I'm glad they didn't make a "Share a Coke with Whitney" bottle, I think she had enough.

"Are you ready to give me an anal bartering?" asked my wife.

"Don't you mean battering?" I winked.

"There are some very expensive shoes I want," she replied, "I know what I mean."

In reply to Post #1795

My Geordie girlfriend found a pair of knickers in the glove box of the car.

"What the **** are these?" she asked.

"Knickers," I replied.

"Oh. I've heard about them, but I've never seen a pair."

In reply to Post #1797
Digging up the garden this morning,I found a Land Rover buried 6ft down...which was a nice discovery.

I was flirting with a couple of girls at the bar last night when suddenly my wife called me.

She said, "Dave, where are you?"

I styled it out by remaining silent and just continued to smile at the girls.

"Dave, where the **** are you?" she screamed even louder.

Again I remained silent and took a sip of my pint.

This went on for a good 30 seconds before my wife eventually picked up her white stick and walked out.

I have a Scottish friend, who last year married a Native American girl, and the couple recently celebrated the birth of a baby boy.

Choosing the name proved to be very contentious, though.

He wanted to give him a Scot's name, while she wanted to give him a traditional Mohican one.

Thankfully, they sorted it, and I was really honoured when they asked me if I would be Godfather to little Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you get if you can catch a tan Monday to Friday?

Job seekers allowance

I accidentally wore my w@nk sock to work yesterday.

Now I've got to pretend I broke my leg skiing for the next three months so I don't look creepy.

Brazil's new stadium looks good, I expected the pitch to just be a strip of turf on the edge of the box.

In reply to Post #1803

Wearing crocs is like being sucked off by a man.

It feels great but when you look down you can see it is just wrong.

So Tulisa has been arrested for dealing Class A drugs...

I guess we won't be seeing 'Share a Coke with Tulisa' on bottles anytime soon.

In reply to Post #1806

The big-titted blonde from next door lent over the garden fence earlier dressed in just a see-through negligee, and asked if I could pound her pussy.

I phoned my mate Dave from the animal shelter, and he popped round.

He was there for three hours, and left with a big smile on his face, but no cat.

Strange.