Double sprint world champion Tyson Gay has tested positive for a substance he could not identify and is pulling out of next month's world championships in Moscow.

To be fair, he's not the first gay to test positive and have to pull out before it's too late.

After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here's what happened:

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fcuking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone fcuked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda."

some crackers there lads

In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass. "It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels."

"Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office. And if you don't give me the job, I'll also tell who the fcuking father is

Me and my girlfriend were sitting relaxed, having a chat when I accidently sh1t myself.

I'd hoped she wouldn't notice, but then it floated to the top of the bath

I saw my first Ethiopian DJ last night.

MT Stomach

In reply to Post #1896

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."

Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born?"

"No," I replied. "I've got his girlfriend pregnant."

One day this thirty year old virgin stats getting these extremely painful sensations around her vagina. She goes in to her gynecologist and he ask her about her sex life. She replies I'm a virgin so there is no sex. He ask about her public bathroom usage habits. I work from home and I always use the bathroom before I go shopping. So there is no public bathroom usage. After a few more questions he gives her an examine and comes back saying " ma'am, I don't know what's wrong but you definitely don't have crabs". She says that she wants a second opinion and sees another gynecologist. He ask all the same questions and she gives all the same answers. He gives her an examination and comes back with the same results as the first dr. So she decides to get a third opinion. She sees a third doctor, gets asked all the same questions, gives all the same answers and receives yet another examine. The dr comes in and says I have some good and some bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs. The bad news is that your cherry's so ripe you have fruit flies

In reply to Post #1884