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In reply to Post #1
Sweating like a Greek MP on the phone to Wonga.....
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My old uncle suffered from water on the knee in his younger years, the doc suggested getting a pair of drain pipe trousers as he was a teddy boy  
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The young girl next door bought some new knickers made by Tupperware, she say's they're not that comfortable but they do keep everything fresh.
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My mate Mark phoned me up last night, I said wot you phoning me for at 4 o'clock in the morning? he said I can't sleep there was somebody outside my window calling me, who was it? nobody was there except a dog with a hair-lip barking.
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In reply to Post #2304
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Marvelman: Hello Superman what have you been up to today?
Superman: Oh just flying around putting the world to right.
Marvelman: that must get boring after a while.
Superman: yeah it doe's but I spotted Wonderwoman sun bathing in the nude so I flew down at the speed of light and
give her one.
Marvelman: Blimey I bet that surprised her.
Superman: yeah but not as much as the surprise the Invisible man got who was giving her one at the time.
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?"
"Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork? "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
A while later, the rabbi said "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
"Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for a while.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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BREAKING NEWS
It has been reported that at the junction of the M25 and A1M a massive hole has appeared in the road and the police are looking into it.
An elephant was seen on the M1 doing a ton, the AA suggest drive carefully and treat it as a roundabout.
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In reply to Post #2301
My mate thinks he's smart , he told me that an onion is the only food that makes you cry
So I threw a coconut at his face
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In reply to Post #2300
A man walks into the doctors and says , " every time I masturbate I shout , come on arsenal"
The doctor replies " most w@nkers do "
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In reply to Post #2299
A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.
"Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"
"Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."
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In reply to Post #2298
Blimey , that Kym marsh don't hang around .
After her latest love split , she's only gone and married Steve Macdonald
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In reply to Post #2297
 
I was trying to remember the one about a line of elephants each holding the tail with their trunk of the one in front crossing a railway line and the train hit them and pulls them inside out.
Anyone know this one?
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In reply to Post #2296
 The old ones are always the best
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Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5
more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He
thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,
Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or
third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs,
Ethel!" 
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