An oap is heading down the m1 to visit an old friend, suddenly he receives a phone call from his daughter.

"Dad be careful, I've just heard on the radio there's a nutter driving the wrong way down the m1"

"Not just the one love, there's bloody hundreds of the ****s!"

Some men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay.

I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.

Getting old is a terrible thing.This morning i went upstairs then forgot why,so i went back down to try to jog my memory......... That's when i $hit myself.

My new girlfriend gives ma marks out of ten when we have sex.Last night for example i shoved it right up her a jacksy and she yelled "nine,nine!"

Seeing all those kids on children in need really makes me appreciate how lucky i am.Mine have all grown up and f..ked off.

Cyril Smith accused of abusing kids throughout his career.well I'm sorry,but if you cant outrun that fat c..t you deserved f..king.

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop 'em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!".

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"

"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."

"No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"

"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.

"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!"

"Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."

hes a big headed **** aint he

In reply to Post #572

In reply to Post #567
That's brilliant Noj!!!

Apparently Lady Gaga's developed a nut allergy.

Guess that explains the recent rash on her inner thighs.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . ”Bugger that!" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby