 words otherwise it upsets the system.
Jane gave it a lot of thought then said OK I got it, "Morris is dead Volvo for sale" 
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3 nuns walking through the desert, running out of supplies and
no water, getting very desperate, sister Molly said if we can pee
into a bowl of flower and leave it in the sun to bake it will make
a loaf of bread and keep us going a bit longer, I'll try first, she strained
and strained but nothing was there, Sister Bridget, "you try",
so she pushed and strained she gave it one final shove, farted blew
all the flower out of the bowl and sister Cathleen pissed herself laughing . 
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A lady came up to me in the high st
LADY..... do you want to buy a ticket for the policeman's ball?
ME.........no, sorry love i can't dance
LADY.......that's ok It's a raffle.
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Moisha and David were driving along in Davids car, when suddenly Moisha screams out "stop the car i need a dump" David said I can't stop here it's a built up area, look said Moisha there's some bushes in front of that house, I'll go behind them, so David stopped and waited for about 10 minutes, then there was a cry from behind the bush, David have you got any paper? paper shmaper don't be so ******* tight leave it there.
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i was in the toilets on a train last night and a voice outside boomed " can i see your ticket please"
i replied " i cant im having a ****"
" i dont believe you slide it under the door "
" no problem....the yellow bits will be sweetcorn"
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In reply to Post #2177
was stood making tea the other day when a massive insect flew into my kitchen and exploded?
turns out it was a jihaddy longlegs.
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Lady visits the Doctor
LADY........Hello Doc I've come to see you today because i have been sick
and have strange feelings in my tummy.
After an examination
DOC..........Well young lady, I can now confirm that you are pregnant and
your going to have twins.
LADY.........."well i never" must have been something in the air.
DOC...........Yeah yer legs i expect
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Oscar Pistorius - had to happen
Oscar wanted to get a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.
*
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on
Valentine's Day he had to take her out.
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If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had
with only 2 blades.
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His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.
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Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
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Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a
front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
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Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for
his Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
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New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never
creep up on Oscar Pistorius."
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Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
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New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder ... footprints !
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She didn't notice Oscar stalking her.. It was the silence of the limbs.
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And finally,
Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!
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