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Joke Thread
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carpy09

Posts: 14167

#1029 4 Feb 2013 at 7.02pm

In reply to Post #1027

carpy09

Posts: 14167

#1028 4 Feb 2013 at 7.01pm

In reply to Post #1024

sik

Posts: 2391

#1027 4 Feb 2013 at 6.49pm

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $1,000?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for
$ 10,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again,
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for
$100,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says,"Hmmmmm, $100,000... OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,
burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"No!," says the little old man... "That costs
too much!

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#1026 4 Feb 2013 at 5.03pm

"Match-fixing: Champions League tie played in England 'was fixed'"

'No idea what you're talking about' Said Alex Ferguson as he bundled Howard Webb into a taxi.

WaftyCranker

Posts: 3455

#1025 4 Feb 2013 at 4.46pm

In reply to Post #1024

sik

Posts: 2391

#1024 4 Feb 2013 at 4.42pm

Rocky Has Broken His Leg And His Friend Bob Comes Over To See Him.Bob: �How Are You Doing?�Rocky: �Fine, Hey, Do Me A Favor Go Upstairs & Get Me My Slippers, My Feet Are Freezing�Bob Goes Upstairs & Sees Rocky's Hot Twin Sisters Laying On The Bed.Bob: �Your Brother Sent Me Up To Have Sex With You Girls�Twins: �Prove It�Bob (Shouting): �Hey Rocky, Both Of Them?�Rocky (Shouting Back): �Of Course, What's The Point Of Fcuking One

sik

Posts: 2391

#1023 4 Feb 2013 at 2.07pm

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1022 4 Feb 2013 at 12.33pm

My wife has got a tattoo on her inner thigh of a sea shell,

When I put my ear to it, I can smell the sea.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1021 4 Feb 2013 at 12.14pm

I said to the wife, "I'm horny."

"What you want me to do?"

"Give me a sh@g."

"Oh, really?"

"No, just joking," I laughed. "I just wanted to give you a headache

SlugHunter

Posts: 22752

#1020 4 Feb 2013 at 10.14am

What separates men from animals?

A bucket of cold water..

deaffred

Posts: 4820

#1019 3 Feb 2013 at 9.06pm

In reply to Post #1018

I,m loving this thread , shame the other one went

sik

Posts: 2391

#1018 3 Feb 2013 at 6.42pm

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $1,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $1 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about"
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger

sik

Posts: 2391

#1017 3 Feb 2013 at 2.48pm

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare � the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare � the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare � the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. �Good God, Dear,� he proclaims, �I've just had the worst day of my entire life!�
She responds, �You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.

sik

Posts: 2391

#1016 3 Feb 2013 at 2.45pm

herb decided to propose to Sandi, but prior to her acceptance Sandi had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered from a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandi in the eyes and said..."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married. "She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis. "Sandi and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandi off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandi put her hands in Herb"s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes, it is..." exclaimed Herb, "8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 20 inches long!

sik

Posts: 2391

#1015 3 Feb 2013 at 2.37pm

So a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer go to a bar right before Christmas and they're taking about what they got for their wife's! The doctor said he got get a diamond necklace and I trip to Jamaica so if she doesn't like the necklace, she still has the trip. The lawyer got his wife a 80 flat screen tv and a car so if she doesn't like the tv, she still has the car. The engineer got his wife pearl earrings and a dildo. The other two, confused, asked why he got the dildo. He replied, "So if she doesn't like the earrings, she can go fcuk herself!


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