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Joke Thread
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elltell

Posts: 1511

#2420 23 Feb 2016 at 6.17pm

In reply to Post #1
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I’m six-foot tall, 14-stone blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The woman to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.”

“Now seriously, Mister, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

“No …. not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”.

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2419 22 Feb 2016 at 1.11pm

An East London girl runs home to mum crying , mum asks what's the matter?
My new boyfriend says I've got East end tits and West end hips,
Don't worry about that your dad had a Whopping cock and a Barking arse and we're still together

elltell

Posts: 1511

#2418 20 Feb 2016 at 3.48pm

In reply to Post #1
Dear Agony Aunt:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 15 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot pool with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!

lincs-carper

Posts: 907

#2417 19 Feb 2016 at 9.29pm

In reply to Post #2416
What do you call a man with no shins................................................

Tony!!!!

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2416 18 Feb 2016 at 1.42pm

In reply to Post #2415

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinski
2. Tony Blair
3. Robert Mugabe
4. Jeremy Corbyn
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Sepp Blatter

You had trouble with #5.......Typical, you know the criminals, murderers,
thieves, sluts, liars and cheats, but you don’t know the Pope!

ralph69

Posts: 10387

#2415 17 Feb 2016 at 7.17pm

In reply to Post #2414
What weighs 18 stone and rides a Derby winner.

Adam johnsons soon to be cell mate

ralph69

Posts: 10387

#2414 17 Feb 2016 at 12.55pm

My mate , who is dyslexic is on a new water , he's just text me that he's had a 23lb Crap

luckyjim

Posts: 3626

#2413 12 Feb 2016 at 9.09am

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name.
'Polo, I'm the one with the hole,' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts,' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But 3 days later his Sherbet Dip started to itch.....
turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts

Tinhead

Posts: 16786

#2412 11 Feb 2016 at 7.50am

In reply to Post #2411
Yes about 30 years ago

tuftytowers

Posts: 674

#2411 10 Feb 2016 at 9.31pm

In reply to Post #2410
did you tell them the one about 6 legs as well???

Tinhead

Posts: 16786

#2410 10 Feb 2016 at 10.58am

In reply to Post #2397
According to tetley the way to make the perfect Cuppa is to agitate the bag , so every morning I slap her Arse and say , two sugars fatty

Just told that to the blokes at work.
They're still laughing

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#2409 5 Feb 2016 at 3.08pm

A prisoner in a British jail has been caught with 4 mobile phones up his arse.

After struggling to squeeze them out,his ringtone changed.

ralph69

Posts: 10387

#2408 5 Feb 2016 at 2.21pm

In reply to Post #2407
Was in a que earlier behind a great big fat bird with a huge Arse , her phone started bleeping and
The young lad behind me shouts out , **** me , mind out , she's reversing

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#2407 5 Feb 2016 at 9.14am

In reply to Post #2404

elltell

Posts: 1511

#2406 4 Feb 2016 at 1.24pm

In reply to Post #2404
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Tel


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