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Joke Thread
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luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2180 23 Oct 2014 at 6.59pm

Moisha and David were driving along in Davids car, when suddenly Moisha screams out "stop the car i need a dump" David said I can't stop here it's a built up area, look said Moisha there's some bushes in front of that house, I'll go behind them, so David stopped and waited for about 10 minutes, then there was a cry from behind the bush, David have you got any paper? paper shmaper don't be so ******* tight leave it there.

jimmyAd

Posts: 8986

#2179 23 Oct 2014 at 7.24am

i was in the toilets on a train last night and a voice outside boomed " can i see your ticket please"
i replied " i cant im having a ****"
" i dont believe you slide it under the door "
" no problem....the yellow bits will be sweetcorn"

LG94

Posts: 50

#2178 23 Oct 2014 at 0.51am

In reply to Post #2177
was stood making tea the other day when a massive insect flew into my kitchen and exploded?

turns out it was a jihaddy longlegs.

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2177 22 Oct 2014 at 7.08pm

Lady visits the Doctor

LADY........Hello Doc I've come to see you today because i have been sick
and have strange feelings in my tummy.

After an examination

DOC..........Well young lady, I can now confirm that you are pregnant and
your going to have twins.

LADY.........."well i never" must have been something in the air.

DOC...........Yeah yer legs i expect

elltell

Posts: 1511

#2176 21 Oct 2014 at 9.50pm

Oscar Pistorius - had to happen

Oscar wanted to get a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.
*
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on
Valentine's Day he had to take her out.
*
If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had
with only 2 blades.
*
His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.
*
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
*
Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a
front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
*
Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for
his Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
*
New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never
creep up on Oscar Pistorius."
*
Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
*
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder … footprints !
*
She didn't notice Oscar stalking her.. It was the silence of the limbs.
*
And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!

Stowstalker

Posts: 617

#2174 11 Oct 2014 at 8.47am

In reply to Post #2172
I didn't honest.....

ralph69

Posts: 10387

#2173 10 Oct 2014 at 11.43pm

In reply to Post #2172

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2172 10 Oct 2014 at 10.56pm

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic
sex:

Husband: Sukitaki. Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this, as if you
understand Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex, you need
help.

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2213

#2171 4 Oct 2014 at 8.55pm

A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.

"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son.

"Well son," answered the all knowing father. "A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

"The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose."

"The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest french perfumes."

"The taste of a vagina, is sweeter than the purest nectar."

"All in all son, it`s like I said ,a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

"Gee dad ,a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."

A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.

"Dad, What does a vagina look like after sex?"

"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"

Wilson2930

Posts: 291

#2170 4 Oct 2014 at 10.03am

What's the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

Wilson2930

Posts: 291

#2169 4 Oct 2014 at 10.01am

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

Wilson2930

Posts: 291

#2168 4 Oct 2014 at 9.58am

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”

elltell

Posts: 1511

#2167 19 Sept 2014 at 2.21pm

In reply to Post #1
OK it's Friday so a few quickies

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were the Hovis Witnesses.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam say they can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month:
time to change supplier I think.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ...
Archaeologists believe it may be a Pharaoh Rocher...

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma...the other's got a dodgy tikka!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, 'I thought they were mine, but have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my fantastic body?
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours just to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Mr-Bean-Laden

Posts: 2213

#2166 18 Sept 2014 at 9.56pm

Scotland opens the voting at 7.00 am. Is that their plan to get people to vote on their way to the pub?

England 1 (Salmond og) Scotland 0

elltell

Posts: 1511

#2165 12 Sept 2014 at 2.16pm

In reply to Post #1
A guy goes into his local supermarket for a pack of beer, he sees they have a BOGOF on so he purchase two packs. Puts them into his open Morgan and proceeds to drive home, he has to stop at some traffic hold up and a very attractive young lady walking past observes the booze and asks. "would you be interested in swapping some beer for sex"

"what sort of beer you got" he replies!!!!!
Tel


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