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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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In reply to Post #132
 
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In reply to Post #134
The omens were not good for Munich from the start. I mean they did kick off at 1945.
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In reply to Post #131
 
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Beware ebay scam....just bought a penis enlarger and received a magnifying glass with the instructions...DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT
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Liverpool have appointed Ken Dodd as their new manager so they dont have to change the initials on the tracksuit.
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| | | noj | | Posts: 11459 | | | Social photographer... | |
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A bloke's wife is feeling adventurous and suggests they go to a strip club.
When the couple arrive at a club the doorman says "hi dave".
"how does he know you?" asks dave's wife.
"He's on my darts team" he replies.
As they go inside the barman says "hi dave, the usual?".
Before his wife pipes up he explains he drinks in the local so knows his usual tipple.
They take their seat when suddenly a dancer waves and yells "private dance in the back room dave?"..
With that his wife storms out before he can explain, he chases her out of the door and hails a taxi..
As the couple get in the cab driver turns around and says "****ing hell dave, you've pulled a right ****ing dog this week!"
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How do you get a cork back in a champagne bottle?
Ask a Man u fan.
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Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.
The number is 0800 10 10 10.
Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.
Once again the number is
0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing 
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There's a lot of man utd fans feeling blue today. Not because they lost the league, because they now support city.
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In reply to Post #125
Quality
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In reply to Post #123
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In reply to Post #124
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
... ... 'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar
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In reply to Post #123
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I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
"Where the **** have you been?" screamed my wife.
I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."
"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"
"So can you" I said, "This isn't our house anymore."
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