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A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Liverpool scarf.
"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Manc fans in heaven."
"What?" Exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Mancs."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now F**K OFF!!"
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In reply to Post #867
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Female weightlifter goes to the doctor" i've been taking steroids & seem to have grown a cock".
"Anabolic" asks the Dr.
"No just a cock" says the woman.
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In reply to Post #864
 
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In reply to Post #864
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The reason Alex Ferguson chews so much gum is that after sucking off all the officials before the match starts, old whiskey nose then has to spend the rest of the game getting the taste out of his mouth.
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In reply to Post #861
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I was watching the undateables last night and there was a blonde girl on it who due to a stroke a few years ago,now struggles to talk and start conversation.
Undateable? She's perfect.
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The missus went to the doctors to see what the spot was between her tits.
She returned home relieved to be told it was her belly botton
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LFC have decided to appeal the 2 red cards Howard Webb will give them against Man Utd on Sunday.
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Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.
I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a life jacket.
But as I told everyone."its what he would have wanted"!!
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In reply to Post #857
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What's the difference between my wife and a cart horse?
The horse doesn't kick when you whack your load on its back.
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 |  | |
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While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to showit to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his
briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams,"Schwartz is dead!
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| | | sik | | Posts: 2391 | | |
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A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he
pointed out the location.
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it
to the rancher. "See this f@cking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers
given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up
and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and
yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR F@CKING BADGE!"
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