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luckyjim
Posts: 3626
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2343 13 Nov 2015 at 5.42pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2342
Bert, in the old folks home said to Gladys "I'm leaving you and I'm gonna go with Doris cos she holds my one eyed trouser snake all night", Gladys said "so do I" yes said Bert but Doris has parkinson's .
ralph69
Posts: 10396
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2342 7 Nov 2015 at 2.47pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2341
luckyjim
Posts: 3626
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2341 7 Nov 2015 at 12.29pm  0  Login    Register
A blind carpenter go's into a timber yard for a job, the boss says your blind how can you do anything?
the chippie says "just by smell I can tell what a timber is and where it came from" Mmmm says the boss I'll test you, he lays a piece of wood on a bench and says lean forward and smell the wood, after moving his head a couple of times he says "its BC Pine from Canada", right says the boss, next, try this one, after a few sniffs he says " this is Oak from England", right, the boss cant believe this so he go's to the office and tells the girl to strip and lay on the bench face down, ok if you get this one I'll take you on, the chippie sniffs and sniffs then says turn it over I'm not sure about this one, the girl turns over and he sniffs again, "Yeah I got its a khazi door from a trawler boat in Grimsby".
stymie
Posts: 807
stymie
   Old Thread  #2340 6 Nov 2015 at 7.28pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2339
Got felt up by a blind woman last night. She said I had the thickest, longest shaft she'd ever felt.

She was pulling my leg
ralph69
Posts: 10396
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2339 6 Nov 2015 at 6.34pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2338
I've woke myself up three times this week with my snoring ,
So **** it , tonight I'm gonna go sleep in the spare room
DirkDiggler
Posts: 2502
DirkDiggler
   Old Thread  #2338 31 Oct 2015 at 9.13am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #1
So Jurgen Klopp has finally got his first win at Liverpool.
Apparently it was due to a motivational text from his older brother clippity.
luckyjim
Posts: 3626
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2337 22 Oct 2015 at 4.44pm  0  Login    Register
Screen Shot 2015-10-22 at 15.58.51 copy
luckyjim
Posts: 3626
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2336 30 Sept 2015 at 9.37pm  0  Login    Register
A woman knocked at our door and said she was
collecting for the new swimming pool so I gave her a bucket of water.
ralph69
Posts: 10396
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2335 24 Sept 2015 at 8.17pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2334
Like it
stymie
Posts: 807
stymie
   Old Thread  #2334 24 Sept 2015 at 8.11pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2333
Reminds me of
"Dad, there's a bloke at the door with a bald head"
"Tell him to piss off I've got one"
ralph69
Posts: 10396
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2333 24 Sept 2015 at 1.37pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2332
My daughter said to me earlier "dad , there's someone knocking at the door with a beard ".
I said " well no wonder I couldn't bloody hear it then " .
luckyjim
Posts: 3626
luckyjim
   Old Thread  #2332 23 Sept 2015 at 6.19pm  0  Login    Register
Teacher......who can tell me what chickens give you?
Sarah.........meat miss.
teacher......correct, now can you tell me what pigs give you?
Jane...........bacon miss
teacher.......that's right, who can tell me what fat cow gives you?
Billie...........homework
stymie
Posts: 807
stymie
   Old Thread  #2331 21 Sept 2015 at 8.48pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2330
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

Because he's married.
ralph69
Posts: 10396
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2330 20 Sept 2015 at 9.31pm  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2329
I love f5, it's so refreshing
ralph69
Posts: 10396
ralph69
   Old Thread  #2329 11 Sept 2015 at 6.18am  0  Login    Register
In reply to Post #2328
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