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A guy walks into a bar and drinks ten pints of lager, then he says to the barman "Do you sell shorts?". Barman says "Of course we do." Good" he says, "Gimme a pair cause I just pissed myself!"
Guy walks into a bar and says "Can I have a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps?" Barman says "Sorry, we've only got plane."
Bloke sat at a table in the pub enjoying a nice pint of bitter. Woman walks over to him, puts her bum over his glass and farts into it, she casually walks away back to the bar. Bloke goes over to her and says "You fart in my Whitbread?" "No" she says, "I'm Tessa Sanderson".
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What is the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? The pickpocket spends his time snatching watches.
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Snow....Gods way of saying "stay in and save your petrol because its too ****ing expensive"
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Wikipedia has printed the following clarification :-
James Cameron is a man who directed a film about a captain steering his ship inexorably towards disaster
David Cameron is an English Prime Minister
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FOR SALE - 5 million shares in The British Jerry Can Co
Applications to Francis Maude, House of Commons, Westminster
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In reply to Post #1
My girlfriend and I broke up due to religious differences...
She failed to worship me.
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Our Grandad died of a Viagra overdose.
To this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.
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In reply to Post #83
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In reply to Post #83
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In reply to Post #87
the village idiot decides to sell his car , so his mate says to him
"before you sell it , wind the clock back a bit"
good idea says the idiot.
he sees him a few days later and asks him how he got on.
he says ive decided to keep it now , its only done 7000 miles
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In reply to Post #86
Wayne Rooney went to see Fabrice Muamba in hospital...."it was amazing to see him, and he even strung a sentence together" said Fabrice
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In reply to Post #85
mods.......thats a lot worse than mine!!!!!! 
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In reply to Post #83
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| | | mal | | Posts: 8986 |  | |
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When he thankfully regained consciousness, fabrice muamba asked about the football results. On being told that Torres had scored twice he replied 'bloody hell! How long was I out for?!?'
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